Love Never Dies
by Brindabella
Summary: One moment. Unexpected. Unprecedented. Upstoppable. One single moment will change Nick and Jen's perfect life forever. *COMPLETE*
1. Chapter 1

Love Never Dies

She tore the cellophane off the heavy brown leather journal she had been saving for months. It smelt delicious and she closed her eyes for a second, savouring the smell of the aging material before opening the cover and running a hand over the soft ivory coloured pages just begging to be scrawled all over with her neat handwriting. As she had ever since she was fifteen years old, she carefully wrote the start date on the inside cover, knowing that when she had filled all of the journal's pages, she would write the end date beside it, and then add the thick notebook to the catalogue of journals that lined her shelf.

She sat back against the bedhead and wondered how to put all of her thoughts onto the paper of this new journal. They flew around in her head like a thick, chunky soup, each thought fighting for position at the front of her mind. Right now there were simply too many, so instead she sighed, then smiled, and quickly wrote a dedication underneath her start date.

She sprang from the bed, knowing exactly where she needed to go. She knew where she needed to be and she bolted from the room, leaving the new journal open at its first blank page.

_For my darling Nick…I'll love you forever._

Chapter 1 Lust

It was almost funny the way, in their longed for moment of truth, they had been interrupted by the shrill ringing of their phones. Duty called, as it always did, and it should've been something they were both used to by now. Resigned to always having to put work before their relationship, Nick and Jen both headed back towards Homicide to begin the paperwork on Philip Canter's untimely death.

When night fell and the team were ready to call it quits, Jennifer felt an awkward uncertainty about what the night would have in store for her with Nick. Maybe nothing would happen? Maybe that kiss, before their phones had interrupted them, had not meant as much to him as it had to her. Maybe it wasn't their first step to being back on track like she had hoped it was.

As she stewed over it all like some thirteen year old lovestruck girl, Nick got up from his desk and as coolly as ever, leaned in towards hers as he walked towards the lift. "Dinner at my place, eight o'clock?" he whispered.

Jennifer grinned, her heart almost jumping out of her chest. She nodded wordlessly in answer and watched him as he walked away from her and into the lift, a tiny spring in his step.

The drive to Nick's place, a drive she had taken so many times before, went quickly. She was already breathing fast in anticipation, unsure of what might happen, but knowing damn well that she wanted something, anything, to happen. They'd waited long enough. But she was scared, and she just wanted his reassurances – him tell her she was being a worrywart, an over thinker, a goody two shoes. She knew she was all those things, but she didn't want to be if it meant they stopped her from being with Nick. But she knew fronting up to his place that afternoon had been the first hurdle, and they were over it. Now they needed to jump the next one, together. It had to be together.

As she parked her car and walked up the driveway, she wondered why she was so god damn nervous. Maybe it was because this was a man she'd shared everything with. Everything. The man she loved more than she'd ever loved anyone else. The person she'd told all her secrets to, all her hopes and dreams. She knew she was never meant to be with anyone else, but now she needed to know if he felt the same way. If he didn't, then it would never work. Not knowing what he was thinking – that was what made her nervous. She tapped lightly on the door, clutching her bottle of wine tightly.

Moments later the door opened, and he beamed at her. That smile she had fallen in love with, years ago now. It never failed to make her weak at the knees. He was still a little battered and bruised, but handsome all the same. Cuts and bruises may have disguised him a little from what he normally looked like, but underneath he was still Nick Buchanan, the love of her life. She beamed back at him, wondering if he would kiss her in greeting.

But he didn't, instead just stepping back and letting her inside. She stepped in, hesitated in front of him, and handed him the bottle. That was all it took to dissolve away her nerves. He pulled her into an embrace and she leant into his chest, breathing in so deeply that her entire rib cage lifted up, sucking in his wonderful after shave smell. It was almost enough to put her in a trance, and she smiled against his chest. It felt good to be hugged by him again.

They pulled apart a few moments later and his arm remained loosely at her waist as they strolled into his kitchen. Jennifer kept a steady grip on his waist too, feeling comfortable again already being so close to him. It just felt so normal, so right. They didn't speak as they reluctantly parted as Jennifer took a seat at the kitchen bench and Nick moved to deposit the wine in the refrigerator. They just smiled at each other, coy and happy, relieved and at ease. The night was theirs. Finally.

Later they sat on the couch, half eaten bowls of noodles sitting cold and abandoned on the coffee table in front of them. Jennifer sat with one knee bent on the soft cushions and the other leg dangling off the edge, her foot brushing the carpet. Nick sat the same way as he faced her, his elbow propped up on the back of the couch. He could see she was dying to get something off her chest. He shot her a look that pleaded with her to come out with it.

It didn't take much. A look of sadness swept over her face and she looked away from him briefly, remembering the devastation she had felt last time she'd been sitting in this position when she had thought Dane Majors had killed the man she loved. "I sat all night on this couch, wondering what I'd do without you Nick," she whispered. She exhaled and looked back into his eyes and he took hold of her hand, stroking it softly with his thumb. His hand was warm and his fingers glided effortlessly over her own, warming her extremities in a way only Nick could.

Nick knew how she felt. He had sat slumped in that bush hut thinking about her too. Every minute of every hour he had thought of her, and how he'd been such a fool to let her go so easily the previous year when she had put an end to their relationship. He was determined to never again make the same mistake.

"That's behind us now," he said quietly, still holding her hand. "We don't need to focus on it anymore."

She nodded back at him, but she had trouble putting it out of her mind. That night on the couch, and then that day in the bush – just her, Dane and two guns, had been her penny drop moment. The moment when she finally realised how much Nick meant to her, and how much she wanted to be with him. She mimicked the way he rested his elbow on the back of the couch and held her heavy head up with a weary arm as she looked at him.

He smiled affectionately at her in the dim light that surrounded them in his living room and after a while she smiled gracefully back and allowed him to change his grip on her hand from a soft hold to a close lacing of fingers. The feeling of that movement alone took Jen's breath away and neither said anything, too lost in the moment. With his other hand he reached over and stroked her cheek with the back of his index finger, so lightly she could barely feel it, and without realising she leant in to his touch, her eyes obediently falling to half mast, her lashes fluttering as they sheltered her tired and worried eyes for a few moments.

When he lifted her chin ever so slightly to meet his lips, she was more than ready to kiss him back, eagerly leaning in towards him, their fingers still intertwined together, his free hand still delicately holding her cheek. Nothing was going to interrupt them this time. Nothing. They spilled off the couch, their dirty plates left behind on the coffee table for morning.

He kept a firm grip on her hand and led her down the hallway, kissing her the whole way. Just meters before the bedroom door, their bodies so close now that they were breathing in time with each other, he hoisted her up onto his hips seductively. She was as light as a feather, her fine bones like putty moulded around him. She crossed her ankles at his backside, locking their bodies together. Her shoes fell off with two quiet little thumps behind him as she held her arms tightly around his neck, one hand edging into the soft brown hair at the nape of his neck and the other gripped against the rapidly warming skin just under his ear. She closed her eyes in delight at the feel of his arms so tightly and securely around her, his hands all over her, his breath so close, his fierce lust lying like a heavy blanket over her entire body. They stepped into the bedroom where he placed his hands delicately across her back, laying her down gently on the bed like he would a newborn baby. She gazed up at him in the darkness, so infatuated and so in love as he knelt over her. She smiled and pulled him in closer to her so she could kiss him again as she spoke breathlessly, her voice raspy from their passionate activity. "Nick…" she began.

He swept his hand over her temple, easing her fringe away from her eyes and smiled reassuringly down at her. "Jen," he replied, as if knowing exactly what she was going to ask him. "I'm not wasting another second of my life not being with you."

It was what she needed to hear. She didn't speak again as she willingly devoted herself to this man, allowing him to pull off her clothes gently, allowing him to tousle his fingers through her blonde locks, allowing him to make her shiver from the inside out. A waterfall of feelings rushed through Jennifer at break neck speed – excitement, fear, happiness, vulnerability, but mostly disbelief, that they had finally, finally got to this point and were no longer going to let work, or their own reservations, stop them from being together.

It was messy, fumbly and a little chaotic as they got to know each other again. It had been a while since they had been in such a position together but it didn't take Jen long to remember the way a thin layer of sweat always shone off Nick's body from the exertion not long after their clothes had been pulled from their bodies and thrown to the floor, or for Nick to remember just what made her body tremor, what her soft nails felt like across his back, the feel of her hair in his face and the way he felt like he breathed for her when she made deep exhalations at the height of their aching passion.

They sat up in the sheets for a moment, her astride him with her ankles crossed, locked, at his backside again. Her flat stomach, damp with sweat, slipped up his torso as he then fell backwards, now looking up at her in nothing but absolute desire. _I'm going to be with you for the rest of my life_ he thought to himself as she grinded herself against him feverishly, one hand on his shoulder and another on his chest, her fingers bent, her nails starting to dig in, a look of pure ecstasy on her face. He laid back and enjoyed it, knowing he would never be with another woman, because Jennifer Mapplethorpe was all he needed.

She shifted and eased herself to be closer to him and their lips met again, roughly crashing together in a hot and heavy breathless exchange as he snaked his hands around her back, feeling the curve of her lower spine as she arched her whole body involuntarily against his, seeking out further ways to be closer to him. Her knees straddled his slim hips as he eased himself up off the bed again and her hands fluttered down his just visible six pack setting his skin on fire with every inch that she touched. Her hair fell forward from behind her ears, damp and dishevelled, a look Nick found unbelievably sexy. No woman had ever had such control over him, and he loved it. He took her face in his hands with such surety and kissed her so deeply that she almost fell limp against him for a moment, completely at his mercy in the dark. He cradled her tiny body as she leant back towards the pillows but never quite made it, instead firmly held close to him, her legs flicking out from by his hips to hover mindlessly in the air up under his shoulder blades. His hot breath steamed all over her already soaked body as he kissed her chest and shoulders, making her tip her head back in surrender, her hands slipping from around his neck, her eyes closed, her heart beating off the charts and her breathing deep and throaty. This was an entirely new level of lust and they didn't stop all night long, only falling asleep from happy exhaustion a mere half an hour before the sun drifted in through the bedroom window.

As they dozed together as the sun rose outside, the perspiration on their bodies cooled, encouraging them to burrow closer to each other to keep warm. Nick laid with both his arms around her as she huddled into his chest, her chin tucked down into her own chest and her wrists bent and her fists lightly clenched close in to herself. Her hair splayed over his chest just under his chin, lightly rustling it every time he breathed out. With his arms around her she remained warm and almost squishy to the touch she was so relaxed. He smiled as he watched her sleep. Even in slumber she looked like a bombshell. _The bombshell I fell in love with on day one_ he thought to himself grinning at the memory. _And everyday I've known you since you've only looked better._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 The Little Things

_May 24, 2011_

_It was six months ago today that I now know I realised what was the right thing to do when it came to Nick. I was so bloody confused in my head, having just told him we couldn't be together, that I wasn't ready to be a mother, that I wasn't prepared to give up Homicide just so that we could be together. I needed someone to tell me I'd done the right thing, that I'd made the right decision, and I thought for sure Bernice would be the one to do that. But then she admitted that she let her career cost her her marriage and just the tone of her voice told me that she regretted that greatly. Then she assured me I could sit in her chair one day if I dedicated myself to it enough. It was a lot to think about, but I didn't know right then if that was what I really wanted. Did I want to make that big of a sacrifice? To be high up in my job but unhappy in every other aspect of my life? Was the job worth all that? Then when I watched her sing with tears in her eyes at the Women In Blue fundraiser I knew straight away that I didn't want to make that sacrifice at all. I still to this day appreciate the potential Bernice sees in me, but I knew if I worked towards stepping into her shoes I'd be taking more and more steps away from Nick, and I knew that wasn't what I wanted._

_And thank God for that because now Nick and I are so happy together and everything is exactly like I'd never allowed myself to dream it being. I can't even put it into words properly. It's just…amazing. I'm so happy with him. I can't imagine ever being with anybody else. I don't want to be anyway. Tomorrow we're moving in together, so this is my last night in my little house. Never again will I live alone. I can't wait. We spend so much time together as it is that I pretty much do wake up beside him everyday anyway, but it'll be different when we live together. It won't be me staying at his place, or him staying at my place. It'll be us, in our place. _

They'd worked all morning, loading Jen's furniture and boxes into the moving van themselves, taking sixteen hundred trips in and out the front door with their arms laden with her possessions. When the last box was stacked into the back of the van they stood one last time in her kitchen and looked around at the bare countertops and empty shelves. Jennifer hugged Nick around his waist and stared wistfully at the bareness of it all.

"Ready?" he asked her quietly.

She pulled out of his hug and nodded at him and they walked out the front door hand in hand. Nick stood by her side as she locked the door for the last time and then together they hopped into the truck and headed for their new place.

It was in a suburb Jen had fallen in love with at first sight. Then she saw the house and fell even further. She'd looked at Nick and knew immediately that he felt the same. It had everything they wanted. From aesthetic things, like lots of light, big windows, a big wrap around veranda, to the personal touches they hadn't discussed but knew they both wanted. Things like three bedrooms, a good sized kitchen, large front and back yards, a friendly looking street, a cosy little community close to everything they knew they'd need and want in the years to come. There would be room enough to play cricket in the backyard, or do a lay up on the front driveway. There was plenty of space for a Christmas tree in the living room, and for more than two people at the dinner table. It was far enough away from work and closer to schools and playgrounds. All the little things added up to just the right house for them. And even though they didn't have half the things yet that they'd planned, it was perfect.

They spent the rest of the day unloading the truck, and when they finally took a break in the late afternoon and plopped themselves down against a bare wall in the living room, Nick sat with his legs outstretched and Jen lay horizontally beside him, her head resting on his thigh. "I think we've about done enough for today, what do you reckon?" he mused.

"Mmmm definitely," she replied tiredly. She cast her eyes over the stacks of boxes that surrounded them. Her eye caught on an open box within arms length and she sat up, trying to figure out what it was that was glinting and catching her eye poking out of the top. She reached for it as Nick sat behind her, his eyes closed briefly in rest, not watching what she was doing. She sat cross legged next to the bulging box and took a closer look.

Resting on the top was a silver edged photo frame, almost exactly the size of her leather journal, and slid underneath the glass was a photograph of herself and Nick. She didn't recognise it and wondered when it had been taken. Her hair was a bit longer, so it must've been quite a while ago, she thought to herself. Probably someone's farewell down at the local coppers watering hole. Some kind of celebration obviously. They looked happy together in the photo, posed casually, looking like bestest buddies with him squeezing her shoulder tightly and them both grinning widely at the camera. They looked like they'd had a few. It was exactly the kind of photo Jen would've chosen to frame too if she'd had it. She turned around to Nick, holding the frame in her hand.

"Where is this from?" she asked, looking at him curiously, a small smile threatening to escape her lips. The picture was that gorgeous, it had that affect.

Nick opened his eyes reluctantly and looked over at her. When he saw what she was holding he smiled and folded his arms across his chest. "It's from work," he replied.

"Work?" she asked, confused now.

He nodded. "I used to keep it in my drawer, where no one else could see it," he explained. "But now I reckon it belongs here. We should put it on display. Christen the mantelpiece with it or something." Nick smiled at her and she looked back down at the photograph. It captured so perfectly their happiness together and made her smile too. She nodded at his suggestion and pulled herself up to standing to place it on the mantel opposite where they were sitting. She set it down carefully in the very centre.

"Perfect," he smiled as she sat back down next to him. "I have a copy in my wallet too," he whispered in her ear.

She's a picture in my wallet

My unborn children's mother

She's the hand that I'm holding

When I'm on my knees and praying

She turned to him and couldn't help but grin her face off as her heart melted right before his eyes. "Oh Nick…" she sunk into his chest. She almost didn't know what else to say. "How did I ever live without you?"

He smiled back at her and kissed her forehead as she got up a few moments later and walked into the kitchen to clean up. Feeling playful, he let her get half way through filling the sink with water before he got up and crept up behind her. He stood at her back and slipped his hands underneath her t-shirt, smoothing his hands over the warm skin of her hips and waist as he rested his head in the groove between her neck and her shoulder. The instant she felt him touch her she stopped what she was doing and eased her head back to be against his. His hot breath tickled her neck as he whispered devilishly into her ear.

"Should we christen any other parts of the house?"

Jennifer let out a tiny giggle and opened her eyes as she turned around in his arms to face him. He pulled her in even closer, pressing their bodies together and creating heat between them instantly. His arms encircled around her waist completely, he could hear her breathing quicken and he kissed the tiny bit of exposed collarbone that peaked out from under her shirt. She couldn't even answer, but Nick needed no verbal confirmation.

He lifted her up onto the bench top, knocking over a few wine glasses that were fortunately plastic. She gave a squeal in surprise but a second later was grinning stupidly, too caught up in the moment to care about a messy kitchen. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, enjoying every sensation he was creating in her. He had her t-shirt off in the blink of an eye and she quickly did the same to his, discarding it haphazardly on the floor by the fridge where it came to rest in a crumpled heap. He moved in closer to the edge of the bench, closer to her, and ran his hands over her head, appreciating the way her hair was already damp and tousled, the way he liked it. _This is when you look your most beautiful…when you give in for a while and relax_ Nick thought. He was so in love with her, it blew his mind.

Their kisses became more fervent, their limbs more tangled, but it wasn't completely working. "Nick," Jen breathed, her forehead resting against his, her eyes closed, trying to catch her breath. "Let's christen the bedroom first hey? The kitchen can wait for tomorrow night."

He looked at her, shocked to hear her say something so racy. But it wasn't like he disagreed. He picked her up off the bench top and she clung to him with her arms and legs as he barrelled down the hallway with her. Jennifer couldn't help but laugh again at the spontaneity of it all, and thought for a second how one day they would be chasing their children down this hallway, scurrying them off to bed or for a bath. She couldn't wait for all their years in this house together.

Nick took them into the bare bedroom, nothing in there but the bed itself, a mattress protector and a fluffy white doona that had been quickly and messily spread across the mattress earlier that afternoon. He flung her down on the bed and she gave another yelp in excitement as she bounced atop the blanket, her noises an unrecognisable characteristic in the detective everyone else knew. But Nick knew better. He knew who she really was. And right now she was irresistible, and the only woman he wanted to be with.

He crawled on top of her and leant down for another kiss, feeling their lips almost bruising as they connected urgently. He ran another hand over her forehead and through her blonde hair and then worked his way down her, discarding every piece of clothing that shielded her from his view. As he tugged at her jeans, he struggled with their slim fit and when he finally managed to tug the last leg off, her foot flung up in the air and down again hard on the wooden foot of the bed from the effort of it all and he gasped and stopped at hurting her.

She sat up and laughed again as she pawed at his chiselled bare chest, pulling him back to her. "Don't worry," she said, chuckling. "Keep going keep going," she instructed him breathlessly. They both breathed in deeply as they kissed again, hungry for each other and feeling the passion between them ignite even further.

Nick smiled at her between kisses. "I promise I won't injure you when we christen the kitchen…" he whispered. She grinned and kissed him again as he went on. "…And the lounge room…and the bathroom…"

She laughed and hurled him over underneath her and he beamed up at her, totally in love.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 A Flush to the Cheeks

_December 23, 2011_

_Thank goodness! Two days before Christmas and I finally found the perfect gift for Nick. I thought I wasn't going to find it in time – I never leave gift buying this late! But I have it now and it couldn't be more perfect – a watch to replace the one he lost last year. He's been living off cheapies since then and I know he hates them. And I know he'll love this one…I can't wait to see it on his wrist, looking all flash!_

_We've both managed to get leave over Christmas, so we're picking up Mum Christmas day and taking her with us to Nick's parents place for lunch. He assures me there will be a tonne of new relatives there for me to meet – a situation I am a bit nervous about! Thankfully I've already met his parents – that's one stress out of the way. _

_I know his parents especially, will be wanting to ask us all sorts of questions – when are we getting married, when are we giving them grandchildren, when are we going to stop working so much and come and visit them more often. But we're prepared for it, even if we don't have all the answers to all their questions. But anyway, if I'm honest I actually think 2012 is going to be our year. It just feels…good, and it hasn't even started yet. Won't tell that to Nick's folks though in case they get too far ahead of themselves!_

_Nick and I have decided already though that I should come off the Pill, and I've already stopped taking it. Well, really, it was me who decided to, because blokes don't know much about these things do they, and I just told him what I'd decided to do. I just feel like it's time. Of course he was all for it, like I knew he would be. Maybe that's why it feels like 2012 is going to be a great year for us, because we've already set the wheels in motion to make it a great one. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if it eventuates, but just quietly, I'm feeling good about it all._

_It will be good to see Mum again over Christmas. It's been too many weeks since I've seen her. We need to have a good girly chat I think. And Mum's always good for that. I can't wait to sit down with a cup of tea with her._

_Nick surprised me with an early Christmas present yesterday by telling me he'd booked us in to some fancy hotel on the harbour in Sydney for New Years Eve, so we're driving up on the 29__th__. I was surprised, but I'm looking forward to it – I love Sydney, and I've never spent New Years Eve there, so it'll be fantastic!_

_Other than that we're all set for Christmas – the house looks wonderful…I really went to town on the decorating since it's our first Christmas together in this house. The other week we even discussed what kind of traditions we'd like to have at Christmas when we do end up having kids. It was fantastic, just lying in bed together telling each other what we grew up with as kids, and what we'd like to continue and pass on to our own kids. It makes it seem like we really have a future together, like it's all really going to happen. _

_And I'm finally ready for it all._

Nick got home much later than Jen on Christmas Eve, finishing up a brief at Homicide that had taken a lot longer than he'd expected. It was after nine o'clock when he finally strolled through the door, a little weary.

Jen had already eaten, her stomach rumbling so badly by 8pm that she couldn't wait for him any longer and had scoffed the spaghetti bolognaise that she'd made for them both. When he walked through the door he found her sitting by the Christmas tree, watching Carols By Candlelight on tv, a cold drink in her hand.

"Hi," he greeted her, feeling a sudden rush of renewed energy as soon as she came into view.

"Hey," she replied, smiling as she got up off the couch and walked over to him. They shared a deep kiss in greeting before she spoke again. "Thought you were never coming home." Jen looped her arm around the waistband of his pants as they walked together into the kitchen.

"Ha, neither did I," Nick chortled. "The brief took forever," he moaned slightly. "But I got it done…and now I'm on leave." He smiled at her, so looking forward to two weeks spent together.

She smiled back, breaking away to take his serve of spaghetti out of the fridge to reheat for him.

But he grabbed at her hand and pulled her back towards him. "I'm not hungry," he murmured. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her again, even deeper this time. It took her by surprise, but she soon followed suit and they stumbled towards the bedroom and fell into bed together.

Nick snuggled in close to Jen and almost giggled, in a very unmanly way. She writhed and giggled next to him in a similar fashion.

He looked into her eyes and pulled her waist close in to him with one swift movement of his hand. She stroked his chest slowly as he smiled devilishly at her. "Let's make a Christmas baby," he said quietly as they fooled around like school kids.

Jen laughed but had to admit it felt oh so good to be together that night. They were closer than they'd ever been and it made her cheeks flush pink with the excitement of what they were trying to do – a flush that didn't leave her cheeks for the next 24 hours.

"Mummmmmmm!" Jennifer called out as she climbed the veranda steps to her mother's front door. Nick followed behind her and grinned widely at Janine Mapplethorpe when she opened the wreath adorned door. He'd always liked Jen's Mum, and he was pleased she was coming with them to his parents house for the day. Plus he had something very important he needed to discuss with her that couldn't wait.

She let them inside in a small flurry of hugs and kisses. As she let Jennifer out of an embrace, she held her daughter out at arms length in front of her and gave her a curious smile. "You're looking good sweetheart," she said quietly, taking in the rosy cheeks and unstoppable smile of her only child. It warmed Janine's heart to see her so happy. It was more than overdue.

Jen gave her mother another kiss on the cheek in reply. "Thanks Mum…I'm feeling good," she admitted happily.

They were soon seated around the breakfast table drinking coffee and munching on warm croissants and fresh fruit, chatting like old friends. Janine admired Nick's new watch, the only present Jen had insisted he open first thing, because she couldn't possibly wait any longer, and which she wanted to give him in the privacy of their own home. He had been speechless for a moment upon opening the box, so in awe that Jen could've picked out something that was so to his taste. He'd slipped it over his hand and buckled it to his wrist before they'd even gotten out of bed that morning. She'd even had it engraved. He loved it.

"And Nick's taking me to Sydney for New Years Mum," Jen told her mother excitedly. "Can't ask for much more for Christmas can I?" she grinned over at Nick, who sat beside her, devotedly.

"You sure can't," Janine replied. "You're a lucky girl Jen. He's a keeper." The two women laughed and Jen elbowed Nick gently in the ribs. He just smiled back at them. They had no idea.

By 11am they were at the Buchanan household and it was complete chaos. Nick wasn't wrong when he said there would be lots of new relatives to meet, Jen thought to herself, feeling a little overwhelmed as she was introduced to yet another aunty, cousin, niece, uncle. But she was loving it, and chatted easily with all of them as they got to know Jennifer Mapplethorpe.

As Jen insisted on pitching right in to help get the lunchtime feast on the table, Nick suddenly saw his opportunity, and took Janine aside quietly, away from the prying eyes of his relatives.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 Planning on Forever

_December 31, 2011_

_Sydney is so alive and kicking! It's hard not to get caught up in it all and we're having a fabulous time. We got here late in the afternoon on Thursday and stretched our legs out from the car ride by taking a walk along Bondi beach and eating dinner at a seafood restaurant on Campbell Parade. The weather is gorgeous, and the sun lingers for so much longer before it sets here than it does in Melbourne. _

_We're about to head out to a vantage point for the fireworks, even though it's not even lunchtime, because we've heard it's filling up fast. Luckily we're close to the harbour anyway. It will be nice to find a shady spot and just lie in the grass as we wait for it to get dark. The picnic is packed so I'm ready to go!_

Nick and Jen strolled past the Opera House and up towards the botanic gardens. They walked hand in hand, enjoying the buzz of the atmosphere around them, not to mention the stunning scenery. Nick soon led Jen to the secluded spot he'd had in mind, a bit back from Mrs Macquarie's Chair, and they settled comfortably on the grass under a tree, spreading out their picnic blanket and kicking off their shoes.

"Doesn't it feel good not to be at work?" Nick asked Jen as they began to spread the contents of their basket over the blanket in front of them.

Jen nodded eagerly in reply. She could really get used to this relaxing caper, she thought to herself. They spent the rest of the afternoon and evening lying on the picnic blanket in the shade, talking, reading the newspaper, eating and admiring the view. They even played a game of I Spy as they counted down the time until midnight. When shortly before 11pm Jen got herself up from the grass and went in search of a public toilet, Nick used the opportunity to make sure the little blue box was still safely in his pocket.

He breathed a loud sigh of relief when he felt its familiar edges still there in the depth of his shorts and he looked again at his new watch. Time was going torturously slow, and it was killing him. Ten minutes later Jen returned, and sat down gratefully again beside him, leaning back against the large cushions they'd bought with them. "Line was hhhuuugggeeee," she explained, as she put a hand on his thigh, and sighed in contentment. She smiled up at him innocently and they went back to watching the entertainment on the water, Jen totally unaware that in less than an hour her life was going to change.

When there were just minutes until midnight Nick finally sat up a bit straighter, excited and nervous all at the same time. Jennifer sat up with him, but for an entirely different reason – she simply wanted a good look at the fireworks. Nick, not so. As the countdown began around them, the music got louder and as the clock stuck twelve, welcoming in 2012, the fireworks exploded off the bridge, the city buildings and all along the harbour. It was a giant rainbow blur of colours, and Nick scrambled to his feet, eyeing off the best place to do what he wanted to do.

"You can see it better over here Jen," he said, beckoning her to follow him with a wave of his hand. He led her to a small area of grass a few metres behind their picnic blanket and she obediently followed, eager to see the fireworks better. She stood beside Nick and held his hand as they watched the spectacular pyrotechnics exploding before them in the semi darkness. She turned to him for a second and smiled at him, enjoying herself immensely, and loving sharing it with him. _All right, _Nick thought, his heart beating like a jackhammer. _It's now or never._

He turned to face her, pulling down on her hand slightly as he got on one knee. It was this tiny tug that dragged her attention away from the show in front of her. Nick beamed up at her as her eyes fixated on him, bewildered and wide. "Jen."

Her entire body shook with a sudden shiver as she realised what he was about to do. "Nick…!" she gasped quietly, her mouth hanging open.

He reached for her other hand and held them both in his, still unable to wipe the grin off his face. He didn't care if anybody else was watching – although he doubted anyone but Jen would be able to be distracted from the firework show at that moment.

"Jen," he said again, knowing she could hear him even above the din, and was hanging on to every word he was saying. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else but you."

"Nick." She couldn't spit anything else out but his name.

Nick dug into his pocket and plucked out the box, tied with a white ribbon. He opened it up before her and presented it to her excitedly. It was a stunning band of white gold with a round diamond setting. Even in the darkness it glittered up a storm, reflecting the bright colours that were exploding around them. "Will you marry me?" he asked, looking up at her ever so hopefully.

She bit her bottom lip for half a second before her mouth widened into a radiant smile. "Yes," she breathed her answer without hesitation, extending her hand so that he could slip the ring onto her slender finger. Once it was securely on the fourth finger of her left hand he stood up again and for the longest time they just stared into each others eyes. They stood chest to chest, Nick's arms around Jennifer, and her hands on his chest. She looked down at the ring, like she couldn't quite believe it was on her finger or that he had just proposed to her. The shocked look remained in her eyes as she shook her head lightly in disbelief and then stood up on the balls of her feet to kiss him.

It was their special moment as they basked in the post proposal daze. A moment they'd not realised they'd both been waiting for for a long time.

What you're looking for has been here the whole time

They were deaf to the banging of the continuing fireworks around them as they spoke quietly to each other. "Even before Christmas, I knew I was going to ask you," Nick revealed when they were settled back on the picnic blanket in each others arms. "But then I saw you with my family and how easily you got on with them all, and I just knew. And then your Mum was so excited when I told her. I knew I'd made the right decision."

Jennifer smiled at him with tears in her eyes, the emotion of the night catching up with the usually unflappable detective. She couldn't speak.

"Do you like it?" he asked her, reaching for her left hand again. He had picked the ring out himself, but agonised over which one to get. He wanted it to be a ring she was head over heels for. He was pleased he seemed to have made the right decision.

"Oh Nick I love it," she breathed, admiring the way it shone in the moonlight and perfectly fit her finger.

As they walked back to their hotel an hour later, they barely noticed the swarms of people around them. They walked along, her left hand tucked safely inside his right, the cool feeling of the ring held against Nick's palm. Neither could stop smiling, or stop looking at each other.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 A Pleasant Little Surprise

_February 4, 2012_

_We've decided to get married in April, on the 21__st__. It's soon, but we didn't want to wait. Why should we? Being engaged is lovely, but we want to be married. I still can't believe that he proposed. It caught me by surprise like you wouldn't believe. And the way he did it was gorgeous. The ring is perfect. The rest of our stay in Sydney was incredible. I'm so happy. Honestly, I think I'm turning from a steely detective into one big softie. I better not let Matty or Duncan know this! _

_February 5, 2012_

_With all the excitement of our engagement, and deciding on invitations and venues and dresses and guests, it's only just occurred to me that I'm late._

_February 6, 2012_

_I'm pregnant. I can't believe it. That didn't take long! Nick is going to be over the moon. I can't wait to tell him – he's going to be even more excited than me! I think we both thought this day was never going to happen. It's lucky we're getting married in two months isn't it! I hope I can still fit into the dress I've picked out!_

_I found out this afternoon when on a hunch, I popped in to the chemist on the way back to the office. I was so keen to take the test I was almost tempted to pull into the McDonald's on Griswold Street and run into the bathroom there to do it. That would've been decidedly unglamourous wouldn't it? Not exactly fitting with the exciting sense of occasion. So I decided to wait til I got back to the office and then I slipped into the ladies._

_Those little blue lines – oh my heart just about popped out of my chest when I saw them. I just can't believe I went so long thinking I wasn't ready for this, and pushing Nick away, and telling myself to just focus on my career. I don't know what changed my mind, but I've definitely come to realise what the most important things in life are these days. What was ever the point in being unhappy and alone? Even if it meant I earnt the big bucks and was respected by my colleagues? Work isn't going to be there forever. But Nick is. And this baby is._

Jen thought about how to tell him the whole drive home. Should she be cryptic about it? Should she tell him quietly, when they were in bed together, the lights out? Should she run through the door screeching her head off and give him a heart attack? She simply couldn't decide.

As she snuggled her car in next to Nick's ute in the double garage and pulled the keys out of the ignition, suddenly the gravity of the situation hit her and she couldn't wait. She scrambled quickly out of the car, running for the back door. If anyone she knew had have seen her at that moment they wouldn't have recognised her as the demure, in control, quiet Jennifer Mapplethorpe. This was some nutter nobody knew.

As she leapt up the back veranda steps she started yelling out his name. "Nick! Nick! Nick!" She yanked at the back door's handle only to discover it was locked. She hurriedly got out her keys and shoved the right one into the lock impatiently, already smiling to herself. "Nick Nick Nickkkkk!" She at last barrelled through the door. Her head turned from side to side quickly, searching for him. But the kitchen and living room were empty.

"Nick!" she called out again. "Nick?" Her breathing started slowing as the excitement left her a little.

Then she heard the bathroom door creak open. Her head snapped around in the direction of the noise. She dropped her bag at her feet and ran towards him. "Nick!"

He ran awkwardly out of the bathroom, dripping wet and struggling to secure a towel around his waist. "What? What's wrong?" he asked as he emerged, his brow all crinkled in concern at her bellowing voice.

She was still running. "I'm pregnant!" she squealed and jumped onto him, and luckily, his reflexes were ready and he caught her there in the hallway.

His eyes opened wide as they hugged, her head over his shoulder, still grinning her face off. She slid down him a moment later to allow her feet to touch the ground again, but she kept her arms around his neck and hopped up and down excitedly against him.

"Oh my God," he whispered, lost for words slightly. "Really?" he asked, shocked. "You're really pregnant?" He took her face in his hands, begging an answer from her eyes.

She still couldn't stand still and jumped like a hyped up seven year old in front of him. "Yes!" she exclaimed. "Six weeks. Our Christmas baby Nick," she smiled, and he instantly knew what she meant.

"Oh Jen," he grinned so widely his cheeks started to hurt instantly, but he bought her lips to his and kissed her flat out like a movie star, drawing it out and making her knees buckle beneath her. The passionate exchange made them both choke up a little and they stood tangled in each others arms for at least ten minutes, Nick with still just a towel on and Jen in her work gear. Suddenly regular life had stopped and a whole new adventure had begun.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 Awaiting Baby Beauty

_March 31, 2012_

_Nick and I have just spent the entire day shopping for baby things, and I cannot believe how much it has taken it out of me! It's starting to get that way now. I'm fourteen weeks, and I'm starting to feel it. Luckily, we got almost everything we needed today anyway, so there should be no such need for another huge trip like that for a long time! Not til the next one anyway._

_Ahhhh I can't believe I'm already talking about 'the next one' when this one isn't even out yet! Calm down Jen!_

_Nick is absolutely unstoppable at the moment, and I think if I'd asked this afternoon as we trundled around Freedom for him to put me in the trolley and push me round so that I didn't have to walk he probably would've happily obliged! He is so keen to be a Dad – he's devoting so much time and energy to planning the baby's room, getting the right furniture and pram and toys, making sure I'm well looked after. He's like a little Energiser bunny. But it's adorable. He's going to be great at this._

_He is also SO sure it's going to be a girl, and has nicknamed her 'Baby Beauty', and I have even found myself calling him/her that since we haven't thought of an official name we both love yet. I don't mind what name we choose, or what sex it is really. I know every expectant parent probably says this, but I just want Baby Beauty to be healthy. Nick just wants him/her to __be__ here already. He isn't the most patient person in the world. But the due date is still pretty far away, and we still have our wedding to look forward to, and our honeymoon. It's going to be a roller coaster few months!_

As Nick got to work assembling the new cot they'd bought the following Saturday, Jen wandered into the room and leant against the door frame, watching him as he juggled screws and beams and instruction leaflets.

"Nick," a thought suddenly dawned on Jen, and she wondered why she'd never thought of it before. It clearly hadn't occurred to Nick either, so in the millisecond after she'd said his name, she decided to give him a bit of a fright – all in good fun.

"Yeah?" he replied without looking up from what he was doing.

"You know we're going to have to sell your ute don't you?" she asked, trying to suppress her smile.

Nick's head snapped up instantly. "What?"

Jen shrugged her shoulders innocently. "A baby is not going to fit in the tray Nick." She was trying so hard to be serious.

"But…I just…I just finished paying it off!" He got up off the floor and stood in front of her, a wounded look on his face. His ute was his pride and joy the way their house was, and she knew it. He looked so shocked and upset that she couldn't keep up her act for long.

She chuckled quietly, and put a playful hand to his cheek, giving it a light tap. "I'm just pulling your leg you dag." She grinned up at him and a look of relief washed over his face, and then only a moment later, a sly grin. "We'll sell my car instead. I won't need a zippy little bug anymore."

"Ohhhhh Jen," he chuckled back. "You're lucky you already have that ring on your finger!" He pulled her in close and they shared a quick kiss.

As she walked out of the room she held up her left hand and waggled her fingers so he could see her ring and she smiled over her shoulder at him cheekily. "Now get back to work detective."

Later that night as they lay beside each other in bed, snuggled in close together, Nick's arm protectively around Jennifer's little bundle, he asked her the question he'd been dying to ask ever since they'd found out they were having a baby. He played with the hair that fell on her forehead as he did so.

"Do you think you'll go back to work after the baby Jen?"

Jennifer shrugged her shoulders in reply. "I honestly don't know. I don't know what it'll be like after the baby arrives…" she trailed off, then picked up again a few seconds later. "…maybe I won't want to?" She looked at Nick. "Or maybe I'll feel like I couldn't possibly find the time to go to work and be a mother too?" She shrugged her shoulders at him again. They were going into this blindly.

Nick nodded, understanding. It's going to be so much about her, he thought. I'm really just along for the ride.

Then she said something that really surprised him.

"And then if we have more, I'll have even less time."

"More?" he asked gently. He didn't bring up how she had once said she wasn't ready to have children – that was a difficult and painful time in their lives, and he knew she liked to keep it behind her now. She had changed, and she liked better the person she had since become.

She nodded into his chest. "Maybe…" she whispered. "We'll see how much trouble Baby Beauty gives us first."

He smiled at her and held her closer, and not long after, they were both asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 Without Hesitation

_April 19, 2012_

_I want to take a moment to write a serious entry before I get too loopy with baby brain or too exhausted or just plain run out of time. This journal can be something I look back on as our child grows up, and Nick and I grow old together, and I want to have it written on paper just how perfect life is right now, so that I can always remember how it felt, in case it doesn't last. Not that I can ever picture my life with Nick not being perfect – I am certain we will be this happy, together, forever – but I would just like a record of it._

_The baby is today somersaulting, or playing football, or doing something very active in my belly – perhaps he or she is excited for the wedding! To lie in bed at night and feel this little person inside of me is a feeling I'm not even sure I can put into words properly. I am constantly trying to explain it to Nick, and I constantly feel like I am not doing the feeling justice. It's like little flurries of bubbles sometimes – it takes me by surprise and sometimes even makes me jump, but it's such a pleasant, delicious, beautiful feeling that I can only smile. It is incredible to think that in a few months, this lovely feeling will be a weight in my arms that will cry and gurgle and smile and wriggle. _

_It is so hard to imagine. I remember when I was a teenager and I dreamt of exploring Europe as soon as I had the money. I'd lie in bed at night and try to imagine what it'd be like to stand in front of the Eiffel Tower and look up at it, or walk down a London street, or sit in a gondola in Venice. I'd imagine so hard my brain would hurt. And then when I finally got there a few years later, and I actually did walk down a London street, and I actually did see the Eiffel Tower with my own eyes…it was NOTHING like what I'd imagined. It was so much more – so, so much more than I could have ever dreamt. It was better, bigger and more amazing than I was even capable of dreaming as a sixteen year old._

_I know that is what it's going to be like welcoming this child into the world – I can try to picture it, I can try to imagine what it'll be like to have a family of three instead of just two, I can try to hear the baby noises, and try to imagine what it'll feel like to have a little person to be responsible for, but everything I imagine will not even come close – that I am sure of. Nick and I can only wait and see and live it moment by moment, completely unprepared, but ready to give it a red hot go._

_I'll admit I am a little nervous. I don't like to think of how for the longest time I didn't feel ready for this. That was a time where I felt so overwhelmingly immature and incapable, and I was almost ashamed of it. To be a 30 something woman and feel that way, I felt like something was wrong with me. And it was so hard to tell that to Nick, who was the complete opposite. Never has there been a man more ready to have kids and more perfect for the role of father than him, and I was letting him down by being the one person he wanted that with but who wouldn't deliver. So maybe memories of that time, even though I feel in a totally different space now, are what are making me nervous. But I just have to keep reminding myself that I will have Nick, and together we can raise a baby._

_And in two days we will be married – now THAT is crazy! I'm so excited though, and so is Nick, and so is Baby Beauty! The last two weeks I have been feeling wretched, and I've been hoping and praying that for the wedding I'll be ok, and it seems Baby Beauty was listening to my thoughts, because he or she has finally settled down and isn't giving me any grief this week, just blowing bubbles excitedly. Bubbles and somersaulting I can handle in a wedding dress. Throwing up and having an aversion to every single food offered to me I cannot._

_I cannot wait to marry Nick – I don't think anyone realises just how much I love him. I don't think I even realise half the time. But he is the love of my life, and I am so looking forward to the rest of our life together._

_I feel so blessed, like I don't deserve all of this. _

A firm hand clapped down on Nick's shoulder and he turned around to face his childhood friend. "I hope you're going to stop shaking when you exchange rings," came the remark.

Nick smiled a nervous smile back at Jared. "I will," he answered. "I just want to see her…as soon as I see her I'll be fine."

He didn't have to wait much longer as moments later she was walking up the aisle on the arm of her grandfather. He watched her as she approached, unable to tear his eyes away from her. For a few moments it felt like there was no one in the room but the two of them. They only had eyes for each other and he couldn't believe just how beautiful she looked.

In sickness and in health

To be with you

Just to be with you

In your wedding dress

To have and to hold

Jared clinked his fork on his glass lightly, quickly gaining the small crowds attention. Once he had it, he turned the attention over to Nick.

"I remember the first day I met you," he began slowly, as if reliving the day again in his mind. It felt like yesterday. He smiled over at his new wife, who sat stunning in the seat beside him, her rings sparkling on her finger, her dress making her look like a million bucks, her make up so natural yet making her look so beautiful. He laughed to himself suddenly as he went on. "You were so dismissive of me, never even entertaining the idea you should get involved with someone you worked with."

The crowd gave a friendly laugh at the story as he went on. "And it took us a while," he continued quietly, his eyes still locked onto Jen's. "But we got it together eventually, and I'm so happy that we did."

"Because Jen it…it was always you," he said quietly into the microphone. "I never believed in forever until I met you. But now I know…I'll love you forever."

A collective sigh went through the room as all the female hearts in a ten kilometre radius thumped to the floor in a romantic swoon.

But according to him

I'm beautiful, incredible

He can't get me out of his head

According to him

I'm funny, irresistible

Everything he ever wanted

As they took their first dance as husband and wife, Jen kept infinitely close to Nick as they moved gently to the strains of their favourite song. He couldn't stop smiling down at her silently, just taking in her beauty – her beaded gown, her long eyelashes, her lightly bronzed skin, her small baby bump. His large hand held her securely at the waist and guided her slowly around the dance floor along with his other hand. He felt like the luckiest guy in the world.

So his heart was completely at her disposal when she rested her forehead against his and whispered to him at the end of the song. "Why did we wait so long to do this?"

They could only smile at each other.

Remember our first dance?

And our first kiss?

I pictured my life with you to be just like this


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 Countdown Concerns

_September 2, 2012_

_We're having a girl. A little girl! I am so thrilled. Nick is running around telling the entire world this news – he is so excited. I am too, but right now he has so much more energy than I do after a long day, so I'm enjoying some time to put my feet up and spend a bit of time – just me and baby – while he is dropping by his parents on the way home from work. Right now I just want a bubble bath, but not Energiser Bunny Nick! _

_Everyone at work has been so great the last few months. I have such good friends. They're all taking such good care of me, even during the times I don't need taking care of, and I will really miss them all when I'm on maternity leave. Especially because I don't know if I will go back to Homicide after my maternity leave is up. I really have no idea how things will pan out, having a baby and all. How long will be long enough to be away from work? Will I be bored at home after the first week? Or will I be so exhausted that work will be the furtherest thing from my mind for months, even years? Will I tap into this maternal gift Mum keeps telling me Mapplethorpe women have and handle it all like a pro?_

_I really don't know at all, and it's kind of itching at me. Nick has been great and not really pressed the issue. Not that I would mind if he did bring it up though because perhaps it would help to clarify things for me…but, ahhh I don't know. There are just so many things I don't know with this whole motherhood thing. I feel like I'm going into it with a blindfold on. I'm just hoping for the best really. I'll muddle through somehow._

_Anyway, I know my workmates will be there for me, like they always are. What would I do without the likes of Matt and Dunny and Allie? We are such a little family. My work family. It's only with the huge amounts of hormones racing through me at the moment that I realise just how much I do actually adore them all. _

_And my goodness have they all been showering me with love and attention these days! Matt the most…and even Allie is coming to the baby shower Mum is throwing me next week. Who would've thought Allie Kingston would sit on someone's veranda and drink tea and eat cupcakes with a whole bunch of other women voluntarily? Not me! But she is coming! (But I bet she hasn't told the guys!)_

_Matt got us a truly gorgeous painting to hang in the baby's room – it took my breath away when I unwrapped it. It's a scene right out of a storybook, with fairies and rabbits and willow trees everywhere. It's so ornate and detailed, and must've cost him a fortune. I have already hung it in the nursery, and it looks perfect. _

_I can't wait to introduce Beauty to all these terrific people who will be part of her life._

_September 25, 2012_

_I'm just taking it easy in this last week, and Nick is on leave from work right now too, so we have plenty of time to spend together, which is so nice. I've only just realised that we won't have much of this kind of time after Beauty arrives, so I should saviour these last few days. And we have been, don't get me wrong. Nick is like a cuddly toy – so gentle and loving. I'm a lucky woman to have him._

"A poached egg on toast?" Nick asked.

Jen screwed up her face. "Nah."

"A toasted sandwich?"

"Nah."

"Vegemite toast?"

"Nothing with bread Nick!" she said, slightly exasperated. She rested a hand on her stomach and crinkled her brow, shifting uncomfortably against the pillows with her other hand.

"Banana split?" he pulled the random choice out of the air.

Her brow crinkled even more. "Oh gosh no."

He stood in front of her with raised eyebrows, his arms folded across his chest. "Well I'm sorry, there's nothing left I can offer you. Except my body."

She grinned cheekily. "That'll do," she assured him. He hopped into the bed beside her and her discomfort was immediately just a memory as he turned and leant over her to switch off the bedside lamp, leaving them lying in almost complete darkness.

He shuffled in close to her, breathing in her lovely scent. It wasn't just her freshly washed hair, or the faint whiff of her perfume that always clung to her skin. No, it was something else as well. It was her pregnant smell, he concluded. A heady mixture that was so unbelievably…woman. And it smelt remarkable. He leaned in to kiss her hungrily, enjoying being wrapped up within the aroma.

Jen certainly wasn't about to kick him out of bed and they enjoyed being close again for several breath taking minutes but it eventually got to the point where she had to pull back. "Sorry," she whispered, lightly biting her bottom lip momentarily.

He eased himself down on the pillow slightly. "Are you uncomfortable?" he asked, sweeping her fringe across her forehead as he always did.

She smiled meekly, admitting defeat unhappily and easing herself over to face him more. "Yeah…a bit," she replied. "I'm sorry."

Nick smiled. "It's ok Jen," he said. They laid back against the pillows together, Jen settling into the space between Nick's arm and his chest. And there they laid all night long as they discussed endlessly what they wanted to do with their children, how they wanted to raise them, what they wanted them to be like.

And you hold me in your arms

And all that I can see

Is my future in your hands

And all that I can feel

Is how long ever after is

And it's all that I can do

To be with you

Just to be with you

_September 26, 2012_

_I miss being able to get really close to Nick. We haven't been able to really lately, and last night's attempt at anything even remotely romantic was a complete disaster. I miss being intimate with him, the way we were before I was pregnant. Will it ever go back to how it was? I worry about silly things like this as I wile away my time here at home. _

"Don't worry sweetheart," Janine assured her daughter, patting her hand softly, a glint in her experienced eye. "He will probably want to get his hands on you even more after the baby comes."

"What, when I'm strung out and snappy and my eyes are falling out of my head?" Jennifer asked wearily, not confident in her mother's words.

"No, when you've got bigger boobs and more curves and he's been able to see what a great mother you are," she winked.

"Mum!" Jen admonished, reddening in the face.

"Trust me, he'll love it."

Together they laughed and went back to their tea and biscuits.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 A New Family

_September 29, 2012_

_I'm not going to lie. It was tough. But Nick was by my side. And the second she popped out, we were totally smitten. It was unbelievable – she is absolutely perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes and the most breathtaking face that is just Nick all over. Our little Christmas baby._

_We've decided to name her Elise, after his grandmother, whom he adored. Nick calls her his little ray of sunshine. He's totally infatuated – it is pull at your heart strings stuff._

Nick punched the elevator button with his thumb wearily. He ran a hand over his face, stifling a yawn. But it took him only a second to realise that for the first time ever his tiredness was not an inconvenience or a pain. As he swallowed the last of his yawn he thought about how happy he was to be tired and feeling this way – the last twenty four hours had been sleepless but unforgettable. And now they were a family. He wanted to stay awake for the rest of his life now.

"Buchanan?" A voice popped up out of nowhere from behind him.

Nick spun around just as the lift doors opened. "George!" Nick beamed, and stuck out a hand to greet his old academy buddy. It had been a good ten years since he'd seen him. "How are you?"

George gave an indiscriminate shrug. "Oh you know – starting to fall apart as I get older." He gestured down to the restrictive brace he wore on his knee, a scary array of straps and buckles and velcro. But he returned Nick's smile. "What about yourself? Not here for anything unpleasant I hope?"

Nick's smile only grew wider. "No, quite the opposite," he explained bashfully, struggling to keep in his beaming pride. "My wife's just had a baby." The smile couldn't be wiped off his face.

"Oh fantastic!" George extended his hand again and shook Nick's heartily, old fashioned wishes of congratulations being exchanged with a simple firm handshake. "Well done mate, you must be stoked."

Nick nodded. He was a thousand times more than stoked.

"Your first?" George asked.

"Yeah," he replied. "A girl."

"And have you settled on a name?"

Nick nodded again, almost bubbling over. "Elise."

"Great choice mate," George grinned. "Give my best to your wife won't you?" Nick nodded yet again. "I better get to this appointment or the doctor will think I've stood him up."

They shook hands again and George bade Nick farewell. As he walked away Nick pressed the button for the lift again and a moment later stepped inside when the doors opened, and headed back up to see his family.

It didn't take long for all of the troops to trundle over to the Buchanan house in the days after Jen and Elise returned home. But they were quiet and respectful, coming in pairs and only when they had rung beforehand to ensure no one was asleep or needing alone time.

Jen and Nick loved watching their colleagues coo and fawn over Elise – it was like seeing a whole different side to the detectives. Oddly enough, Bernice was the first to visit, managing to get away from the office during a time when her team could not. She sat opposite Jen and Nick at their kitchen table and rocked the infant like she was born to do it, rubbing little circles on her back as she did so. Jennifer wondered if she had done exactly the same to Josh when he was a baby.

"I'd forgotten how little they are," Bernice admitted quietly with a wistful smile. "Josh was so tiny when he was born…"

Jennifer and Nick could see her struggle to control her emotions, pressing her lips together defiantly. She breathed in deeply a moment later and then forced a smile at the new parents. "But then he grew into this unstoppable, soccer playing, video game obsessed sprite of a thing…and I wondered how he'd ever been this small."

Jennifer nodded and smiled sympathetically at her boss. "He would've been almost finished highschool by now wouldn't he?" she asked softly.

Bernice nodded without saying anything. She stared down at Elise and longed to have her own child back in her arms – her little shadow. She missed Josh more every day.

Later, when Bernice headed for the door, she bent her head towards Jennifer's and spoke quietly. "Cherish this Jennifer. It goes far too quickly. Enjoy it while you can. I miss it more than I can tell you. "

Jen smiled in reply. "I will."

"By the looks of it, motherhood suits you."

That night as Jen dressed after a shower, she really did take a moment to think about how much she was enjoying the motherhood experience so far. Just as her mother had assured her, everything had come steadily together, and while there had been a few little mini disasters, she was happy with how the first few days had gone. Homicide had been the furtherest thing from her mind, and right now, she liked it that way.

As she walked back down the quiet hallway towards Elise's nursery, running a hand through her damp hair, she interrupted a tender little moment between father and daughter. In the rocking chair by the window sat Nick, who held a sleeping Elise out over his knees and thighs. He just stared at her as she slumbered in his arms, rocking the chair backward and forward ever so slightly. When Jen leant against the doorframe and took in the sweet scene before her, he looked up and flashed her the most genuinely happy grin she'd ever seen from him. "I want to have so many more of these," he confessed quietly to his wife.

She smiled right back at him and stepped into the room to kneel down by the pair. She placed a finger in Elise's tiny fist and whispered her reply. "So do I."

In my heart a place

A most special place

And it's all for you

You're my girl

You're my angel

You're my world

_October 8, 2012_

_We are so lucky to have such a beautiful, healthy baby. And she just loves being with Nick. So often I just find them lying on the floor, or sitting in the rocking chair, her on his chest, them both sound asleep. Nick just adores having his little bits of quiet time with her every day. It melts my heart._

_We're slowly settling into home now and finding a routine with Elise. It's a handful, and I wouldn't be able to do it without Nick's help I don't think, so I am glad he still has a few more weeks off. We fumble through everyday together. It's nice. Sometimes I don't know what to do and he doesn't know what to do either, but we figure it out in the end. This is only the beginning, and I'm so looking forward to a lifetime more of this._

Jennifer looked at herself critically in the wardrobe mirror. She frowned. She knew she was not even two months post baby, but she still envisioned herself looking a bit better than this. She adjusted the hem of her top as she continued to stare at her reflection.

And then a wolf whistle interrupted her self consciousness. She looked at Nick in the mirror as he stood a few metres behind her at the bureau, reaching into the top drawer for a pair of socks. He grinned at her. She could only crack half a smile back.

"You look gorgeous Jen," he remarked as he sat down on the bed to pull on his socks and shoes, a towel still around his shoulders, his hair wet and his face freshly shaven. "What a knock out."

"Really?" she asked back sceptically, looking again at herself.

Nick watched her silently critique herself and knew he needed to do something about it as she then turned around to face him, seeking reassurance but never daring to ask for it out loud. He got up and approached her and when he was close enough, he pulled the towel from around his neck and used it to wrap around her hips and pull her in close to him.

Her eyes were downcast as she slipped her hands around his torso. She let out a little sigh and then looked up at him as he stood looking at her kindly. "I'm just not used to feeling like this…" she admitted quietly. "I just feel so stretched and awkward and blah and as bad as I felt the week before I had her."

"Well you might feel like that but you certainly don't look it," he whispered as their foreheads touched. "This is the 110% version of you Jen – the best version yet."

She smiled bashfully, flooded with relief at her husband's kind words. She rose up onto her toes to kiss him on the lips quickly. "Thanks," she whispered honestly.

He took her hand and squeezed it tightly as he led her from the room and into the nursery where Elise was already asleep in her pram, ready to leave the house. "Don't worry babe," he reassured her again as he wheeled the pram out of the room and towards the back door.

"I'll always think you're beautiful."

_November 5, 2012_

_Nick went back to work a few weeks ago, so it's just me and baby now, but we're doing all right. I have managed to find time to actually get out of my pyjamas and brush my hair, which I think is quite an achievement, and maybe what makes Nick come home at night, because it's certainly not the sexy motherhood body my Mum promised would woo my husband to new heights! Elise has really begun sucking it all out of me just in the last week, and those boobs and curves I had for a while that certainly did impress Nick are now starting to disappear._

_But it doesn't matter, because I can see Nick is just so happy, right from within. It's like he's walking on a cloud, day after day. He floats through the door after shift and the first thing he wants to do is give me a kiss and then see Elise. It's just beautiful. I've never seen him quite so happy. The three of us spend all our time together when he's home – he even sits up with me sometimes, in the middle of the night as I feed Elise and we talk and talk and talk, even though half the time we're so bloody tired I feel like I have to prop my eyes open with toothpicks. We have so many plans for our daughter, and so many hopes and dreams for her. We wonder what she'll look like when she grows up, what her opinions and beliefs will be, what she will be interested in, what she will study and be passionate about. It almost gives me goosebumps even just thinking about it now as I write – she has her whole life ready and waiting ahead of her. How exciting is that?_

_It's nice too to share our happiness with our friends and family. Mum is as in love with Elise as Nick is, and has been here often, helping us out and revelling in her new grandmother status. Then on Saturday night the super intendant invited the Homicide crew to her place for a meal, and it was so great to get out of the house and see everyone again, and chat and laugh together. And Nick and I of course got to show off Elise some more, which everyone seemed to love. We've entered a new era now, but that old comraderie I thought might've diminished a bit is still very much there, and the entire group is still so close, even though we've all now had children and married and been promoted and just been through so much in the last year or two. We're still the same Homicide team, and I love that. I was sad to head home at the end of the night, I have to admit. So sad that I think I'm going to go into Homicide in the next few weeks and just talk to some people. See what my options are. It's very early, but I just miss the old place. _


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 You Know it When You Hear It

Nick and Jen sat on the couch quietly, the last of the evening news playing out on the screen before them as Elise gurgled down her dinner. As she finished and Jen straightened up her clothing again and moved the baby to her shoulder, Nick switched off the television and just watched his wife and how she handled their child so naturally. He wondered what she had ever been worried about. He leant back further into the couch cushions as she patted the back of the infant encouragingly. _This must be what domestic bliss feels like, _Nick thought to himself.

"Oh!" Jen quipped suddenly. "Ohhhhhh," she frowned.

Nick looked closer and then chuckled. "And you thought you were going to get through the whole of this week without a spew moment didn't you?" he teased Jennifer gently. "Well, Sunday night, 6:30pm…you almost made it!"

Jen shook her head and couldn't help but laugh. "So close…I was so close!"

Nick stood up and took Elise from her, careful not to get anything unpleasant on his own clothes.

"Thanks," Jen said, still smiling. She heaved herself up off the couch, pulling the half soiled cloth off her shoulder and then pulling the shoulder and collar of her shirt up so it wasn't touching her skin.

"I'll put her down," Nick offered, stepping away from the couch and making for the nursery as Jen made for the laundry to peel off her milky vomit shirt and throw it in a bucket of water.

A few minutes later she walked shirtless back to the bedroom she shared with Nick and into the en suite, where she wiped at her shoulder with a wet flannel, keen to get rid of the smell of baby spew from her skin. She walked back out a moment later and almost collided with Nick.

"No traces left?" he asked jokingly before he got too close.

She laughed. "I'm clean," she replied before letting him gather her in his arms. They shared a long and drawn out kiss before Jen came up for air. "Is she asleep?"

Nick nodded into the nook of her collarbone where he was planting feather light kisses on her skin seductively. It had already set the butterflies in her stomach fluttering – a feeling she hadn't felt in a while, but she momentarily wondered if he was feeling the same.

"Nick…" she whispered in his embrace. "I may have got the spew off my shoulder but I'm still wearing grungy yoga pants and no shoes." She wondered what he could possibly see in such a vision of new motherhood.

"So what?" he replied, smiling handsomely. He was wearing similar attire – it was Sunday night after all – and they seemed to read each other's minds suddenly. "It's been more than two months Jen."

She knew. Boy, did she know. She nodded. "I know, I know," she replied. "And I know the doctor said we could…" She feigned her hesitation, just to get him worked up, not dissimilar to the day she threatened to sell his ute. "But I dunno Nick. I don't know if I feel quite there yet." He pulled back and looked at her, a streak of worry crossing his features for a moment.

She had to give him credit – he backed right off. "Well, if that's how you feel…"

"Besides, how could you find this attractive?" She pushed her shoulder towards his face, where she knew the smell of milky vomit still lingered, despite her washing off efforts.

It was this mocking move that caught her out, and Nick no longer fell for her damsel in distress act. He didn't even say anything, just smiled devilishly and pulled her in for another pash. She wrapped her arms around his neck willingly and didn't even feel self conscious when he lifted her up and hoisted her onto his hips.

As they stumbled over to the bed, Nick exploring and appreciating new curvatures and shapes in her post pregnancy figure, Jennifer felt a new, better than ever before, kind of rush in her veins.

_Maybe my mother was right!_

_December 10, 2012_

_Tomorrow I'm going to drop Elise at Mum's and head into the city and into work. Nobody will be expecting me, but I mentioned briefly to Wolfey at Bernice's dinner party that I wanted to speak to him at some point, so it won't be a total surprise to see me. But I just want to keep it casual, simple. No decisions need to be made. I don't even know when Nick will be in the office tomorrow. But I'm just going to pop in. _

_Kind of miss the place!_

Jennifer rubbed her hand in small circles on her daughter's tiny back, gently rippling the soft material of her jumpsuit with each one. She bounced her up and down ever so gently, willing her to fall back asleep. It was still so early, and she wanted to catch another hours sleep before she got up properly, if she could.

"There are my two girls," came Nick's soft voice from the doorway. Jen looked up and over at him and couldn't help but smile at the look on his handsome face. He stepped over to them in the dimly lit room and wrapped his arms around them both. With Elise curled up into a mini ball of sleep, her fists clenched, her head buried in her mother's shoulder and her feet tucked up in Jennifer's hand, she lay sandwiched between her parents blissfully unaware.

I wake up everyday

On my tongue a song of praise

You still take my breath away in the morning light

The smile remained on Jennifer's face as he swayed them to his own rhythm there in the middle of the room, his head bent to be close to the top of his daughter's. He placed a light kiss on her head before looking into Jen's eyes and smiling lovingly. What a complete family we are, Jennifer thought to herself happily as she kept a secure grip on the baby and revelled in her family's presence at the same time.

A few minutes later, Nick reluctantly pulled away from them, leaving one last kiss on Elise's cheek before he went to leave the room, ready for another day at Homicide.

Jennifer adjusted her hold on Elise and walked back to the bassinet to put her now snoozing child back into bed, but was interrupted just as she was about to lean forward and do just that. It was Nick – unable to stop himself from having one last goodbye. He placed a hand on her lower back and kissed her long and hard in farewell. Elise didn't even stir between them again.

"I love you," Nick whispered when they'd torn their lips apart. "I'll see you at lunchtime."

He walked backwards out of the room, savouring every single second of seeing his wife and daughter in such a perfect setting before him. The sun streamed through the window behind them and highlighted everything from Jennifer's golden hair to the button of a nose Elise possessed and burnt a pleasant image into Nick's brain that he knew would never dissipate. _I'm so lucky_ he thought as he waved unwillingly to them as he finally left the house.

Like a sailing ship at sea bearing spice and history

You come swaying to me in your prime

You're thirty nine, you're beautiful and you're mine

"Jen!" Duncan called out, surprised to see his colleague back on the Homicide floor.

"Hey Dunny," she beamed, giving him a quick hug.

He smiled back. "You're looking good…that husband of yours will never stray!" he joked.

"I should hope not," she chuckled back.

"Where's Elise?" Duncan asked, propping himself up on the edge of a nearby desk as he spoke to her.

"She's with my Mum, getting spoilt rotten for the morning, you know," she explained slyly, knowing Janine was doing just that with the infant.

Duncan nodded knowingly. "Well Nick just went down to the basement to records if you're looking for him."

Jennifer shook her head slightly, hoisting her handbag further up on her shoulder. "Oh nah, we're catching up later. I just came to have a chat with Wolfey."

"Not handing in your notice I hope?" Duncan asked with a little frown.

"No," she smiled, her heart soaring to think that such a thing would sadden one of her colleagues so much.

"Good," he replied. He leant over, tapped her upper arm and kissed her on the cheek like a true gentleman. "'Cos we really miss you round here!" He walked back to his desk and left Jen to wind her way through the office and towards Stanley's door.

Allie hurried past her when she was just about to knock on their boss's door. "How are you Jen?" she asked quickly, starting to jog. "I'm just going down to records – want me to tell Nick you're here?"

Jen was still in the flurry of movement around her as Allie, like a hurricane, breezed past. She shook her head dazedly and answered. "If you want," she called out as Allie got further away. "But I'm seeing him later anyway."

Allie threw her hand up in the air and gave a thumbs up to Jen as she jogged into the waiting lift and its doors snapped shut immediately behind her. "Allie Kingston," Jen laughed under her breath. "Always running." She shook her head and smiled.

Jennifer and Stanley had just gotten past the niceties when the first earth shattering explosion shook the building. Both stopped talking as the walls shook around them. Photo frames slid off Stanley's shelves and several drawers of his filing cabinet popped open. It took them by such surprise that neither said anything for a moment, but Stanley began to rise out of his chair. As Jennifer did the same a second blast rocked them and each saw in each others eyes the fear. The knowing. The moment.

You know a terrorist attack when you hear it.

It can't be anything else.

The building vibrated around them, eerily without much noise. Both cops fled into the common area, only to come face to face with the startled reactions of their colleagues, stopped in their tracks at the feeling of the impacts. Several rushed to the few windows that bordered the floor Homicide lived on and Jennifer could hear them gasp at what they saw below them. Her eyes darted around the office in a panic as she spread her feet wide in her stance. She didn't know whether to run for her life or not. But when a third pounding of the building was felt, her mind was made up for her. She bolted for the stairwell as the roof above her head started to fall away. She didn't look back at Stanley, at Duncan. She just ran, taking the stairs two and three at a time, making her way as fast as she could down through the lower floors, desperate to get to the ground floor.

She was so focussed on the journey, as the building continued to buckle and shudder around her, that she didn't notice the sea of people who had joined her in the stairwells. They pushed and shoved past each other, jostling for position, stepping on feet, pushing people dangerously far over the stair railings, all in a wild panic to get to freedom. As Jennifer descended her third flight of steps the stairwell was suddenly plunged into darkness as the power was lost. Even the bright green exit signs were so longer lit up. She felt a minute ripple in the crowd as those around her reacted to the sudden and terrifying change of scenery, but she kept going blindly, just stepping down step after step.

A few moments later she felt a shove in her side and was toppled to the ground, hitting the cold cement of yet another stairwell with a hard thump as she landed awkwardly on her left wrist. Someone immediately stepped full force onto three of her fingers, crushing them painfully.

But she propelled herself straight back up again, refusing to become engulfed in the flurry of dread that had encased all those around her. Just a few more flights and she would be outside. In the sunshine. In the fresh summer air. Fresh summer air where she could breathe easily, wasn't surrounded by other people, and where she could start looking for Nick and her colleagues.

She continued to run, stepping over unidentifiable obstacles on the stairwells, brushing past warm bodies, losing one shoe and then moments later the other, then the sleeve of her blouse and the watch off her wrist all in the scuffle. She couldn't feel or hear herself breathing, but didn't think she was holding her breath. She just wanted to get out.

And just like that the sunlight beckoned her out of the pitch blackness and into its warm and enveloping embrace. She stumbled through a ragged, half deteriorating archway and into the light. Debris knocked her shoulders as it fell around her as she lunged towards the inviting glow, just happy to be out alive. She stumbled across the road, oblivious to those around her, only then realising she was covered in ash and dust. Her limbs felt half dead, not knowing what to do but hang out in front of her or by her sides. She couldn't seem to find the strength to brush the debris off her, yet somehow was able to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Around her people stood and sat amongst the rubble, even though previous world events really should've scared them into running away – as far away as they could get from the scene, just in case it got worse. But many were injured, or dazed as she was. They weren't sure which direction to go, or who could help them. In the distance Jennifer heard the screaming of ambulance sirens, but they felt so far away. It was only upon hearing the sirens that she finally looked down at her left hand to see it swollen and bruised already and several of her fingers grazed and bleeding, the ugly red of her blood staining her engagement and wedding rings. Only when she looked at the injury did it begin to hurt.

Suddenly someone put an arm around her and steered her towards safety. Jennifer struggled to speak over the calming reassuring voice that was talking softly to her. "Nick – " she stuttered. "Wait, Nick. I've got to find Nick. I don't know where he is."

The Samaritan squeezed her shoulder gently and nodded. "Don't worry, we'll find Nick."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 Seeking You Out

Janine Mapplethorpe held the baby capsule tightly, and peaked fearfully around the corner and into the waiting room. There despondent sat her daughter, her previously full of life, shining daughter. Jennifer had been replaced by a shell of a woman, grey to the face, wrist strapped, fingers purple, grazed a plenty and dressed in clothes that were so clearly not her own. She was almost unrecognisable. Janine shuddered inwardly then approached.

She sat down silently beside her and placed the capsule at her feet. Reaching for her daughter's good hand, she held it softly until Jennifer looked her mother in the eye, her face contorted in paralysing shock and fear and she fell into her mother's arms and cried like the world had ended. When a few moments later Jennifer had regained some control Janine spoke quietly.

"I've found out where Nick is," she whispered. Jennifer raised her tear stained face in question. It pained Janine to reveal what she had found out. "He's not in this hospital."

Jennifer stood up immediately and Janine stood with her, still keeping a firm grip on her daughter. "Take me to him," Jennifer whispered, her voice hoarse and sore from all the dust and ash she had inhaled earlier.

"Let me find out if you're good to leave here first sweetheart," Janine insisted gently. She made Jennifer sit back down in her seat. "I'll go and check…I'll be right back." She gave her daughter the most reassuring smile she could muster and picked the baby capsule up off the floor and put it on the seat where she'd been sitting. She wanted to draw out the time before Jennifer saw Nick, though she didn't know why. She knew he wasn't in a good way, and she wanted to spare her daughter the heartache, but also knew she needed and deserved every moment she could get with him.

Jennifer did as she was told and remained seated. She stared blankly at her lap as Janine walked into the next room to speak to the nurse there. She then looked over at a sleeping Elise, bundled securely into her little capsule, strapped in and covered with a pink blanket Janine had quilted her. She reached out and ran her shaking hand over the baby's tiny head, her soft hair slipping between Jennifer's fingertips. A tear slipped down her face as she stared at their child, already a feeling of absolute dread spreading through her body.

A moment later Janine returned and Jennifer immediately stood up, grabbing the handle of the capsule as she did so. She joined her mother at the door to the waiting room and there Janine took the infant from her grasp with one hand and reached for Jennifer's right hand with the other. They walked down the hallway and out of the hospital slowly and hand in hand, both eager to get to Nick, yet wanting to procrastinate at the same time, because at least in the time up until they finally saw him they could still pretend that this hadn't happened, that it was all a dream, that terrorism had not rocked Melbourne and that Nick was just fine.

Jennifer sat in the backseat of Janine's car with Elise. She didn't speak. As Janine drove she spent more time looking at her daughter in the rear vision mirror than she did keeping her eyes on the road, checking to make sure she wasn't about to pass out from the shock, or dissolve into tears again. She hated this. All she wanted for Jennifer was happiness, and she had finally found it in Nick, and now she was driving her towards what could potentially be the end of that happiness. What had her precious, caring, well meaning daughter ever done to deserve this?


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 Confrontation

Janine and Jennifer walked into the dimly lit room together, still holding hands tightly. Their view of Nick was blocked by two nurses working on him quietly, but when a moment later they stepped away and towards the two women, Jennifer's hand immediately fell from her mothers. She looked at her husband, unable to cry, or even move from her place at the foot of the bed. Her eyes then darted around her frantically, noticing for the first time all the machines he was attached to – all the machines that were keeping him alive.

He lay there silently – _of course _Jennifer thought – but he still looked the same. For the most part anyway. His left wrist was in a splint, and stitches marked his forehead, but all the other injuries – the burns that covered so much of his lower body, the shattered knee, the broken ribs, the collapsed lung – were thankfully out of her sight thanks to blankets or bandages. For this, Janine at least, was grateful. But all Jennifer could look at was his face. The face of the man she'd married so happily not that long ago. The face she'd fallen in love with many moons before that. The face that looked at their daughter in a way he didn't even look at his wife. The face that was so full of emotion, all the time, always giving away how he felt in his heart. But that face now…it gave away nothing. And that was what scared her the most.

The nurses spoke in hushed tones to Janine back out in the hallway as they left Jennifer at the end of the bed, still tearless, still glued to the spot. She gave not a second thought to anything but the scene before her. When she heard the voices behind her stop, and then someone pull the door closed to trap Jennifer in the small room, she at last moved.

She approached his right side – the side with the least amount of machines beeping and whirring and stood there for a while, not getting any closer, simply taking it all in. It was starting to hurt the longer she stood there and the more she became aware of just how much work the machines were doing for Nick. She began to almost hyperventilate, breathing very quickly through her nose, her lips glued shut – she knew if she opened them she'd only let out sobs.

After a while of struggling to breathe normally, she gave in and opened her mouth, trying to take in deep breaths. She reached out and with a little fumbling, managed to lower the guard rail at the bedside so that she could lie down beside him. Leaning painfully on her injured left arm, she then reached back with her right hand to pull the rail back up again behind her so that she could lie next to him without the danger of falling off the bed.

Jennifer burrowed in gingerly at his side, in the dark, trying to get as close to him as she could without disturbing the tubes and wires he was attached to. She reached her good right arm lightly across his bare chest and held him, her hand settling near the bottom of his rib cage on the other side. Trying to ignore the feeling of how still he was beneath her hold, she closed her eyes and pictured him as he had been just the previous night when they'd fallen asleep together in their own bed with not a worry in the world.

Jennifer stayed there all night long.

Outside in the hallway Janine watched through the window as her daughter's life crumbled before her very eyes.

All the kings and queens in the bible

They could not turn back time

So what chance have I, of a miracle

In this life of mine?

I only want one day

To unsay the things I said

Undo the thing I did

Twenty-four little hours

Oh God, please wipe them all away

And I promise I will change

If I could start today again

Please give me back today

And I won't say the things I said

Or do that thing I did

Every minute, every hour

The replay's just the same

And I can't stand the shame

Oh let me start today again

I only want one day

One lousy day, that's all

Of every day that's been before

Since time began

I know my prayer's in vain

But for a second I'll pretend

That I could start today again


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 Fallout

Janine and the hospital staff had managed to coax Jennifer from Nick's bed, but they hadn't been able to pull her from the room. She sat in the chair beside his bed and held not only his hand, but had a grasp on his entire forearm, trying to hug it to her as much as possible. She looked only at him, disregarding the machines and anyone else who came in the room. When Janine tried to offer her some food it was like she was invisible, and she had ended up having to leave the food on the bedside table in the hope her daughter would consume it when she felt ready to.

Janine similarly didn't move from her place outside the room. She sat outside it for more than a day, keeping her eye on Jennifer, not really knowing how to help or what to do. Eventually, the wait for news came to an end, and after a torturous hour of trying to convince her daughter that the unimaginable had happened, she held her hand as they exited Nick's room for the final time. She drove her home and made her a meal and watched as Jennifer switched to autopilot – showering, dressing, eating the meal cooked for her obediently. She fed Elise without really even watching what she was doing – luckily the hungry infant knew exactly what to do. To watch it all tore Janine up inside and she felt clueless as to how life would now play out for her daughter and granddaughter. She sat on the couch in the living room long after Jennifer had gone to bed that night and turned it over and over in her mind, trying to comprehend just how things had changed so quickly for the worst, and how Jennifer would survive it.

She thought so hard she gave herself a headache, so reached instead for the remote to see what was on television to relieve her of her thoughts. Though she should've been expecting it, to her horror the late news led with the story of the attack, and a press conference was shown, featuring none other than Jennifer's super intendant, Bernice Waverly.

"This callous act of terrorism has claimed so many innocent victims – members of the public and members of the State Police alike, including that of our treasured friend and colleague, Detective Senior Constable Nick Buchanan, a new father and devoted husband, who initially survived the attack, but later died of his injuries in hospital," Bernice explained sombrely, her voice beginning to break. "Nick leaves behind an infant daughter, and a wife who was also his best friend."

She continued though, defiantly. "Whoever did this will be caught." She spoke through gritted teeth now. "Make no mistake. The State Police is pooling all of its resources into finding these murderers, and we will not rest until they are brought to justice."

Janine watched the screen as Bernice walked away from the microphone, her colleagues shoulder to shoulder with her in a show of solidarity and support. She felt pleased her daughter was a part of such a strong brotherhood – men and women, it didn't matter. She knew they would stick by Jennifer and she knew they would do exactly as Bernice had said, and not rest until they caught the culprits.

She switched the tv off sadly after that, Bernice's words about Nick replaying over and over again in her mind. Eventually she got up off the couch and crept through the dark house towards the room Jennifer had once shared with Nick to check on her sleeping daughter. She lay huddled on Nick's side, her body shaking as she cried silently to herself. Janine knew she wouldn't sleep. Not for a long time. So all she could do was lie down beside her and hold her, and she did it all night, getting up only when Elise cried. Then she would dutifully collect the baby and bring her to her mother, who struggled to even sit upright as she fed her.

When morning broke, Janine was ever so grateful to see Jennifer's eyes had finally closed, and her tears had stopped flowing, at least for now. As the sun rose outside the still house she heard the soft noises of someone walking up the back veranda steps. She knew exactly who it would be, and she smiled and got up off the bed to go and meet them.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 We Look After Our Own

Unsure if she would be ok on her own with baby Elise, the Homicide team organised a rotating roster to relieve Janine and ensure someone was with Jennifer at all times. Grief stricken and barely functioning, Jennifer barely noticed them for the first two days, but they were always there. They stayed in the background – slept on the couch, collected the mail, took out the rubbish, replenished the pantry and fridge, made sure she ate, changed nappies, did loads of washing and generally did all the things Nick had always done. They would shower when Jennifer was asleep, do their paperwork at the kitchen table and take phone calls out on the back steps. But they never left her alone in the house.

Every now and then she would look at them, even break out with a tiny smile from her exhausted face, acknowledging the kindness of her friends, but a moment later she would be back to being vacant and sad, a look of longing in her eyes and devastation in her voice whenever she spoke – which wasn't much. They would sometimes hear her speak quietly to Elise when she thought she was alone, but to others she was a woman of few words. It was like she was a different person.

She found solace only in her journal, where she could write down everything she was feeling that was too painful to explain out loud to anyone. It seemed easier to write – especially because nobody but her ever read it back.

_December 14, 2012_

_It doesn't feel like you're gone. I can almost forget it's even happened because everywhere I turn I can see you or smell you or feel you. I can smell you on your pillow and see you in your clothes hanging in the closet. It's like you're just still at work, and haven't come home yet. _

_But then I see my wrist and how it's all bandaged up and it reminds me. It all comes racing back into my head – how I got this injury, when it happened, who was there, what I lost that day._

_Everything is just so different without you here. I don't like it._

See the storm set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I wait for you

Slight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait

Without you

With or without you

With or without you

Matt knew he should've been in bed long ago, but as it had the past few nights, his worry for Jennifer kept him awake. But he decided he really ought to try to sleep – he didn't have anything else to do anyway – so he tiredly squeezed some toothpaste onto his brush and started his nightly routine. As he brushed he looked down at the vanity and noticed Nick's toothbrush sitting in the holder. His brush was blue and Jennifer's was red – it was like it should be. He knew it would take a long time for Jennifer to get rid of Nick's things. It had taken him a long time to move anything his mother had ever touched, let alone used. He understood Jennifer's reluctance. There hadn't even been a funeral yet.

As he swirled some water around in his mouth and spat it into the sink he felt her presence behind him. He turned around and looked at her, and then they both looked back at Nick's toothbrush.

"I just can't get rid of it," she said quietly. "I just can't. Not yet." She stood uselessly, unable to take her eyes off it.

Matt moved towards her and gave her arm a friendly stroke. "It's ok Jen," he replied soothingly. "You don't have to. Hold onto it forever if you want to." He shrugged and smiled sadly at her before pulling her into a loose hug as a silent tear slipped down her face. Finally someone understood a little of how she felt, she thought as she cried into his shoulder.

Allie had put off going to see Jennifer for days. She told everyone it was because she didn't feel up to it, even though her injuries were only superficial – a long cut down her left cheek that would leave a scar she would notice every single time she looked in a mirror, a few broken fingers and bruises and grazes scattered all over her body. She was swollen and sore, but it was nothing too terrible. Nobody questioned this when she said it. They knew what she had been through. But truly, it was because she didn't want to face Jennifer. Not yet. It was hard enough reliving those moments every time she closed her eyes, and even sometimes when she didn't, let alone having to relive them as she explained them to Nick's wife.

But by Friday she knew she couldn't put it off any longer. She knew the rest of the crew had been at the house since right after the attack, rostering themselves shifts where they kept an eye on Jennifer. But Allie hadn't been apart of the team effort until now. She knew it was time she pulled her weight.

She drove herself to Nick and Jen's beautiful home – their dream home. Getting out of her car after she parked it in the driveway behind Matt's, she tried not to notice the pretty border of petunias that lined the front walk, or the welcome mat at the front door. It just seemed too sad.

When the front door was answered, she stepped inside reluctantly, trying desperately to pump herself up and make herself face up to the challenge. She hugged Matt heartily. She was unaware of it right then, but it was the way the whole Homicide team had come to greet each other, even the blokes. They were all still trying to get over the shock of what had happened, and walking into a room with a coffee in their hand and a smile on their face in greeting just seemed so wrong, so inappropriate. Like something they did in a past life.

Matt led Allie to the kitchen, intending to make her a cup of coffee. Allie was disturbed by how quiet the house was, especially with a baby supposedly living there, and wanted to ask Matt about it, but didn't. Even speaking required just way too much effort these days.

As they entered they found Jennifer standing at the sink finishing a glass of water. Allie had no chance to escape now. She walked over to Jen and hugged her almost nervously. But when Jennifer hugged her right back, Allie forgot her own injuries and insecurities about seeing her colleague. "Whenever you're ready, I'm here ok?" she whispered into the widow's shoulder.

Jennifer nodded in their hold and when they pulled apart smiled sadly at Allie.

The young detective wondered if Jennifer would ever be ready. Would she ever want to hear what happened during Nick's final moments, or would Allie be forced to keep it all inside forever? She didn't know if she could handle that.

Later, when Matt and Allie were alone out on the back deck, nursing cups of coffee they didn't feel like drinking in the sticky afternoon heat, Allie finally voiced one of her fears. She turned to her sergeant and posed her question to him.

"You don't think she has post traumatic stress or post natal depression or anything do you?" Allie asked quietly.

Matt looked at her for a moment, a mixture of heartbreak, surprise and inner knowing showing on his face all at once. But he shrugged his shoulders sadly at her in reply as he ran a hand roughly over his forehead, then rubbed at his eyes tiredly. "She'd be a prime candidate, that's for sure," he admitted to her quietly. "But I know Jen, and she's pretty solid. I know she's been through a lot but I don't think she's about to have a breakdown. And we know her best…we just need to be there for her, all the time, and keep a close eye on her."

Allie nodded at his instructions, knowing he was right, and feeling ashamed that she had questioned Jen's strength.

_December 16, 2012_

_I feel so many things. _

_Guilt._

_Sadness._

_Anger._

_Loneliness._

_Obligation._

_How could you have left me? My knight in shining armour, just gone. How could you have left US? Your daughter needs you. The way she was awake the entire time at your funeral yesterday made me realise how even though she's still only a few months old, she knew what was going on. She misses you. I just can't get her to go to sleep sometimes. And sometimes she just won't stop crying. It's all so hard without you here. _

_I can't sleep either. It still just feels like you're just at work, and you'll be walking through the back door again soon. Even having a funeral for you didn't make me feel like you were really gone._

_Please come home. I miss you so terribly._

At midnight, Bernice arrived to relieve Matt and Allie. "She's probably still awake," Matt explained to the super intendant when he met her at the back door. "She's not been getting much sleep lately."

Bernice nodded in sad understanding and saw them out to their cars and watched them back out of the driveway wearily, the stress of the last week still so evident on their faces. When she returned to the house, she walked quietly towards the bedroom in search of Jennifer, but upon reaching the door was met with an empty room, so she turned on her heel and walked towards Elise's room.

There, slumped in the rocking chair, were two exhausted sleeping beauties. Bernice approached and lifted Elise from her mother's arms, rubbed circles on her back and softly jiggled her up and down against her shoulder as she walked silently around the room. When she finally heard a few tiny burps, she placed her in her bassinet and tucked the covers around her tightly before turning back to Jen.

Bernice's heart broke at the sight of her young charge, so obviously distraught and fatigued that she'd fallen asleep whilst breastfeeding. She draped a blanket over her as she breathed in and out slowly in much needed slumber, and then exited the room.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 Bad Things Happen To Good People

The Homicide crew were united in their grief over Nick's death. Although not in the same league as what Jen was feeling, the loss of their friend and colleague still cut deep. No one had told them when they should return to work, so they didn't, and they rarely spent time apart, preferring to always be together, usually at Jen and Nick's place, sitting in the deckchairs on the back veranda. They would sprawl out, uncaring of their appearance, and just spend the time together, trying to help each other through.

But one night, a few days after Nick's funeral, Rhys found himself alone with Jen in her house. She was in her bedroom, out of sight. He didn't want to approach her. He felt so disconnected from the whole situation, and so tremendously guilty, and he didn't know what he would say if he was forced to speak to her.

Because he had been on a rostered day off that day. He knew he was the luckiest man alive because of that simple stroke of rostered luck. So while he had been enjoying a quiet drink and a casual lunch with some old uni friends, his colleagues had been the targets of a terrorist, and one of them had died, leaving behind a gaping hole in the life of his family. This thought alone wracked Rhys with guilt so badly that his whole body shook, because he knew how unfair it was that he, a single, spoilt, childless man, had been spared his life when Nick, a brilliant cop, a loving husband, a doting Dad, had not. Rhys knew it shouldn't have happened this way.

He had been spending as much time at the Buchanan house as everyone else, remaining with his team, supporting them, but he still felt terrible, and certainly hadn't said much more than three words to Jen since it'd all happened. What could he possibly say?

But then on that Wednesday night, as he sat on the couch not really paying attention to the quiet television that was on in the corner, he was forced into action when Jennifer walked right up to his shoulder and spoke.

It was 2am. And she had Elise's baby capsule in her hand, and Elise was sound asleep inside it. Rhys almost levitated off the couch.

"I'm going to Allie's," Jen said in a monotone. "I'll be back later."

Rhys jumped up to stand facing her. "Jen, it's two in the morning."

"I know," she replied, gathering the capsule's handles in both hands, along with her car keys. "But I have to go."

"Jen," Rhys tried to insist. "It's the middle of the night."

"I don't care."

Rhys was stumped and didn't know what to do, trying several times to speak, but being unsuccessful each time. He watched her walk towards the back door.

"Wait!" he called out to her. He jogged up to her and took the capsule from her grip. "Please. At least let me drive you Jen." It wouldn't ease his guilt, but at least he would be doing something useful. And he knew Matt would kill him if he found out he'd let Jennifer go somewhere alone.

"Okay."

When they got to Allie's flat it was just before three. Rhys pulled up and turned around to face Jen in the backseat. "I'll be just out here whenever you're ready to go home ok?"

"Okay."

She got out of the car and lugged her handbag and Elise up the laneway that led to Allie's front door.

Allie answered straight away. Like Jen, she hadn't been sleeping much lately either. She stepped aside and let Jennifer in. "I was wondering when you'd come," she said quietly, taking Elise from her to help her inside. The usual made of stone Allie Kingston faltered when she looked down at the sleeping baby, her heart torn at the thought of this beautiful innocent little girl who was the spitting image of Nick, growing up without him.

"I wasn't ready until now," Jen replied. Her features curled up as she began to sob right in front of Allie in the semi darkness. Allie held the baby capsule in her right hand and used her left to put a comforting arm around Jen's shoulders as she led her into the living room and sat her down on the small lounge there.

But it wasn't enough. Allie needed to hug her, and they cried together for a while, Allie as upset about Nick's death as if he had been her own husband.

When they had had a good cry, they began.

Jennifer had thought a lot about it the last few days, and was under no illusions. She knew the injuries caused by the building collapsing around him would've been so disfiguring and concealing that even if she had passed Nick in the rush to evacuate she probably wouldn't have recognised him or been able to help him. She knew this whole heartedly, but posed the question to Allie anyway, feeling guilty that she might've run right past him, and not stopped to help. Not stopping to save his life. Not being there when he needed her the most.

But Allie took Jen's hand and held it and assured her otherwise. "He was still the same Nick," she said smiling a little, remembering him. She went on, becoming quieter, as she recounted the horrible day for the person who wanted to hear it the most. "I held his hand and kept rubbing his shoulder," she explained slowly. "I tried to make it out like everything was ok, that we'd be out of there soon, that someone would come and rescue us soon."

She squeezed Jen's hand, tears welling again in her eyes. "To his credit, he played along," she said, her voice wobbling uncharacteristically. The strength he had shown that day was something she would never forget. She admired him in death even more than she had ever admired him when he was alive.

She breathed out and tried to laugh. "Much more so than I did, so I tried my best to keep it up because I knew it was what he wanted."

Jennifer felt unparalleled relief at finally knowing for sure that Nick had remained the strong soldier he always was throughout the whole nightmare. She nodded at her colleague and asked more questions.

"Did he talk about me?" Her heart wouldn't beat a single beat until she heard Allie's answer. She wasn't sure which answer would be more comforting: that he spoke of her to others, not hesitating to let the world know how much he loved her, or that he didn't speak of her, preferring instead to keep his thoughts and emotions to himself, as he always did, so true to his character, and keep their private life private, the way they preferred it.

"A little," Allie replied. She could see the desperation in Jennifer's eyes, just dying to know what had happened to Nick in his final moments. Allie shook her head sadly as she explained, and her eyes fell downcast. "But he slipped in and out and I talked about anything and everything to keep him awake."

"But when he _was _awake?" she insisted, leaning forward.

"He seemed distracted, like he couldn't decide whether to tell me about you and him or not." It only occurred to Allie as she spoke that Nick was probably so distracted because his thoughts were on Elise too. He was probably trying to go over and over in his mind as much as possible how she looked, how she sounded, how she felt, how she made his life with Jen so complete, just in case he never got to see her again. Again, she was overcome with admiration for Nick – to not have panicked, to not have totally lost it, to not have crumbled and cried and wailed about maybe never seeing his wife and daughter again – it took a stronger person than she to do that. And Nick had managed it. Allie wanted to scream out in rage and despair at the thought – why had it happened to this undeserving man and not to someone else? _Because bad things happen to good people_, Allie thought bitterly to herself. _And it's bullshit_.

Allie so wanted to tell Jennifer everything she wanted to hear about Nick, but it would've been a lie if she had, and Jennifer deserved to know the truth, even if it hurt her more. It was the only way Allie could live with herself. And she knew, one day, Jennifer would thank her.

Jennifer nodded, taking all the information in. "I'd even got to the point of imagining us in five…ten years you know?" she confessed.

Allie nodded knowingly. Every relationship, married or not, got to the point where you pictured your relationship a decade into the future, the children you would have with this man, the white picket fences, the school runs, the Christmases and birthdays. No woman could say they didn't want that – least of all a woman in the force. Having to sacrifice so much just for the job made them in fact want the fairytale all the more, Allie thought. Perhaps because some days it just seemed so truly unattainable. Allie had imagined it too, someday, with some special guy, perhaps Rhys, perhaps not. But she definitely wanted it, and she knew Jen did too. And the worst part was, Jen was already half way there, with a ring on her finger and a baby in her arms.

Allie put an arm around Jen's shoulder and gave her a sad smile. "To have got to that point and then have it taken away is just awful Jen," she whispered. "I'm so sorry…" she stuttered. "I don't know what to say."

Jennifer nodded as her composure broke again in front of Allie. "I just wanted a normal life with him," she sobbed. "I just wanted to really settle down and have a normal life. Live in our house and have our children and grow old with him. Just have a _life_," she insisted.

Over the next few hours so much came out of Jen's mouth and Allie listened so supportively and so attentively to every word of it that it caused something to change between the co-workers that night. They became friends, having begun to share their deepest, darkest secrets and weaknesses with each other. It had created an instant bond.

When at 5:30am on the dot Elise began to squeal from inside her capsule, both Jen and Allie looked down at the crying baby. "Every morning, five thirty," Jennifer said quietly, almost to herself. She picked up her daughter and settled her in the crook of her elbow. She looked up at Allie, the hint of a tear still in her eye. "She gets that from Nick. He was always on time. And I am always late."

Allie nodded sadly, taking in the intimate tidbit. She began to rise off the couch. "Sorry, I'll leave you alone."

Jennifer shook her head. "It's ok," she replied. "You don't have to."

She sat back down, feeling awkward and invasive of Jen and Elise's space.

"I've just lost my husband," Jennifer explained quietly. "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life now. Please stay."

Allie nodded, obliging. She watched Jennifer silently as she fed the hungry infant.

"At least you have Elise." The words fell out of her mouth unexpectedly.

Jennifer nodded. "I guess." She missed Nick so much that the fact she'd managed to have a child with him before he'd died didn't seem like much of a consolation. It was now a battle she'd have to face alone, instead of hand in hand with him like they'd planned.

"I don't have anybody," Allie whispered.

The gravity of what she had just been through, and what she was now left to grapple with, had just hit Allie Kingston.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 Preserving the Memories

_December 20, 2012_

_Allie told me what happened. What you said. How you were. I wanted to know, but it was still the hardest thing I've ever had to hear. And I get the feeling she still didn't tell me everything, but perhaps it's better that way._

_Anyway. I don't know what to do now. Where to turn. What do I do with a life that was supposed to be shared with you, but now can't be? _

_I just want you to be back here beside me so badly. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want to be a single parent. I can't do that. I don't want Police Legacy to be dropping by with dinners once a week, or your parents crying whenever they see me or Elise. I don't want to imagine Homicide without your presence, or our daughter growing up without the love of her devoted Dad. I know she was everything to you…I wanted you to have that, and for her to have that, for more than just a couple of months. But that was all the three of us had together. And now it's just the two of us. I hate it. It's not right. It's not the life I'd planned. Without you nothing seems to be the right decision._

Jennifer forced a smile at Matt as he placed a plate in front of her at the table. In his usual bumbling, funny way, the friendly giant that was Matt Ryan sat down opposite her and quietly began to tuck into his risotto. His mouth full, he looked up and watched Jennifer pick soullessly at the meal. She wasn't the slightest bit interested in it.

"Jen, I've been thinking."

"Yeah?" she replied, her tone dull and low.

"Would you like to move in with me for a while? Or with your Mum?" He winced inwardly, preparing himself for her answer.

"What?"

"Just for a bit. A couple of weeks even. Just til Christmas is over, and til you're…" he stopped, just catching himself before he'd blurted out something that would've offended her. _Til you're back on your feet. She will never be back on her feet you dickhead! Her husband has just died. Jesus, Mum's been dead more than twenty years and you're still not 'back on your feet'. _

"No."

"Are you sure?" he pressed.

"Yes," she insisted quietly but strongly. "The simple fact of the matter is…is that Nick and I bought this house with the intention of raising our children in it. And that is exactly what I am going to do." Her voice was hushed and struggling for control. "I don't want to do it alone, without Nick, but I have to now."

Matt couldn't compete with an answer like that, so he dropped it, and they went back to their dinners.

On his way home that night, Matt called in to Stanley's place. He explained the dinner time conversation he'd had with Jennifer, and Stanley, a man of so much life experience and knowledge, nodded knowingly. "What he did for her…" he said in confidence to Matt, his face grim and still grieving. "What he did for her was the stuff of legends. They were always meant to be together. I'm not surprised at all that she refused to move out."

_December 21, 2012_

_Matt asked me if I wanted to move in with him last night. Just for a while he said. But I don't want to leave this house. This is our house. And while it feels bone achingly cold and empty and lonely here now without you, at least if I still sleep in our bedroom and shower in our bathroom and cook in our kitchen and walk through our front door everyday, I can still at least pretend life is like it was when you were alive. _

_Sometimes I'll sit really still in the nursery, or at the kitchen table, and think that I can feel your presence around me, somewhere. In the next room, by the door, even sometimes as close as at my shoulder. But I only feel it if I stay still enough. I know if I turn around, or try to move closer, the feeling will be gone. _


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 What Could Have Been

Jennifer sat beside Nick on the back veranda, his hand holding hers firmly, their fingers laced together and resting on top of her skirt covered thigh. She smiled at him blissfully, the sun making her squint. But she could see him perfectly, even with the glare. In fact she could see only him. Everything else around her she could feel, and hear, even smell, but Nick was the only thing she could see.

He looked as blissfully happy as she felt. As she stared at him she noticed that the years had aged him, but in a good way. He was even more rugged and handsome now, if that were even possible. The lines on his face were softer, and the policeman's frown gone. He wore patterned boardshorts and a blue singlet that showed off his physique nicely and he permanently wore a smile. There was a lightness about him that was contagious. He looked out beyond them and the smile only broadened, so much so that she looked out too, and found herself smiling in exactly the same way. She could feel the happiness in her bones. The satisfaction. The safety and the knowledge that life was perfect.

He turned back to her and dropped her hand as he stood up. Then, cupping her face with both his hands, he drew her in for a kiss that was so intoxicating it was lucky she was sitting down otherwise her knees might just have given way.

And then he disappeared from her sight. But she could still hear him, and feel him, close by. His laughter rang out, and carried to infiltrate all the space around her. Then it began to mix with the sound of little giggles. Squeals and squawks of delight borne from energetic games of tug of war and chasey. Of wrestling and tickling. She could hear at least three separate laughs in front of her, even if she couldn't see who was making the sounds.

But it was okay. She felt reassured by the fact the sounds were so close. She didn't need to see them. She knew Nick was there, and the laughter was that of their children. She could feel the joy in the atmosphere around her and smell the grass and dirt that stained her children's knees and feet. She could feel their gasps for giddy air as they laughed hysterically with their father as he tackled them, and she could sense the fantastic future they all had ahead of them. As she looked down at her hands on her own swollen belly, she smiled to herself yet again. What they'd wanted was happening – everything they'd dreamed together.

Now I'm gonna speak out loud

Because it makes me feel so proud

That we're standing the test of time

You're thirty nine

You're beautiful

And you're mine

Jennifer woke up with a start and her eyes searched the room for a moment as she lay motionless in amongst the sheets. She slid her hand across the mattress at her side and felt the empty space beside her. There was no one holding her hand. She wiggled her toes and then her feet, but there was no timber panelling of a back veranda beneath her soles. She breathed in deeply through her nose – nope, no smell of lovely cut grass or fresh dirt. Finally, she moved her hand to her stomach but felt nothing there except soft stretched skin and baby weight padded hip bones. There was no nine month bulge. No life growing inside her. She flung her hand away in horror and devastation. A moment ago in her dream it had felt so real. And now, nothing. Just reality. Nothing but cold hard reality.

And a screaming baby. Jennifer threw off the sheet and got out of bed, making her way towards Elise's cries slowly. _What a cruel way to wake up _she thought. _It would've been nice to revel in such an incredible dream for a least a few hazy minutes_.

She leant over the cot and began soothing her little girl, holding her in her arms and rocking her backwards and forwards as she lightly padded around the room, allowing morning into their day. Elise, instantly calmer in her mother's arms, quietened quickly and settled into her morning feed immediately upon Jennifer being seated in the rocking chair. The ease with which this morning ritual always happened pacified them both infinitely and both enjoyed the quiet time together. For Jennifer, it made waking from her dream not so starkly harsh.

Suddenly Allie walked past the door to the nursery, and then did a double take and stepped back, poking her head inside. "Oh Jen," she greeted her quietly. "I didn't even hear you."

Jennifer had somewhat gotten used to her colleagues constantly being in her home. It was clear her mother, or perhaps Matt, had made a copy of her backdoor key for everyone in Homicide, so they could come and go as they pleased. She never felt them intrusive, but there were times when she wished to be alone. Still, when the rare occasions popped up when she did want to talk, there was always someone there to talk with, and she appreciated that. And at five thirty in the morning, who else would it be but Allie?

"Good morning," Jennifer murmured quietly, only slightly raising her eye level from Elise and up to the detective.

Allie smiled at the two, running a hand through her loose hair as she entered the room. She sat down just a metre or two away from the rocking chair, on a big wooden blanket box that had once belonged to Janine, but which now contained the billions of quilts and cot bumpers and play mats the grandmother had made her granddaughter. She ran her hands through her hair like a brush, separating the knotted strands with her fingers.

"How'd you sleep?" she asked Jennifer quietly.

Jennifer caressed the soft dark hair on Elise's head – another inheritance from Nick – as she answered. "Good," she replied, nodding and not looking at Allie.

"Good," Allie completed the exchange back.

They sat there for several more minutes before either spoke again.

"I dreamt about Nick."

Allie looked up at Jen and this time Jen looked up too, and their gazes locked like bullhorns together. "Really?" Allie whispered, slightly shocked.

Jennifer nodded and looked again back down at Elise. "It was wonderful Allie," she whispered breathlessly. "I felt so good. Nick was happy, I was happy, we had the whole family we'd always wanted. He looked so blissful. I was pregnant again, our children were happy and healthy, and it just…oh Allie. It just felt like we didn't have a worry in the world." Her eyes glistened with a few understandable tears. "It was everything I wanted."

A sad frown crippled Allie's entire face as she tried to imagine the pain of being part of such a dream, and then waking up to realise it had in fact been just that, a dream.

Jennifer got up suddenly before Allie could say anything and placed Elise back in her bassinet. Allie watched her lean on the railing after she had placed the baby down, trying to regain her composure.

She couldn't.

"Oh Jen," Allie whispered sympathetically as she got up.

Jen turned around as Allie stepped up to be behind her at the cot. "We did want more children," she revealed. "When Elise was born, Nick was just so…in love, and so was I," she explained, shrugging her shoulders at Allie hopelessly.

Allie nodded, reaching out to rub her arm in a pitiful attempt at trying to make her feel better. She noticed her wedding rings as she did so and thought of how they were such a symbol now. She knew Jen would never take them off.

"She was only a week old when Nick sat right there –" she looked over at the rocking chair she had just gotten up from. Allie turned to look at it too. "And held her in his arms and told me he wanted to have more."

That was it. That was when she dissolved into the floods of tears she had been holding back since waking from her dream. Allie wrapped her arms around her colleague and just held her as she cried. "And now I can't. She will never have her Dad. She will never have any brothers or sisters. It's so unfair." She sobbed, sad to the deepest thread of her soul.

_December 24, 2012_

_You have been gone for only twelve days now. I have lost all concept of time, and so only know how long it has been because I overheard Bernice saying it to someone on the phone this morning. _

_Twelve days. How has it already been that long? When we got married I remember you promising me that we'd spend every single day together, forevermore. I promised you that too. But now the first twelve days without you have passed so quickly, yet so slowly at the same time and I just don't know what to do._

_And tomorrow it is Christmas, and I can't help thinking back to last Christmas, and how wonderful it was, not to mention what we did on Christmas Eve and what we created that night! It makes me smile at the memory. But back then I never thought that by the next Christmas you wouldn't be here with us. The thought never even crossed my mind because it was too full of imaginings of the three of us spending our first Christmas together as a family, and putting into practice everything we'd discussed about Christmas traditions for our children. Don't worry, I am still going to begin those traditions tomorrow, but it will be hard. It won't feel right not having you here._

It's Christmas day and Jesus I pray

I can find him and bring him back home

And he hears from you that he knows the truth

I love him I love him I love him

I want a new day

Oh let it start again

Give me a new day

Oh let it start again

While all the world, she celebrates

I sit here waiting, waiting for a sign, for a sign

A star will do

Or anything

That points to where you're wondering

Jennifer spent most of Christmas Day alone with just her mother and daughter. They shared a quiet Christmas lunch, but didn't exchange much in the way of gifts. Jennifer appreciated the way her friends had rallied around the day before and erected a Christmas tree in her living room, but other than that she felt less than festive. She could also tell Janine was dying to have a heart to heart with her, but she held herself back, knowing Jennifer wouldn't want to discuss much of anything on that day of all days. Everything was still so raw, and a long way from being okay.

The entire team dropped by in dribs and drabs from the afternoon onwards, continuing their duty to look out for her. They were smartly sensitive and didn't make too big of a deal of it all, but enough that she knew they cared and had noted what day it was she was spending without Nick. They had all learnt a lot about friendships and feelings in the last fortnight, and even though it had been a tough lesson to learn, they knew they were better people for it.

But it still didn't stop any of them carrying their own horrible burdens though.

When Rhys and Bernice bade Jennifer, Janine and Elise farewell about 7pm that night and got into Bernice's car to leave, Bernice made a surprising suggestion. She turned the keys in the ignition, and as she reached for her seatbelt she looked over at her passenger. "How's Kingston going?" she asked.

Rhys pulled his own seatbelt across his body and gave a small shrug of his shoulders. "I haven't actually seen her since Friday."

"I can drop you at her place now if you want," Bernice offered, reversing out of the driveway. Despite her previous run ins with Allie, Bernice was well aware of the ordeal she had been through, and knew that after Jennifer, it was probably Allie who was suffering the most.

Rhys agreed immediately, realising she was right. _I should go and see her…make sure she's doing ok._


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18 Stoicism

Rhys knocked on Allie's front door and waited. She took a long time to answer, and when she finally did, he realised why. Not only was her hair wet, like she'd just stepped out of the shower, but she had the look on her face such a blank, far away look that told him she'd been reliving some not very pretty stuff.

She invited him in, but knew little of what to do after he had entered. She excused herself, promising to only be gone a moment, and had the intention of simply hanging her wet towels back up in the bathroom from where they were currently lying in a heap on her bedroom floor. He smiled and nodded and she walked away from him and back towards her bedroom. But once there in the lonely, dark surrounds of her room, the closed curtains blocking the last of the early evening light from entering, the lights off, the furniture standing around her, frozen in their places she found herself not bending down to pick up the towels from where they were at the foot of her bed, but instead sitting numbly on her bed, just a little bit down from the pillow, and staring ahead of her at nothing.

So encapsulated in the ever present memories of a fortnight ago was she that when Rhys appeared at the door and called her name she jumped.

She shook her head, trying to clear the fog. "Sorry," she apologised. But she made no efforts to get up.

Rhys looked at her for a moment and then entered, taking a place beside her on the bed. He noticed how her porcelain skin glowed in the surroundings they were in, and her brown hair blended into the darkness. He could see her reliving it over and over again, just on her face. It was startlingly obvious.

"It's all right," he reassured her. She looked over at him and surrendered a smile. "You know you can always talk to me right?"

She nodded, licking her lips and exhaling sadly. She was not coping with this as well as she'd wanted to.

Rhys knew she'd need some convincing. "Even right now if you want," he insisted.

"You trying to analyse me again Oxford?" she asked.

Rhys smiled, his childlike face surrendering an encouraging grin. "No," he replied. "But I'm a blank slate. I haven't been through any of what you have. Maybe I'd make a good listener. And you…you can stop being so stoic and stop trying to deal with it all by yourself."

Allie looked at him again, so unsure of what to think.

"I haven't got it that bad," she insisted, not very convincingly. But she flopped back onto the doona anyway, as if admitting defeat without words. "Jen's the one we should all be worrying about." She laced her fingers together, placed them on her stomach and closed her eyes.

Rhys kicked off his shoes and sat further up on the bed, leaning back against the pillows at the headboard and getting comfortable. "And we are," he said softly. "But what about you?"

"I'm all right," she insisted, again, very unconvincingly. She kept her eyes closed as she went on. "I just keep remembering what happened, that's all. I can't ever seem to get it out of my head."

"When you were with Nick?" Rhys asked.

Allie nodded. Both were quiet for a few moments before Allie spoke again, this time her voice even more of a whisper.

"I thought we'd been buried alive," she revealed, her eyes open again now, staring at the ceiling. She turned her head to see Rhys. "I mean, what worse place to be than the basement? It was like a tomb." She shuddered, remembering the claustrophobic feeling. "I was so grateful I wasn't alone down there."

"Were you with Nick the whole time?"

She shook her head. "No. I was probably alone for the first four, five minutes. I kept hearing the explosions around me there were so many. And everytime they felt like they were getting closer to me. It was terrifying. And everything had completely caved in down there. Nothing seemed to be left standing. I was lucky…at the time I'd been standing at a bookshelf and with the first blast it toppled right over on top of me. The point of explosion must've been really close to it, and propelled it forward. But it fell onto a desk, and created this tiny triangle of space beneath it where I was trapped."

Rhys could only imagine.

"My teachers at the academy would've been so proud," she semi joked. "My first thought wasn't 'how do I get out of here?', it was 'who needs help more than me? Who can I help here? She laughed somewhat nervously for a moment but Rhys was deadly serious in his respect for her upon hearing that and wasn't laughing at all. "And when I thought that it made me try to work towards trying to get out from under that bookshelf."

"I heard the blast from across town," Rhys revealed.

"Doesn't surprise me," Allie replied nodding. "It was bloody deafening. I don't think my hearing's been quite the same since."

Rhys wanted to know more. "How did you find Nick?"

"He was in the landing of the stairwell…he must've been about to leave when the first explosion happened," she answered him, remembering then how Jennifer had said they were meeting for lunch. "I just headed that way because there seemed to be no one else I could see nearby that I could help, plus the stairwell was the only way out." Her insides started to backflip as she remembered how it had felt. "I was so happy to have gotten out from under that shelf. But when I got out it was worse. I distinctly remember fire to my right and a wall collapsing right before my eyes to my left." She shuddered, the physical feelings of those terrifying moments coming flooding back to her. Her skin tingled at the memory of her death defying crawl through the molten wreckage. There on the bed she suddenly crossed her arms and reached for both her elbows at the same time, rubbing them with her fingers. "I was crawling on my elbows and my stomach, and I kept having to duck my head to miss pieces of rubble that were falling on me."

"I could barely see anything," she went on. "Because the closer I got to the stairwell the thicker the smoke was. But at least the flames had disappeared…I don't know what happened to them…maybe they were doused with dust or somethin', I dunno. But then the door to the stairwell was all warped and buckled and I had to get onto my back so that I could kick at it to get it open. But then it just fell away, and that's when I saw Nick on the other side of it."

Rhys could say nothing. The story was too compelling.

"I only saw his arm at first…he was under so much wreckage," she explained. She remembered distinctly what made her recognise it as his arm. It was his wedding ring. She had been there the day Jennifer had put it on his finger…she knew it was Nick's. Then she had seen his watch, and his rolled up shirt sleeve. There was no question it was Nick.

"There was just so much _crap_ around," she said in disbelief, still confused as to where it had all come from. "I don't even know what it all was, but I had to climb over so much crap to get to him. And then I finally did and the first thing he does is say my name and then blacks out. I couldn't believe it!"

"I was on my knees next to him there was barely any space," Allie continued. "Most uncomfortable position ever. But I couldn't even see his lower half…in fact anything from his ribcage down really, so I figured I was a lot more comfortable than he was right then. At least I didn't have half a building on my legs." Rhys smiled at the description even though it probably wasn't much of an exaggeration.

"And goddamn it Rhys," she lamented to him. "Everything I'd ever learnt in first aid just went completely out of my head. I didn't have a clue how to help him."

"I'm sure just you being there helped."

Allie shrugged it off. She wasn't so sure. "Maybe." She continued remembering the chain of events. "Anyway, then another blast went off, and I think it woke Nick up again, somehow. Because he came to again, and smiled up at me. I was so relieved."

"_What the hell Allie?" Nick spluttered. "What the hell?" His breathing was raspy and quick and uneven, like his respiratory system was panicking. It didn't surprise Allie, considering the smoke and dust and other shit around. _

_She grabbed his left hand with hers and then not even giving a thought to any possible spinal or neck injuries, slipped her right arm under his head for comfort, bringing her right hand to a rest on his broad shoulder. "You're right Nick, you're right." As she said it she remembered when she'd said exactly the same thing in the past, when she had pulled Nick off Abbott at Docklands Stadium all those months ago. "You're right." She smiled a little smile down at him, hoping it looked reassuring. She rubbed his right shoulder encouragingly and tried to make an assessment of their situation._

"We were there for bloody ages," she explained quietly. "I thought we were never going to get out…like they'd found everyone they could and had all packed up and gone home. And I thought, 'no no, you can't leave us here. We're still alive…Nick has a family'. It felt like they were never going to come."

Allie rolled over onto her side on the bedspread and pushed her cheek into the patterned fabric, closing her eyes squeezing them shut with all her might, reliving the pain of her memories. It was hard to put them into words and vocalise them, even to someone as patient and willing to listen as Rhys.

"The longer we were trapped down there the more desperate I got," she admitted.

"_You know you're making me miss my afternoon run right now don't you?" Allie asked Nick, smiling down at him, trying to portray a positive, normal façade. She knew she had to keep his spirits up, even though Nick Buchanan would never be dumb enough to fall for such a ploy. No, he would be the opposite, she knew, and play along with her, pretending everything was ok as well, and that nothing hurt, and that he wasn't worried._

_He breathed out a laugh, uneven and completely unconvincing, but a laugh all the same. He attempted to sit up a bit more and pushed against Allie's hold, but had little success. He set his jaw and gritted his teeth and tried again._

"_Nick," Allie insisted, tightening her arm around his shoulders. "Don't try to move…just, take it easy." She nodded down at him in the darkness. "We'll be out soon, just let them get to us." She was spinning a line she was not even convinced of herself, but she felt she had to say something._

_He nodded in acceptance of her instructions and slumped back against her again, coughing and grunting at the effort. His eyes fell downcast again as he became lost in too many thoughts. Allie could only watch._

"_Nick, Nick," she chirped. "C'mon Nick, it won't be long. Don't worry. Jen will be waiting to see you, Elise too." She agonised immediately if that was the right thing to say would it spur Nick on, or depress him? _

_He remained quiet, and this only made Allie agonise further. But as the hours slipped by, and they both became more uncomfortable in the tiny confines they were trapped in, cracks in their armours began to appear. It couldn't be avoided._

"_I'm glad I'm not alone down here," Allie smiled at Nick randomly, heaving a sigh as she did so._

"_What?" he couldn't even look up at her._

"_You and me," she repeated. "I'm glad we're down here together." She looked around her at the debris and frightening dark shapes of broken furniture and walls. _

_Nick didn't respond for several seconds when his inner thoughts became public knowledge. "I hope Jen's not alone," he whispered, his voice coarse and scared._

"_I'm sure she's not Nick," Allie reassured him._

"_I wish I'd met Jen sooner…" he whispered into their dark surroundings. "…married her sooner."_

_Now it's too late, Allie thought. She didn't dare say such a thing out loud, even though she knew it didn't matter whether she said it out loud of not. Nick would definitely be thinking it too._

"_Don't think about that Nick," Allie instructed. "We shouldn't live with regrets." She found it ironic she was speaking to him like she was some professional on the subject, when really she was the worst person in the world when it came to regrets. She had a truckload._

_Again he took several seconds to answer her, like he was only half there mentally. "I'm always going to regret that…"_

"_Nick…"_

"_No. I am." Thoughts raced through his head as he remembered how it felt the first time he'd kissed Jen, the first time he'd taken her out, the first time they'd slept together, the moment he'd proposed, the moment he'd lifted her veil and kissed her as his wife, the long hours in which he'd held her hand and coached her through a long and painful labour, the first time he'd held his daughter in his arms. _

_Allie squeezed his hand tighter, but couldn't think of a single thing to say. _

_He turned as best he could away from her, to hide his devastated face, even though she probably couldn't see him in the dark anyway. "If I get out of here"_

"_You're going to get out of here Nick." She could only just make out his face but there was no mistaking that his chin was quivering ever so slightly._

"_-I'm never spending a single moment away from them again. Not a single moment. I'll give up the force. I'll give up everything…"_

"Do you think he knew?" Rhys asked, sounding bewildered.

"I reckon he probably did," Allie admitted. "What an awful thing to have to accept hey?"

Rhys nodded solemnly in one hundred per cent agreeance.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 Dreams

Dreams

That's where I have to go

To see your beautiful face anymore

Jennifer woke herself up with a coughing fit. She heaved her upper body forward, propelling it off the pillows in one swift motion in an effort to get more air. She coughed continuously for several minutes, struggling to get her breath, and unable to clear what felt like thousands of sticky little fibres clinging to her throat. Like those fluffy off white flowers that she used to pick as a kid and with one quick blow would send the fluffy petals flying off into the wind in an unrestrained spiral.

She put a hand to her mouth and willed herself to stop. Eventually it worked, and red faced and breathing hard, she lay back down against the pillows and allowed herself to remember the dream that had been interrupted by her coughing. Every night was different –but the dreams were always some random happy snapshot of her life. Or rather, the life she wanted and wished she could still have. And she dreamt them every night. It was unrelenting, and in a way she wished they'd stop. They made her unwilling to close her eyes at night. Not because they were painful or upsetting rather they were quite the opposite, always heart warming and pleasant and peaceful, visions of how life would've been had Nick not been at work that day hell, maybe if he just hadn't been down in the basement, his life might've been spared? But they were unrelenting dreams nonetheless.

She shuffled against the pillows and thought of how pleasant this dream had been.

"Olivia," she muttered to herself. _What a beautiful name. Nick would've picked that. _

The dream made so much sense. She could really envision them with two daughters…maybe even a son too. Two beautiful heartbreakers just like their father with his brown hair and her childlike facial features. And a little bloke that would idolise him in every way who would stare up at his Dad and be all blonde hair and freckles, just like his Mum was when she was young. Yes, it all made so much sense. It felt so real.

Like it was still supposed to happen.

_Jennifer sat cross legged on the living room floor and wrestled with the wrapping paper and sticky tape, a jumble of unwrapped toys still scattered around her. Opposite her sat Nick, his head bent low as he worked at peeling the price tag off the bottom of a box that held a brightly dressed Barbie. As he got it off he passed it over to Jennifer, flashed her a grin and rose from his position on the carpet._

"_The kids are going to be out of control tomorrow when they see all this," he remarked as he walked into the kitchen area behind them._

_Jennifer nodded, but found herself smiling. The financial strain of providing Christmas for three kids on pretty much only one salary paired with the persistent hyper activity of the Christmas season in their household had been quite the tussle, to say the least, but still, at the end of the day she couldn't wait to see their faces on Christmas morning, and watch them so happy all day long with their new presents. Christmas was a special time for the Buchanan's._

"_Yeah," she replied as Nick re-entered from the kitchen, carrying another pair of scissors. "But I know you love it just as much as they do." She grinned slyly at her husband. She knew him too well._

_He looked at his feet sheepishly, and half smiled. "Yeah…" He sat back down opposite her and she just stopped for a few moments and watched him, appreciating the way the fairy lights on the Christmas tree beside them added even more sparkle to his eyes. _

_Wrapping paper everywhere_

_Stacked up dishes, but who cares?_

_They can wait until tomorrow now_

_It's you and me and this old couch_

_The Christmas tree in our living room_

_Fills the air with pine perfume_

_Coloured lights dancing on the walls_

_Don't you get the sense tonight_

_That for now the world is right?_

_January 22, 2013_

_I have dreamt of you almost every night since you've been gone. At first, you weren't clear. I could hear you and smell you and feel you, but I couldn't see you. Just like in real life I guess. In real life I can still smell your aftershave and feel that threadbare singlet you would wear to bed. I could even hear you in your favourite Chisel song on the radio or in the sound of a ute starting up on the street._

_I suppose the longer you're not here, the less I'll be able to remember how you looked. But in the last few weeks in my dreams you have been getting clearer and clearer. I know it's so that I don't forget you. _

_But I could never forget you anyway._

_Never._


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20 Survivor's Guilt

Allie and Janine had insisted she see a doctor. It was getting worse by the day. Some days she coughed for five minutes straight. It was wearing her out. So she agreed. "And I'll take care of Elise for you. Just go and see the doctor would ya?" Allie had pestered her right up until the moment she stepped out the back door to get in her car.

Allie was still worried about Jennifer, even though she'd quickly come to realise that she herself was having the breakdown she'd imagined Jennifer having. But still, she worried about Jen too. And Elise. She'd become close to the little girl, and actually looked forward to seeing her. It was something about the unbridled beauty of this wide eyed little thing – so unaware of everything she no longer had…but also unaware of everything she did have. It just drew Allie in. She wasn't going back to work anytime soon. She couldn't. She wasn't ready. Something had changed within her. She didn't even run much anymore. Everything had changed. So she instead craved time with this little soul with the soft brown hair and sparkling eyes, and happily offered her baby sitting services to Jennifer so she could get out of the house and see the doctor.

She'd invited Rhys over to share the babysitting duties with her that afternoon, and he'd eagerly accepted. He was closer than her to returning to work, not really being able to use anything as an excuse not to go back. He hadn't been through anything other than losing a colleague – well, at least that's what he told himself.

They wiled away the afternoon on the back veranda, Elise's pram in between their deck chairs, Allie giving it a push backwards and forwards every now and again in the soft sunlight.

Rhys had been eager to spend time with Allie – he straight up missed having her in his life everyday – but had been less eager to spend the afternoon in the former residence of Nick Buchanan. But he'd wanted to see her, so he sucked it up and acted like he was cool with sitting in a chair Nick had purchased, and drinking coffee from a cup Nick had probably drunk out of hundreds of times before. He was cool right up until the moment Elise started crying. He watched Allie pick her up awkwardly out of the pram and settle the distressed baby on her knee, bouncing her up and down.

Her cries soon subsided but Rhys couldn't keep up his act. As Allie placed her back in the pram and set a more intentional pace with her moving of it, Rhys spoke up.

"It should've been me Allie," he said, his voice empty and guilt laden.

She looked over at him, her head snapping over to his direction. "What?"

"It should've been me…I should've been in Nick's place."

It felt good to get his confession off his chest.

"What are you talking about?" she prodded.

Rhys shrugged, thinking it was obvious. "Look at what's been left behind Allie. Look what he had." His tone was insistent as he waved his hands in the air. "Look at this beautiful house and this beautiful little girl and look at Jen. He should still be here enjoying this. He deserved all this. He deserved it far more than I ever will."

She didn't know what to say to that. Did he really feel like that? she thought, her mind blown, her heart going out to him.

He looked sadly out into the distance for a while after he'd spoken, trying to gather himself together. He had survivor's guilt. He knew that. And he knew there was nothing he could do about it. But it didn't stop him from feeling like shit.

"You do deserve it," Allie whispered, reaching over a hand to place on his knee. "I know it's hard. I know we just want the best for Jen, but you still deserve it too. Don't short change yourself."

"I'm not short changing myself," he argued quietly. "You were with Nick that day. You saw everything he had to lose right there on his face."

It was true, she had. Being there in Nick's final hours…it was something that would stay with Allie forever. Nick's rawest emotions had been extracted by those terrorists, and she had been the only one to witness them. She would never forget it. And Rhys was right, Nick had had everything to lose, and unfortunately, he had lost it. It wasn't fair. And both she and Rhys would always feel guilty because they'd been dealt the fairer hand than he had.

She made a confession. "There were things Nick said that I haven't told Jen," she whispered. "I don't think I'll ever tell her. I can't do that to her."

Rhys nodded, understanding.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21 A Backpack Full of Rocks

Jennifer didn't know where to begin to explain her ailment. Luckily, the doctor was kind and patient, and took her vital signs as she waited for Jennifer to speak.

"I lost my husband recently," was all she could think of to say after a good five minutes of silence.

The doctor, a friendly looking red headed woman in her fifties, nodded in sympathy. "I'm sorry to hear that," she replied quietly.

Jennifer could tell she wanted to ask how he had died, but was too polite to do so. So she answered anyway, without the question even being asked. "He died in the attack on the State Police centre." She said it numbly – she could barely feel her mouth moving. It still hurt to admit out loud.

The red headed woman nodded again, her frown increasing upon hearing Jennifer's words. But those words helped the doctor to make her diagnosis immediately. She knew of the attack. Everyone in Australia did. "Were you there that day too?" she asked.

Jennifer nodded.

The doctor moved closer to her to listen to her chest with her stethoscope. When she pulled back a few minutes later and hooked her stethoscope around her neck again she looked Jennifer sadly in the eye and spoke.

"After September 11, almost everybody that was at the site that day was diagnosed with some level of respiratory distress," she explained. "I suspect that is what you have too."

"Are you sure?"

The doctor nodded. "I'm positive. The amount of dust and smoke and ash and fumes you must've breathed in that day would not have done you any favours."

"But I have other colleagues who spent longer inside the building than I did, and they're not coughing like this," Jennifer insisted, frowning.

The doctor nodded again. "It affects everyone in different ways," she explained kindly. "And your records say you just had a baby last year," Jennifer nodded. "So your defences could've been lower. Perhaps your colleagues were able to fight against the dust and smoke more efficiently than you could."

The doctor continued. "You may have respiratory problems for quite some time."

It was going to be a lasting legacy of her running for her life that day. Running unknowingly away from Nick.

When Jennifer returned home a few hours later and took Elise inside, Allie and Rhys remained on the back deck, sitting in silence, lost in their respective thoughts. As Allie wondered if she'd ever be as lucky as Nick and Jen once had been, she turned in her seat to face Rhys again, and made her second confession of the afternoon, this one even more ground breaking than her first.

"I want what Nick and Jen had."

She'd never sounded more serious.

Later, Rhys and Allie returned to her place with take away and talked on her couch for hours. She found their talks comforting, releasing, theraputic. She felt he was the only one she could confide in about her moments trapped with Nick. His sense of separation from that day – because he had not been present – was the sole reason it felt so easy to talk to him about it she guessed.

And as Rhys left that night, he too felt a similar releasing feeling. He felt closer to Allie, closer back to the kind of relationship they'd once had and closer to returning to work in a fit state.

As he walked through his own front door though, one thing she'd said he just couldn't get out of his mind.

_I want what Nick and Jen had._

Since the attack that had destroyed the State Police building, each department had found new, temporary homes whilst brand new ones were being built. Departments were now dotted all over the city – some even in the suburbs and on the city fringes – and Homicide had landed in downtown Prahran. Very few of Homicide's best detectives had returned to work, for various reasons. Some still carried injuries that prevented them from returning, some had decided to retire or hand in their notice, spooked beyond repair about ever working as a copper again. Others were simply not ready to return – like Allie. But Stanley Wolfe had returned within a month of the attack, and while he felt slightly indifferent about working with a bunch of mismatched detectives seconded from all over the force and who had varying levels of experience, or interest, in Homicide, he knew Homicide was where he needed to be. He felt he belonged there, like he needed to lead it again, even though the terrifying nightmare of the attack was still fresh in his mind.

He knew it would take his team much longer to return. He didn't expect them to come back until well after the terrorists had been caught. This had at first puzzled him – he thought they'd all be champing at the bit to catch their friend's killer, unrelenting and driven to the brink – but he had quickly come to realise that not only were they all affected to varying degrees due to their whereabouts that day, they were also united in a feeling bigger than their own. The attack was unlike anything any of them had ever suffered through as members of the State Police. Many didn't know how to handle it, how to accept it, how to live with it. It was so big and so engulfing that they surrendered immediately the responsibility of finding the culprits to others, simply unable to gather within them what they needed to do the job. Living with their injuries, their memories, their grief over Nick's death, their guilt, their feeling of responsibility towards Jen, their sadness, it was too much to deal with already without having to also try to solve his murder and act like the cops they were.

Stanley knew Matt would probably be one of the first to return, then Duncan. Although Matt seemed very concerned for Jennifer's welfare, and that of Elise. Perhaps that would keep him away longer, Stanley thought. Duncan was a puzzle, never easy to solve. Allie had already expressed her desire for lengthy stress leave, and Rhys and Bernice had backed her up on it. Stanley knew Allie Kingston would not return to Homicide the same person she once was.

Bernice and Rhys were just a week away from returning – eager to get back into the swing of things, and in Bernice's case, no longer bloodied and bruised from where she had been pummelled by a shattering staircase and deafened by a close blast.

But for now, Stanley Wolfe's team was separated and scattered, with little hope of it ever joining back together in the same way again, even if they all did return to work.

So when a junior constable knocked on his door one slow Wednesday afternoon and announced that a Mrs Buchanan was waiting to see him in the foyer of their short term facility he didn't quite know what to say. He'd at first heard only the Buchanan part of the constable's sentence and did a mental backflip for a second.

"Buchanan?" he asked, shocked. Was he dreaming?

The constable nodded insistently, frowning at him. "Yes," he replied. "A Mrs Jennifer Buchanan."

Stanley exhaled, relieved he wasn't about to come face to face with Nick's ghost, as ridiculous as such a fear sounded. He didn't even believe in ghosts.

As Stanley took the stairs down to the foyer – he could no longer take a lift, anywhere, unable to shake the feeling that the stairwell was always best, always the path to freedom and safety after that fateful day – he became nervous. It had been at least a fortnight since he had seen Jennifer, and he had few answers to give her regarding the investigation into the bombing – although she never asked anyway. But he felt it his duty to keep her informed.

She smiled up at him from her seat by the door. "Sarge."

"Jennifer. How are you?"

She nodded and didn't look him in the eye. "I'm all right."

Stanley ignored the way she hadn't asked him how he was back. He gestured towards the door. "I didn't expect to see you here –" he stopped, realising the sense of disconnection she probably felt from the new home of Homicide – this was not where Nick had worked, or died, so it probably hurt less than it would if they were near where the terrorists had attacked.

"I wanted to come and speak to you," she interrupted his thoughts, now looking him in the eye, her face serious, her forehead crinkled into a frown.

But he stood up straighter and took charge, directing her out the door and onto the street. "Let's go and have a coffee shall we?"

She nodded and allowed him to escort her to a café just a block down the road.

As they were seated she let out a series of hacking coughs that made Stanley reel back in concern. He signalled the waiter for some water and handed her the glass immediately upon receiving it. "Are you ok?" he asked worriedly.

Jennifer nodded, pushing her fringe back out of her eyes and sitting back up against the wicker seat back. Her eyes were watering a little and her cheeks tinged pink from the effort of her coughing. She took a few moments to regroup, but after that didn't waste any time.

"I want to come back to work Sarge," she stated.

It had only been just over two months since Nick's death. Stanley was stunned and his shock caused him to blatantly ask her why. She had another coughing fit before she could answer, and he sat and watched and waited.

"I just want to," she said plainly. "I need something to do."

"But who will look after Elise? How will you face Nick's co-workers everyday? How will you balance Homicide and being a mother?" he hurled the questions at her. _Don't be stupid Jennifer. It's far too early _was what he wanted to say.

She looked back at him in silence. It was clear she hadn't thought it through, simply grasping instead onto the only thing she knew how to do. But Stanley knew she wasn't ready. He leaned in over the table a bit more and spoke again. "Even your maternity leave isn't over yet Jennifer. Whether this had happened or not, I know you weren't planning on coming back until March, at the earliest."

He was right, of course. _But I don't know what else to do _she wanted to wail. _I really don't. _Everyone knew she needed Nick, especially she and Stanley.

"No," he said firmly. "I'm sorry Jennifer, but no. I won't be recommending you come back. Not yet."

She sighed and again said nothing.

"Apart from the fact that you'd have to go through rigorous counselling before they'd let you come back anyway. There are so many hoops to jump through in a situation like this, before they'd even think about declaring you fit to work again. I'm sorry Jennifer," he apologised. He reached over and patted her hand, feeling his father instinct taking over. "Just be a mother Jennifer. Just enjoy that for now," he instructed her gently. "Enjoy having this time with Elise…I know it's not how you'd planned it being, but just keep plugging away at it. I know if you came back to work now you'd regret it."

"And listen to that cough," he almost admonished her, continuing. "You need to get healthy too, before you think about being a cop again."

She knew he was right but couldn't but help lament the feeling that yet another decision had been made _for_ her, rather than _by_ her.

Just like the death of her husband.

_February 24, 2013_

_The Sarge won't let me come back to work. I have this horrific cough that just won't go away. Mum will barely ever leave me alone. _

_Everything is as bad as it was the day you left. _

_How am I supposed to get through each day like this?_

_It's like an uphill battle and I'm wearing a backpack full of rocks._


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 Moving On

After that day in the café Jennifer actually did begin to heal. It was a long and slow process, but it at least got started. She could never forget Nick, but she did slowly move on, if only by default. She simply had no other choice but to do so. She had a baby that grew bigger by the day, and she had a house and some semblance of a life to take care of. It had to be done. But some days were easier than others.

_April 21, 2013_

_I didn't ever think I'd be a widow and a single mother all before my first wedding anniversary. But Nick, that's what's happening. A small part of me still refuses to believe anything of the last five months has happened. That this whole taking care of our daughter by myself and running our household and sleeping alone in a bed meant for two thing is just temporary._

_But it's not. And god dammit that hurts like you wouldn't believe. _

_I haven't returned to work. I went through a brief, brief period where I thought I should. Stanley shot that down straight away. Now, after some contemplation, and some stern words from Mum, I realise he was right. I need to be here for Elise. She is the person I want to spend the most time with – not junkies and killers and victims._

_I don't know when I will return. It seems the unanswerable question right now…but then I am not very keenly looking for the answer either. I seem content to just let it sit for now._

_Elise is getting so big – you'd love it. She smiles so much more now too. She seems very attached to me, which I at first didn't think unusual until the community nurse commented on it. Now I worry that without you here she __**is**__ becoming too attached to me. Unavoidable I suppose, but now I worry about how to bring her up so that she's not so solely dependent on me. I don't want the fact she doesn't have her Dad around anymore to be detrimental to her development. But it is such a delicate balancing act, and I am struggling with it, I must admit._

_I have photos of you everywhere – for Elise's benefit as well as my own. I still dream about you every night as well. It's torturous to wake up in the morning sometimes and relive what I've just dreamt. Unlike dreams before you died, I can always remember every detail of the ones I have now. It's as torturous as closing my eyes at night, knowing I'll see you in my dreams. I love it and hate it at the same time._

_I can't think too far ahead into the future…I'm just taking it one agonising day at a time. That's all I feel I can manage. I have help of course, from Mum, who will always drop everything if I so ask her to, and from Matt. Even from Allie, who has become a much better friend than she used to be. It's all nice. But they're not you._

_Today has been hard. I tortured myself this morning by looking at our wedding photos. That was a big mistake, yet I felt torn between not looking at them and saving myself the pain and looking at them so that I could relive the beautiful memories of our day exactly one year ago. It feels like just yesterday that you slipped the ring onto my finger and promised me the world. I know you did your best, but I wish you were still here to continue to do that._

_I miss you more than I could ever put into words._

Jennifer rushed through the changing of the nappy, pinning Elise's jumpsuit back together with its little press studs. "Wait Nick," she called out over her shoulder. "Wait a second."

She snapped the last press stud together, picked Elise up and placed her back in her cot. "Waittttt," she called out again, hoping he hadn't already walked out the door.

She jogged out of the room and into the kitchen where she found Nick standing by the back door. He had his car keys in his hand and was shoving his phone into his pocket and he looked up slightly bewildered when she came running. "What's wrong? Did I forget something?" he asked.

Jennifer shook her head and simply stepped up to her husband and embraced him. She squeezed him tight and a heartbeat later felt his arms wrap around her too. She closed her eyes and savoured the scent of him as her cheek grazed his chest and the crisp shirt he was wearing. She felt like she never wanted to let go and hugged him like it was the last time she'd ever get to do it.

"What's this for Jen?" he whispered over her head. She could hear the smile in his voice.

She shook her head slightly against him and mumbled her response. "No reason." _Just not missing an opportunity to hug you_ she thought inside.

Nick chuckled and let go of her, grabbing his sunglasses off the bench top beside them. "You make me laugh Jen," he smiled. "I love you."

He opened the back door and stepped out onto the veranda. "See you later."

Again Jennifer was catapulted out of her dream by a coughing fit that didn't let up for ten minutes. She coughed and spluttered and gasped for air, feeling her throat become raw. But even with her choking she knew why in her dream she'd wanted to hug Nick so tightly. It was because she knew what was to come in real life…and he'd laughed it off because he didn't.

Never let me go, never let me go

Never let me go, never let me go

And it's over

And I'm going under

But I'm not giving up

I'm just giving in

As Rhys waited for Allie at the entrance to the hotel he was suddenly struck by the time of day.

"Hi," she interrupted his barely begun thoughts.

"Hi," he replied, giving her a grin before spinning on his heel and heading inside to find a table near the bar. As she followed him he spoke to her over his shoulder, innocently, casually. "I thought I might've not been able to catch you this time of day," he said. "Thought you might be sprinting along the Yarra or something."

They took a seat at a small table. Allie shook her head at him and wouldn't meet his eyes. "Nah," she said quietly. "I don't run much these days." The way she said it indicated she did not want to discuss it further, so Rhys took the hint and picked up the wine list menu, and pondered his confused thoughts under the guise of choosing a drink.

It wasn't until they were half way through their first drinks and had made a hefty dent in a Turkish bread and dips platter that Allie let her curious side out again, for the first time in a long time. "How is work?" she asked off hand.

Rhys shrugged. He had been back at work more than a month, but it was nothing to write home about. It was different. There was something lacking. He'd be lying if he said he enjoyed it as much as he used to. And they were still no closer to finding out who had planted the bombs throughout the State Police building. The fact that he knew the investigation could remain unsolved for months, even years, was a sobering thought he lived with everyday. "It's ok."

Allie nodded and they ate and drank for several minutes without speaking.

"I miss you though," Rhys began, finally breaking the ice.

"Yeah?" Allie cracked a tiny smile – the first she had in months.

He nodded. "It's weird not having you work with us. It's just me, Duncan and Matt, and I don't feel like I belong," he admitted quietly. "I feel like the third wheel."

Allie threw him a sympathetic look from behind her wine glass.

"But you and me…" he hesitated fleetingly. "We made a good team. I miss you."

Allie didn't have an answer for that.

Did she miss him too?

Maybe she did. She'd been thinking a lot of late about exactly where her brush with death had forced her to be. What it had forced her to decide and what actions it had forced her to take. She'd come to realise she needed to hold onto those who were important in her life, because they could be lost in just a matter of moments, the way Jen had lost Nick. She'd realised that now more than anything she wanted safety and reassurance, a constant in her life that she could rely on, and turn to when the chips were down or she doubted herself. And she was increasingly wondering if that constant was named Rhys.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 Barely Got Started

_May 15, 2013_

_I suppose it's proof I was always meant to be with you when everything I see and hear and feel now that you're gone reminds me of you. Just everything. Sometimes it drives me crazy. Every little thing. When I see your favourite brand of cereal on the shelf in the supermarket, and then every single day when I pour myself a bowl of it. When I hear Cold Chisel on the radio. When I see someone drinking James Boag beer. When I put the clean washing away and consider folding my undies like you did. When I watch Elise sleep and see how she sleeps exactly the way you did, your arms always holding onto something or someone. When I'm having a good day and walk confidently down the hallway and remember how you had such a cool swagger whenever you walked, like you owned the world. When I watch your favourite footy team playing. Whenever someone mentions Sydney. Whenever I see watches in a jewellery catalogue. Whenever I hear our wedding song. The list is just endless._

_And today Mum was over and she was telling me how one of her friends is going to Noosa on holiday soon and I remembered how great our week was there on our honeymoon. It was such a beautiful, relaxing week, I remember I never wanted to leave…_

As they stepped into the taxi and settled their carry-ons on the seat between them Jennifer exhaled loudly, blowing her fringe up and out of her eyes for a second. "You're not exhausted already are you?" Nick asked her, smiling.

She smiled right back. "No," she replied. "Okay, maybe a little." They were both so clueless as to the perils of being expectant parents for the first time and how just a few hours of flying and carting luggage around could exhaust Jennifer.

Nick reached for her hand and squeezed it there on the back seat. She squeezed it right back and leant over to kiss him quickly.

He continued to smile at her and laid the reassurances on thick. "Don't worry, this week can be as slow as we like – it's just us."

Jennifer nodded happily in answer.

Later, when they reached their hotel, Nick sat Jennifer right down on a lounge in the lobby and instructed her to stay there. "I'll take care of check in," he declared, and bustled away to the front desk. She could see him speaking in earnest to the check in girl, motioning occasionally over at her on the lounge, no doubt telling the girl that his wife was in a precious state and could they please fall all over themselves in assisting her during their stay. Normally Jennifer would be irritated at this, but this time she let it slide. It was kind of nice to be taken care of so much, and it was incredibly sweet to see Nick be this way. "I certainly married the right guy," she muttered to herself.

By late that afternoon they had settled in and Jennifer had got her second wind, so they ventured out towards the beach and shops and restaurants nearby. Jennifer stood behind Nick as he locked their door and then turned around, immediately reaching for her hand. "Let's go."

They first walked down to the beach, strolling hand in hand along the sand. The fresh salty air further prepped Jennifer up and ridded her of her uncomfortable aeroplane feeling.

"I wonder how cold the water is," Nick mused as they walked.

"I don't want to find out," Jennifer replied.

"Oh c'mon, yes you do," he said cheekily, pulling her hand towards the water. She was reluctant and slackened her hold in his hand, but before she knew it they were ankle deep in the Coral Sea. The water was warm and tingled their extremities – a luxury they were starved of as Melburnians.

"Nice huh?" Nick smiled at her.

Jennifer nodded in return, admitting he was right whilst glad she was wearing shorts short enough that they weren't getting wet right then.

Suddenly he pulled on her hand and bought her crashing in closer to him. She almost stumbled in the spongy sand of the ocean floor but he caught her securely and picked her up in his arms and spun her round. She couldn't help but laugh as she kept a firm grip around his neck, and she closed her eyes as the wind blew through her hair and Nick's laughter surrounded her. It was a feeling she knew she'd never forget.

A little while later out on the street, they wandered along the busy footpaths, admiring the store fronts, enjoying the smells coming from the restaurants and revelling in the fresh, clean Queensland air. As they strolled along, stopping every now and again to look closer at a shop display or to read a menu board outside a restaurant, Nick placed an arm around Jennifer's shoulders and hugged her in close to him. They walked along like that, blissful looks on their faces, oblivious to everyone else for an hour before Nick slowed down.

"So, where to for dinner Mrs Buchanan?" he asked her, grinning.

It was the first time she'd been called that and he knew it. She grinned right back at him and together they picked a restaurant to eat at.

The city lights lay out before us

And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder

And I had a feeling that I belonged

They'd not even been in the sun much that day, but their faces glowed with newlywed exhilaration when they returned to their hotel after dinner. Their room was almost completely dark when they walked through the door, save for a few illuminating beams of moonlight that sailed without a whisper through the window. Both stepped inside and as Nick turned away from Jen slightly to close the door behind them, she stood and watched, her bag dangling loosely from her wrist.

He didn't turn on the lights and she moved in closer to him when he stepped away from the door and more properly into the room. Their chests touched and her bag slipped from her grip and fell to the floor at her feet as she kissed him deeply, like her life depended on it.

Nick could only just see her, but it was a beautiful sight. She had the most serene look on her face – like she'd been waiting years just for this moment, even though they'd slept together countless times before, and it took his breath away. He felt something in his chest flutter and he ran a light hand over her cheek and upwards, sweeping her blonde hair back a little and then kissing her again. And again. And again.

She slipped onto the bed and atop the sheets, lying lithely before him, her tanned skin still managing to shine in the semi darkness. The skin had begun to stretch over her belly, making it look tight and ultra smooth, and other parts of her had begun to fill out too. Nick took it all in as he continued to kiss her every limb, her every exposed plain of skin. His hands were warm and smooth and she clenched her toes tightly, and closed her eyes as she kissed him.

His presence was intoxicating and she felt helpless but exhilarated, so unaware it could even be like this. _Thanks for that pregnancy _she thought happily, almost wanting to giggle. They had so many new things to experience together for the rest of their lives, now that they were married. She couldn't wait to get started.

Nick could hear the seductive in draws of breath, the magnetic like pull of his body to be ever closer to hers. He slipped his hands underneath the small of her back and encouraged her to come off the pillows and fit into the curves of his chest and she breathlessly complied, bringing her elbows to rest on his shoulders, her hands instantly finding places in amongst his hair, her lips willingly against his. It felt different to Nick, having a bump of baby between them. Different, but wonderful.

She smiled at him for a second, when their eyes met, and he smiled suggestively back, so overtaken by her beauty. She looked better than she ever had and he made love to her hungrily, passionately, appreciating his new wife and her statuesque new figure as her heart thumped well out of her chest as she remained infinitely close to him.

Later, as they both fell back down to earth, like swaying lazy feathers fluttering down, Nick's hands continued to roam all over Jennifer's limbs, albeit at a slower grazing pace, as they cooled down.

Jennifer maneuvered herself tighter into his chest and arms and looked adoringly at him, running her hand down the curve of his jaw, right from his ear to his collarbone. "You…" she whispered before realising there really were no words.

Nick grinned back at her, relaxed and happy. "Mmmm," he agreed before he broke out with his rarely seen mega watt smile. "Ha…" he chuckled. "If we hadn't already…" he reached for her pregnant belly underneath the sheets and stroked the warm area affectionately.

She grinned widely back at him and nodded, her eyes lit up, her cheeks flushed with giddiness. "Yep. That certainly would've done it."

They both laughed and Nick hugged her tighter to him, feeling so incredibly blessed that they already had a baby on the way.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24 When You Need It Most

_June 24, 2013_

_Today is your birthday. You would've turned forty. Elise and I have gone out for lunch in a kind of celebration, just the two of us, and now we're back home, having cuddles on the couch whenever she is awake. She doesn't seem herself this week, and especially today, and I don't know if it's because she's unwell or because it's your birthday and she can sense how sad I feel._

_I've been thinking today of everything you told me before you died that you wanted for her. The more she grows the more important I realise it is to make your wishes happen. I promise I will send her to a public school and encourage her to follow her passions. I promise I will teach her the value of money and that helping others is the most important thing she could do. I promise I'll take her travelling and allow her to learn about the world from a young age. I promise to make sure that she always uses her manners and keeps in plenty of contact with your parents. I'll do everything you wanted._

_Happy Birthday Nick_

_Love you forever,_

_Jen _

As she finished up her entry she closed the journal and realised how dark it had become in the lounge room. The sun had well and truly gone down and she'd been writing in the semi darkness, unaware of how quickly day had turned into night. It was just on 6pm and Jennifer frowned at the lack of noise coming from the nursery.

She got up and walked into her daughter's room quietly, wondering why a baby who you could usually set your watch by had not yet stirred. She leant over the cot and looked down only to see Elise with her eyes still closed, but wriggling, red faced and frowning in her sleep. It wasn't what Jennifer normally saw when she watched Elise sleep.

Her heartbeat quickened. She reached down and placed a hand gently on the infant's forehead. It was scorching. She pulled her hand back in shock and then just as quickly felt her cheeks and her chest, slipping her hand underneath the little suit Elise was wearing. _This isn't right _her conscience screamed at her. She power walked from the room and into the bathroom where she retrieved the thermometer from the cabinet underneath the sink. As she rushed back to the nursery she tried to calm herself down, determined not to lose it.

But when she gently placed the thermometer under her child's tiny tongue and watched the mercury rise she felt the panic increasing inside her. Only moments later Elise stirred fully from her fitful slumber and began to wail. Jennifer picked her up and searched her mind for what to do. She cradled her in the crook of her elbow, swaying her back and forth gently as she spoke soothingly and walked from the room and back into the bathroom. There, with her spare hand she soaked a face washer with water and then squeezed it out. She placed it gently on the baby's forehead and prayed it would bring her some comfort.

But it helped little, and Elise continued to wail. She arched her back in her mother's hold and screwed up her face, unsettled and in pain. Jennifer was at odds and tried everything she could think of, but nothing seemed to work. Finally she decided it was better to be safe than sorry and she needed professional help, so she placed Elise back into bed momentarily and ran to her bedroom to pull on her trench, still able to hear the pitiful cries from several rooms away.

It was soon inevitable. Jennifer started to panic. She raced around the room, trying to find a pair of shoes all the while trying to decide if she should drive to the hospital herself or call an ambulance. How serious was this? What was wrong? How much time did they have? What can I do here? _What the hell was wrong? _She almost began to cry and as she reached in the dim light for her car keys on the bedside table, in her haste she knocked off the clock radio and it fell to the floor, bouncing awkwardly with its cord a few times before coming to a rest upside down at Jennifer's feet. As she reached down to pick it up music suddenly trickled out of the small speaker, despite her not having touched any of the buttons.

The music made her stop and smile in a mixture of shock and heartache. It was playing Can't Help Falling In Love – their wedding song. It was old, and neither of them were Elvis fans but it was what they'd picked nonetheless. Jennifer suddenly remembered exactly how she'd felt during those few precious minutes they'd floated over the dance floor for their first dance. She'd been sixteen weeks pregnant, and he'd only proposed a few months before. But they were so happy. There'd never been any question that they should get married. They were meant to be. Jennifer remembered how blissfully happy she'd been taking that first dance as husband and wife, and how blissfully happy she'd continued to be right up until the day he'd died. It was an extraordinary, giddy feeling that she desperately missed. Now the only moments of bliss she got were from watching their daughter smile, or fall asleep peacefully in her arms after a long day.

As the songs last strains played out Jennifer took a deep breath and smiled again. It was a sign. A sign from Nick at a moment when she'd really needed him.

She gathered what she needed and then grabbed Elise, bundled her into the car seat and drove to the hospital.

_June 25, 2013_

_It's 1:30am and I've just got home from the hospital with Beauty. The poor thing has a virus. When I felt how much her forehead was on fire earlier tonight I completely panicked and didn't know what to do. _

_But then our song came on, and it calmed me down and gave me a bit of clarity._

_I know it was you Nick._

_Thankyou. It was exactly what I needed._


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25 Maybe

Allie reached for her second glass of wine – a move that surprised Rhys. What had happened to her limiting the alcohol she consumed so that she still felt in top shape in the morning so she could go for a run? _Oh yeah, that's right. She'd nearly died in a terrorist attack_. He filled up her glass when she held it in front of him.

As he put the bottle back down on her kitchen table, he stretched out, leaning his elbow on the table's wooden top, half his chest spread across it, his hand holding up his head. With his other hand he lazily bought his glass to his mouth and took a swig of the wine he'd stolen from his Aunty's collection earlier that evening. "So," he said uselessly.

Allie sat back in her chair, stretching her legs out and propping an elbow up on the back of the seat. She rubbed at her forehead tiredly.

"So what?" she asked wearily.

"So when are you coming back to work Allegra?" He hoped the teasing inclusion of the name she hated would keep him out of the doghouse for asking such a blatantly personal question he really had no right to ask.

Allie exhaled, sounding annoyed. "Oh when you stop asking maybe?" she replied, throwing him a pissed off look.

He smiled and said no more, instead just looking at her with a stare that forced her to say more.

"Oh get your hand off it Rhys," she said, exasperated. She took another sip of wine. In truth he had only asked her once, and it had been months ago. And she had not answered him that time.

He turned serious. "Well," he began. "I just want you to know…that I want you back."

Later, Allie walked delicately from the kitchen, the wine finished. She wasn't drunk, but definitely a bit light headed. She leant lethargically against the door frame. "Come and lay beside me," she said quietly, not sure if he would follow. It could've sounded like a sleazy invitation to hop into bed with her when they were both under the influence, but it wasn't. They hadn't drunk that much, and she just wanted to lie down.

Rhys got up and followed her, remembering the way to her bedroom easily. When he got there she was already lying on the bed, her eyes closed. He kicked off his shoes and settled himself on the other side of her double bed, lying his head softly on the pillows. He heaved a big sigh in and she turned over to face him, then reached for his hand.

"Do you want to move in here?" she asked in the darkness.

"What?"

"It'd get you out of your Aunty's place," Allie replied. "And probably give me the kick up the arse I need."

"I'm not going to eat tofu and drink green smoothies," he replied, ever the joker.

"Oh for goodness sake Rhys," she spat, but too tired to sound too annoyed. "I'm giving you a second chance. Just take it would you?"

He smiled and nodded, knowing that's what she'd been hinting at all along.

"Okay."

She smiled and then looked down at their linked hands. "Good." She whispered it so quietly he didn't even hear it.

And there they remained all night long. They slept beside each other happily, peacefully, trusting each other. There was nothing intimate about it – no clothes were taken off, no kisses were exchanged, no pulses sent racing or sweat beads formed. They were just there for each other.

Maybe, just maybe, that other stuff could come later, Allie thought as she fell asleep.

It was late on a very ordinary Thursday afternoon that Matt knocked on Jennifer's back door. He still had the key Janine had cut for him, but felt the time had passed where it was appropriate to use it and just walk in whenever he liked. But he still went to the back door – the tradesman's entrance, as he and Duncan had called it, back months ago, when they'd been there a lot, looking out for Jen.

He knocked and waited. He could hear her talking inside the house, playing games with the baby. It was a sweet noise. He heard her get up and walk towards his knock and then suddenly there she was, child on her hip, hair in her face, no make-up on. Beautiful.

"Matt," she smiled, opening the door to let him in with her free hand.

"How are ya Jen?" he asked as he stepped inside. He smiled kindly at her and Elise, reaching out a finger to touch across the tiny cheek of the infant. Elise bowed her head away from him shyly and burrowed into Jennifer's shoulder.

"Oh don't be shy Beauty," Jennifer laughed, looking down at her daughter and rubbing her back. She looked back at Matt and answered his question. "I'm good thanks Matty."

She smiled more these days. It put Matt's worry at ease.

"Come in," Jen offered, walking back to the living room. "Sit down. I was just trying to tire her out before she went to bed." She smiled again at Matt in a way only adults did, like they were keeping some big secret from the child.

Matt sat on the two seater couch opposite Jen and watched as she stood Elise's unsteady feet on her thighs. He watched the little girl try over and over again to get her balance.

"Do you want a cup of coffee?" she asked suddenly, feeling rude she hadn't asked him sooner.

"Only if you're making one," he replied.

"Of course," she smiled. She stood up and plonked Elise right down on his lap and walked into the kitchen. Alarmed, like lightning he put two hands around her, tucked up under her arms, like he might drop her. She sat uncomfortably for a few moments, feeling as awkward as he did, and then pushed her feet out, wanting to stand up again.

Matt's head reeled back a little, his chin doubling, as he held her out over his thighs just like Jen had done a minute earlier. Like this Elise was happier, and bounced her knees up and down endlessly, her random spasmodic movements keeping most of his attention.

"How've things been?" Matt asked, his voice sailing into the open kitchen behind him, only slightly distracted by the energetic 11 month old he was holding.

"Oh you know," Jen replied, busy with the boiling kettle. "She's getting into everything. I can't close my eyes for a second."

Matt smiled but noted, not for the first time, how she never mentioned herself. It was always about Elise.

Jennifer walked back towards the couch with two steaming cups a moment later and placed them on the coffee table before bending over Matt and taking Elise out of his arms and placing her on the floor with a cloth book. When she sat back down, she crossed one leg over the other, leaned back on the couch cushions and looked at Matt. "How're things with you? How's work going?"

Matt had long since returned to work, and he and Jennifer had often had moments like this one where they exchanged pleasantries about life, but she never asked about the investigation into the bombing. She guessed it was a huge case, with a myriad of people working on it. She was right. She didn't really want to know the details for some reason. She just wanted to be told when they caught the perpertraitors, and had asked both Stanley and Matt to extend her that right when the time came. Matt himself only worked sparingly on the case. His time away from Homicide meant that when he returned he'd missed a large chunk of the investigation and he wasn't particularly keen to play catch up. Like Stanley Wolfe had thought, it was too much for someone like Matt to not only deal with their grief and the aftershocks of the attack but to also try to play the hero and solve the case too. They all wanted to be able to come to Jennifer with a good result, and sooner rather than later, but Matt was leaving it in the hands of others. It was better that way.

So Matt nodded his head and thought over the couple of cases he was currently working on. They were nothing worth discussing, and he knew Jennifer would rather talk about other things. "Yeah same old same old," he admitted as he took a sip of his coffee and looked over at Elise entertaining herself on the floor. Jennifer followed his gaze and they watched her for a few minutes, smiling together at her attempts to roll over and to talk to her stuffed animal.

"I think she's bigger than she was even just a week ago," Matt stated, changing the subject like he'd flipped a switch.

Jennifer nodded happily at his observation. "Oh she is," she smiled, cradling her coffee in her lap. "Everyday I'm finding clothes that don't fit her anymore."

"Wow," Matt mused, still smiling down at the little girl.

"But she's sleeping better through the night these days, which is nice," Jennifer admitted.

Matt nodded. "I was going to say you looked better rested," he grinned, hoping she would take the compliment.

She nodded, completely unaware he was paying her one. "Oh I am," she enthused regardless.

"Soon you'll be back out mingling with the adults, she'll be sleeping that well," Matt said.

Jennifer nodded, but not as wholeheartedly as he'd hoped for. Nothing would tear her away from Elise, he knew. But he thought he'd give it one last try.

"We're going to that new Vietnamese place on Chapel Street next Friday night if you want to come," he invited her. "Just me and Dunny and Paul and Rhys, just casual."

"Maybe Matty," Jennifer replied, taking another gulp of coffee, her eyes still on her daughter.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26 A Mountain Out of a Mole Hill

Janine struggled through the back door, her hands full of plastic bags full of food and tucked under her arm a packet of nappies. "What about that lovely one? Matt?" she asked as she dumped the heavy bags on the bench top.

Jennifer began taking things out of them as her mother stood back, waiting for an answer.

"What about him?" she asked, not taking much notice as she stacked things into the refridgerator.

"He seems very nice," Janine smiled, trying, for Jennifer's sake, to forget how Nick had always been even nicer.

Jennifer caught on pretty fast after that comment. She straightened back up and looked her mother square in the eye. "He is Mum," she replied. "Really lovely. But I just can't. I still love Nick too much."

"Who said anything about love?"

Jennifer ignored the comment. "Matt's more of a best friend anyway. If I tried to love someone else I think it'd just be half-arsed, and that's not fair on Matt."

Janine sighed. She only wanted the best for Jennifer. "Well you should spend more time with him anyway, even if it's just as best friends."

Jennifer rolled her eyes, annoyed yet at the same time heartbroken, knowing she wouldn't need to do such a thing if only she still had Nick around.

_September 28, 2013_

_Our little Christmas baby is one year old. How did this happen Nick? How has time gone so quickly? How did my life change so drastically so fast? One moment you were there, kissing me good morning and the next you were slipping away in that dreadfully small hospital bed. And I never got you back. I truly can't understand it most days. How could it happen? How how how! When you were RIGHT there and then suddenly I couldn't have you anymore? Nothing will ever be worse._

_But oh Nick. You'd be so stoked if you were here today. Your daughter is beautiful. Just beautiful. She is the brightest little ray of sunshine, just like you used to call her. She keeps me going, everyday. I wish so much that you were here to see her grow up. You both deserved that._

_Today she giggled and bubbled her way through her birthday party. I could tell she was having a great time. And she was surrounded by all our closest family and friends, and they all couldn't stop mentioning how much she looked like you. We're so lucky to know so many great people, and have so many people care about us. They take care of me Nick, and of Beauty, and they've been a tremendous help in the time you've been gone._

_I know I should be grateful. And I am. _

_But I still wish you were here and we were celebrating this birthday together. As a family. Where you would hang up a piñata and I would bake a cake. And then on future birthdays you would build a cubby, then teach her to ride a bike, surprise her with a pet, buy her her first special piece of jewellery. It's amazing how I can picture it all so clearly in my head – I knew exactly how perfect our life would be the day I married you Nick, and everyday I still imagine it and long for life to be that way. Because just me and Elise…sometimes that doesn't seem like much of a family. It should be three of us, not just two._

_Because you should be here with us. You only died because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because some callous extremists decided to kill innocent people to make their point. It was not how you were supposed to go._

_She's the voice I love to hear_

_Someday when I'm ninety_

_She's that wooden rocking chair_

_I want rocking right beside me_

_Everyday that passes I only love her more_

_She's the one I'd lay down my own life for_

Jennifer gathered up the paper plates from the tables and chairs scattered over the veranda and walked with them inside. Matt followed her in, carrying the remains of the birthday cake. It had been a long and _loud_ afternoon, and they went about cleaning up the mess from it quietly. Both were tired, even though plenty of people still remained in the house, helping to clean up in a similar fashion. But they bustled in and out and Jennifer and Matt found themselves alone at the sink, washing dishes silently.

"Hey Jen," he began timidly, so unsure of the appropriateness of what he was about to ask her.

She looked up from the suds in front of her and over at him, tea towel in hand. "Yeah?"

Matt studied her for a moment before he spoke. She looked beautiful, as always. That seemed to be the only word his mind ever threw up to describe her. But that was what she was. For a mother of a one year old she was looking damn good in her jeans and black ballerina wrap around top. She set it off with red flats and a skinny red belt and her hair was out and just skimmed her shoulders in length. She still had the look of detective about her – but now it was just slightly tinged with the motherly look. He liked that she still looked like a cop. The cop was the Jennifer he knew best.

"I've finally finished the reno's on my kitchen," he began weakly. She smiled at him. "And I wanted to invite you over for a meal, to christen it, you know."

He asked her so politely, so shyly, that she had to say yes, despite her reservations about the whole idea.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27 Uncertainties

Jennifer lay in bed that night, enjoying longer stints on her own pillow thanks to Elise being utterly exhausted from her party, and sleeping for longer periods through the night. As she too attempted sleep, she thought over what Matt had asked her that afternoon.

It was so nice of him to be so caring, so friendly, so concerned for her welfare. He was a terrific friend – always had been. But she had reservations about taking it any further. She supposed they'd had a 'thing' – briefly – years ago, before Nick was back on the scene, but it was really a pathetic outing, especially compared to everything she had experienced with Nick. With Matt it was ten decibels quieter, ten times less exciting and ten times slower. He had never set her heart racing enough to want to pursue anything very vigouressly. They'd never shared a kiss, shared a bed, shared anything more than a tight embrace after a trying day at work. Yet he still held a special place in her heart for some reason. And that was what had made her accept his dinner invitation.

She didn't know if she was ready to do such a thing. It had been less than a year since Nick's death. She wasn't ready. But she didn't know when she would be, so best to try too early than not try at all right? Her mind tussled and fought constantly between the sides. Yes, no, yes, no. You're ready, no you're not. It's Nick or no one, give Matty a go. It was like tug of war.

But despite all of that, the following Friday night she found herself seated at Matt's kitchen table. She'd dressed carefully, so unused to having to think about what to wear to impress or give the right impression to someone – with Nick she'd never had to do such a thing. He'd loved her most with her clothes off anyway. She smiled at the thought. She was nervous, but maintained the composure she knew Matt was hoping for. Part of her heckled herself – why was she nervous? She had no need to be. They were friends, colleagues, confidants, and they had been all those things for a very long time. This was totally normal.

But she missed Elise as soon as she drove away from the house. It wasn't like she wasn't used to leaving her daughter – at least once a fortnight Janine would take care of her for an afternoon, an evening, even overnight sometimes, to give Jennifer a break. Janine all but insisted on it, and Jennifer had agreed, especially after what the community nurse had said to her about Elise being very attached to her mother. The nurses words still nagged at her everyday – and only doubled whenever Elise became grumpy or clingy – and Jennifer was forever taking steps to raise her to be in no way disadvantaged because she had only one parent. She was determined she could turn out a child just as stable and strong and independent as a happily married couple could.

Still, Jennifer missed Elise the moment she drove away and on to Matt's house. A small part of her felt neglectful and like she was not honouring Nick's memory by leaving their daughter and going to have dinner with another man. _It's just Matt_ she'd told herself as she drove. _Just Matt. No big deal. Calm down. _

And now here they were sharing what was a perfectly pleasant meal in Matt's ornate and sparkling new kitchen. Their conversation flowed as it always had, and they laughed and enjoyed a bottle of wine. It was like old times. For a precious hour or two, Jennifer almost felt human again.

It was late when Matt wished her goodnight on his driveway with a quick peck on the cheek. "Thanks for coming Jen," he said quietly in the slightly crisp October air. He smiled at her so genuinely – it was a nice way to end the evening. "It was good to just…talk with you again."

She nodded in response. "It was," she smiled and got into the drivers seat of her car. "Thanks Matty."

He waved to her as she reversed out of the driveway and then stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked back inside. He knew his brain would take a while to switch off after a dinner like that, so he went back inside, decided to leave the dirty dishes until morning and changed into his pyjamas and crawled into bed, getting comfortable against the pillows and linking his hands behind his head.

Janine was watching television quietly when Jennifer walked back through the back door. She looked up to greet her daughter. "Hi sweetheart," she called out quietly, turning the program off.

Jennifer dumped her bag on the kitchen bench and her keys right beside it and walked over to her mother in the living room. "Hi," she replied. A night like tonight was fine, but sometimes, just sometimes, Jennifer felt like she was a teenager again the way her mother was always around. It could make her feel incompetent and inexperienced, like her mother had to be there to oversee everything she did, just like she had when she'd lived at home. Luckily, this feeling didn't afflict Jennifer too often though, and the rest of the time she was tremendously grateful for her mother's willingness to help her out with Elise.

She flopped down on the couch beside her and Janine smiled at her in the dim light. "Did you have a nice night?" she asked.

Jennifer nodded, feeling too mentally tired to do too much explaining. "Yeah it was nice. Matt's new kitchen is amazing." Jennifer knew those weren't the details Janine wanted to hear, but she wasn't prepared to offer anything else up right then. "How was Beauty?"

Janine smiled wider, her kind face pleasant and easy going. "Fine fine," she replied. "She's always good for me."

Jennifer smiled. _Number one Gran, _she thought to herself.

Half an hour later Janine had left and Jennifer tiptoed into Elise's dark bedroom to check on her sleeping child. As her eyes adjusted to the new surroundings she padded into the room and leant silently over the cot railing. Elise slumbered peacefully, her arms reaching above her head holding a stuffed toy, as if she'd surrendered to sleep, unable to keep up the fight to stay awake. Jennifer smiled. She was so cute, so beautiful, so breathtaking, in every way. She loved to just look at her, taking in over and over again every feature that was such a replica of Nick.

Later she climbed into bed but had trouble falling asleep. Perhaps it was the wine, or perhaps it was the entire night she'd had, but she couldn't switch off. She thought about Matt, and how much she had enjoyed this night out of the ordinary. It had been a nice change to what had become her daily life routine. But within moments her thoughts returned to Nick, and she found herself mentally comparing the two men.

There was no doubt in her mind Nick had it over Matt, though there were many things she appreciated about Detective Ryan. And she appreciated his efforts tonight. But Nick…oh Nick was a different story. Nobody set her pulse racing like Nick had. Nobody could generate such an electric shock through her entire body with just one look, or one touch, the way Nick could. There had been times – she had lost count just how many, and they had happened before, and after, they'd been married – when she had just been completely blindsided at the way Nick could make her feel. They'd had their fair share of romantic weekends and daring trysts at inappropriate times that had just blown her mind. He could flip a switch in her that she was powerless to turn off – it'd only take one smouldering look from his side of the bed, one hand snaking around her waist as she stood at the kitchen bench, one single sentence said in a hot breath by her ear and she was putty in his hands, unable to say no to such temptation with this delicious and tender man. He wanted her so badly that she could never deny him – and never wanted to anyway because she'd wanted him just as badly. And when she'd said yes to his proposal, she knew they both had been thinking that now they could have those wonderful feelings for another fifty years or more. It had been an exciting life to look forward to.

You can be addicted to a certain type of sadness

She positively ached to feel that way again – so wanted, so utterly desired, so loved, and to feel that way right back to him. She knew she'd not wasted her opportunities with Nick when he'd been alive, but now that he was gone she lamented her loss, wishing she could have all those opportunities all over again. To have him kiss her all over, hoist her up onto his hips the way he always liked to do so that he could have her as close as possible to his own body, run a hand through her hair, lose himself so completely in her presence when they reached the height of their lust alone together. She knew she would never get that back. No man would ever be as good.

No one could take her breath away quite the way Nick could.

A while later she reluctantly closed her eyes, knowing she would only dream about him again.

Matt too lay in bed thinking over the nights events, some two hours after he'd retired for the night. There seemed so much to think about, even though in reality there was precious little going on between he and Jennifer to date. But his mind insisted on tossing up every single possibility that might just eventuate.

Matt felt pulled, between wanting to be there for Jen, and wanting to be _there _for Jen. She was now a widow, with a small child. It was a lot to take on. Not that he wasn't willing. The fact she was a single parent did not phase him. He kind of liked the new aspects motherhood had bought out in her. And he knew families came in all shapes and sizes. He was not one to judge. But was it the sort of thing he should try to pursue? He wasn't even sure he wanted it, let alone Jennifer.

But he cared so deeply for her and Elise. They had been friends a long time, and there had been a few tiny instances where it could've moved beyond that, but neither had been keen enough to make it happen. And then she had met and married Nick, and they had been the perfect couple, with the perfect life and the perfect little family. He was not part of that. But things were not so perfect now, and suddenly he felt in with a chance. _Because I'm all kinds of imperfect _Matt thought.

But it wasn't right. Nick had died_. Died. _It was very obvious she was still grieving, and would be for a long time. She had not been able to return to the Jen she had been before the attack, and it was something Matt never failed to notice, every single time he saw her. It was starkly obvious she had lost her other half – it slapped you in the face. And now she led a life alone with Elise, without detective work, without her husband. It was an ongoing difficult adjustment, Matt knew. And he admired her for how well she had managed thus far. He wanted to tell her so - tell her she had been a fantastic mother, a strong widow in the wake of her husband's death, a solid and resilient human being who had held it together when most people would've fallen to pieces.

But he didn't want to step in too early, try to make her feel something before she was ready to. He didn't even know if he himself felt ready to try anything too ambitious. She was still very much Nick's girl, and he had a feeling she always would be.

When he woke up the following morning and pottered around the messy kitchen quietly, his body taking its time waking up, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. He turned around properly from the pantry shelves and looked at the chair Jennifer had occupied the night before. It was her scarf, hanging loosely over the top rung. He walked over and picked up the thin, sophisticated leopard print piece of nothing and ran it between his palms. He smiled a little, knowing he could use it as an excuse to see her again.

Jennifer cringed when she heard the car in the driveway and sprung up off the couch as delicately as she could, trying not to disturb a just fallen asleep Elise in her arms. She even went as far as placing a light hand over one of the baby's ears as she took quick long strides to the back door, hoping to block out the sound of a car door slamming and a hand knocking on the glass of the back door. It had taken her a good forty minutes to get Elise back to sleep and she wasn't going to let anything or anyone ruin what she'd finally achieved, even if it meant keeping her in her arms for the entire time she slumbered.

Jennifer waited at the back door for whoever it was to show their face on the other side of the flyscreen.

She should've known it'd be Matt.

"Hi," she whispered, gesturing with her head awkwardly for him to let himself in, her hands otherwise occupied.

Matt went to speak but then stopped, noting the sense of silence that Jen was alluding to. "Hi," he whispered back as he stepped inside softly, her scarf hanging from his left hand.

Jennifer kept her hand over Elise's exposed ear. The other ear was buried between Jennifer's elbow and her breast, which muffled sounds outside of the girls dreams. She leant in to Matt as he followed her back through the kitchen and into the living room. "Sorry," she whispered. "But I only just got her to sleep. It was such a mission this morning…I don't want to even put her down in case it wakes her again."

Matt smiled and nodded, understanding. They sat gently down on the couch together, Jennifer gingerly maneuvering what body parts she could to accommodate, but not disturb the sleeping child. Despite the mission it had been to get Elise back to sleep and the patience Jennifer had lost a little as a result that morning, she, as always, could barely keep her eyes off the infant who clung with both hands to her mother – one tiny fist clutching at the material of her shirt near her underarm and the other at the collar. It was love.

And it was something Matt noticed immediately. He watched Jennifer watch Elise and suddenly felt overwhelmed at the situation and the environment he was again sitting in. Jennifer, a mother to a child she'd had with Nick Buchanan, her husband. Elise, the offspring that was unquestionably going to grow up to be the spitting image of her father. The spacious, carefully thought out home they sat in at that moment. The endless photos of Nick, of Nick and Jen, of Jen and Elise, of Nick and Elise, of the three of them, that sat on the mantelpiece and the corner table, hung from the walls, were stuck to the fridge. Matt felt bombarded and like he really wasn't supposed to be there.

Told myself that you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

"Are you ok Matty?" Jennifer asked suddenly, pulling him from his reverie.

He blinked and looked her in the eye, shaken and spooked.

The truth he'd just come to realise slipped out of his mouth before he'd anticipated it would. "It's a bit unnerving for me Jen," he said in a rush.

Jennifer frowned.

Matt shrugged slightly. "There is just still such a strong feeling of Nick in this house," he explained, embarrassed. He didn't want to shudder visibly in front of her, but he did inside certainly. He also did not admit just how much it radiated from Jen herself too. That probably would've upset her too much, he thought.

Jennifer sighed and looked away for a few moments, then back down at her baby in her arms. Finally, she looked back up at Matt's gaze. "I know," she replied quietly. "I can feel it too. Every single day."

Suddenly Matt wanted to take a step back.

Who would've known how bittersweet this would taste?


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28 In Need Of Advice

"Look at how she just falls asleep right on top of you," Allie remarked quietly, smiling.

They sat on the couch, their shoes off, a pile of chick flicks on the coffee table. Once upon a time neither had been much into chick flicks, but times had changed. Now Jennifer and Allie were both a lot more vulnerable and soft, not the steely cops they used to be. So they'd enjoyed a quiet night in with some chocolate and the latest Paul Rudd rom com, and they'd made it through an entire movie before Elise woke up, insisted on being fed and then promptly fallen back asleep sprawled out over Jennifer's chest, her cheek skewiff on her mother's breast bone, her mouth hanging open. She had not even had a chance to take her back to her nursery. Jennifer was slouched on the couch, her spine bent into a C shape under the slight weight of a toddler on her chest. But she happily laid one hand on the child's back and watched her sleep, giving a soothing rub every now and again.

She nodded in response to Allie's observation and smiled, her fringe falling in front of her eyes as she dropped her chin to stare at the sleeping beauty. Nothing made her prouder than to see what a gorgeous child she and Nick had created, and it just made her more proud to know others saw it too.

"Is it weird?" Allie asked randomly, tucking her legs underneath her and changing her position amongst the cushions as the DVD menu played in the background.

"Is what weird?" Jen asked, still looking at Elise.

Allie shrugged, embarrassed at asking. But she had no one else she could ask. "Being a Mum," she replied. "Being pregnant. Giving birth. Dealing with such a helpless little person. Having everything change for the next eighteen years."

It could've made Jen sad to answer such a question, but instead she found herself laughing softly. "It's not weird," she chuckled. "Just…different. It was something I'd never done before, so how was I to know? I actually enjoyed being pregnant – I know it sounds daggy, but I'd never felt like more of a woman than when I was hurling around fifteen extra kilos."

Allie's eyebrows rose, doubtful.

Jen laughed again. "No really," she insisted, easily able to tell that Allie didn't believe her. "There were times when I felt wretched, but mostly I felt as good as everyone said I looked. Everyone kept telling me I was glowing, and that's how I felt."

She continued, trying not to take too much of a sombre turn. "Maybe half the feeling was to do with Nick, I dunno." She frowned slightly. "He was always so caring and loving, but when I was pregnant…" she shook her head ever so slightly to herself, remembering fondly. "He was the sweetest, most gentle creature. Feeling so great probably had a lot to do with him."

Allie nodded, jealous inside.

"And giving birth was not a walk in the park," she perked up again in tone. "But not so bad that I didn't want more children."

Allie shrugged. "I dunno if I could do it!" she exclaimed jovially, forcing out the bravado she used to have where she was all karate chopping, hard running action girl not the slightest bit interested in being motherly.

Jennifer exhaled. "Yes you could Allie."

Allie was silent then, thinking about it.

"If you found the right guy, you could."

Allie made a confession. "I think I have found the right guy Jen." She spoke quietly. "But I don't know _myself_ anymore. After what happened, I just don't know who _I_ am. I'm suddenly feeling all these new things that I've never thought I wanted before."

Jennifer kept her gaze on the young brunette, encouraging her to go on with her eyes. "Being at HQ that day…and just losing so much," she stopped suddenly, actually choking up at the memories. "I realised I need to hold onto people you know? Because you can lose them so quickly. And I miss Nick too…I know not in the same way you do, but I miss him. And I don't want to lose anyone else and miss them that way too. It's hard…I hate it."

She continued. "So I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't handle the solitary life I used to have. I need other people." She reached over and patted Jen's spare hand. "That's why I'm glad I've got you." She was aware of how soppy it sounded, but it was true.

And Jennifer didn't judge her. She was glad she had Allie around these days too. They made for an unlikely friendship but Jennifer was so glad to have her in her life. They had both been able to find a good friend in each other.

"So what do you want now?" Jennifer pressed.

Allie closed her eyes for a moment, thinking hard, even though the answer was at the fore front of her mind, where it had been for days, weeks, months, and on the tip of her tongue, dying to be spoken out loud. She folded her arms across her chest and eeked out her answer quietly. "I think I want what you had with Nick." She readied herself for the fall out from Jen for being so personal and cutting so deep into the widow's pain.

But Jennifer reacted well, and Allie could only guess it was because she completely understood her predicament. She smiled wistfully and stared around the room at all the photos of Nick that still stared back at her. "I did have it perfect there for a while," she admitted softly.

Allie nodded. "You really did Jen," she said. "Everyone noticed. We were so jealous."

The two women smiled at each other over Elise's head. It did not surprise Jen that people had been jealous. She had been living the fairytale and she knew it.

"So who's the lucky guy?" Jennifer asked. "Is it Rhys?"

_How did she know? _Allie thought inwardly. She found herself nodding straight away though. "I think so."

It took a few moments before she spoke again. "He's about to move in with me."

Now it was Jennifer's turn to raise her eyebrows. "Really?" she smiled.

Allie nodded. "I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but it's happening anyway."

"I'm sure it'll work out Allie," Jennifer said supportively. She went on, taking Allie out of her comfort zone. "And he's the one you want to have…?"

Allie nodded, albeit tentatively. "I think so…"

Allie reached for the pile of movies on the table and tried to distract herself for a moment by flicking through them. "I just…" she sighed. "I really don't know…about any of it." She looked over at her friend again. "Is it weird that I'm worried about committing so much, and going so far, but want to do it all so much just as much? What if I want it for the wrong reasons? What if I can't make it work with Rhys, or can't be a good mother?"

Allie's eyes were a pool of confusion that just wouldn't settle. "What's it like being a parent Jen? Could I handle it? Or am I too selfish and self absorbed?"

"Don't say that about yourself," she admonished Allie.

"But seriously," she begged.

Jennifer shrugged against the cushions at her back again. "Being a parent is…wonderful. I've never felt such a sense of responsibility before. And it was something Nick and I both wanted so much, when we got to the right point. And once we were there it was so right. It was like there was nothing else we were meant to do. We wanted to have children of our own. It's just a natural progression thing eventually I think Allie."

"But you do it by yourself now…" Allie ventured, again hoping not to hurt Jennifer's feelings.

Jennifer nodded. "Yeah," she whispered. "And that can be tough some days. But I think a child…they're the light of your life. I wish Nick was here so we could raise her together, like we'd planned, of course. But even though he's not now doesn't mean I don't want to still raise her in the same way. I think I'd be finding this…I think I'd be finding life a lot harder if it were just me, alone, without Nick. But I'm not alone – I have Beauty and she makes it." She kissed the child's head affectionately, and Elise didn't stir.

"You'll just know Allie," Jennifer reassured her, drawing on her own extensive yet short lived experience. "You'll know what you need to do when you need to do it."

Allie laid her head sideways on the back of the couch and sighed, looking at a slumbering Elise. "I just hope I can be even half as happy as you and Nick were."

Allie's words filled Jennifer with an explosion of regret, sadness, happiness and love.

_Yes. What we had was perfect._

_And I realise_

_If you ask me how I'm doing_

_I would say I'm doing just fine_

_I would lie and say that you're not on my mind_

_But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two_

_And finally I'm forced to face the truth_

_No matter what I say_

_I'm not over you_


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29 When Duty Calls

Rhys knew he missed her. Not having her round the office – it was strange. Not having her there, always being so serious, always running rampant with her passionate pursuits, always challenging everything anyone ever said, even Wolfey. He remembered when he'd first met her he'd thought it was a bit much. She never seemed to relax. She was wound up so tight, so dogged in all her lines of inquiries, even with the tone of her voice when she pressed a suspect for information in the interview room, to the point where after a tough day she'd need to go out for a run otherwise she'd 'punch someone's lights out.' No one needed to be that intense, he thought.

When they'd got together it had happened unexpectedly, although he knew he had flirted with her, tried hard to gain her attention, and the night he took her to the concert he'd won, and she'd given in to his pressure. And after that she had become a more relaxed Allie Kingston – more than happy to sit on the couch and drink wine with him, or throw the rules out the window and stay up all night long. He'd liked that he'd been able to turn her into this much more easy going person. He knew she needed a bit of that.

But then it had ventured into territory he'd not seen coming. He'd never wanted, nor intended for Bernice to see them that night of the fundraiser. He'd been more than a little mortified. And then she'd voiced her dislike of Allie so strongly he felt himself being influenced by her opinions. And then he'd further felt forced to lie about their relationship, and the further it got the easier it seemed to just break it off with her for real, not just in front of their superiors when they'd asked.

But he'd endured her wrath immediately. Even just the look in Allie's eyes gave away how hurt she was, and how furious she was all at the same time. He knew he'd been insensitive – but it was only because of his own insecurities.

The day Homicide was saved, he felt like she forgave him, and it filled him with hope again that maybe she could one day forget what a bastard he'd been to her previously.

"_You coming for a drink Oxford?" He turned back to face her, surprised to hear her call him that. It was a step in the right direction and he smiled back at her, and they went for a drink._

A few months later they were still on as friendly terms as they had been that night, but nothing more. He knew he'd hurt her and she was still dark on him, at least a little bit, for that. It would take time.

_Their conversation was interrupted momentarily by a shudder and a boom in the distance. The sound wasn't loud enough to alarm, but it was definitely noticeable, at least to Rhys. And the shudder was not normal. He frowned and looked at his friends._

"_What was that?" one of them asked. They looked around them at the other patrons in the pub, several of them having noticed the out of the ordinary feeling as well. Rhys frowned but nothing propelled him to go and find out what it was, so they went back to their conversation._

_Fifteen minutes later Ariel, one of Rhys' Oxford friends, took everyone's drinks orders and went up to the bar to buy the next round. Rhys watched her leave their table, keen for her to come back. He was enjoying himself, and wanted another drink. He knew they would while away their afternoon in exactly the way they always had when they'd been students and it had been far too long since he'd done that._

_But just a minute later Ariel returned, her hands empty. "What happened to the beers?" one of them asked her as she stood at their table. She ignored the question and focussed her eyes on Rhys with such fear that he started getting up before she even spoke. "You better come and see this," was all she said. Rhys looked at the others and then got up without a word and followed Ariel back to the bar, leaving behind his confused friends._

_They reached the bar and Ariel pointed up to the tv mounted above one of the liquor cabinets. It was on and had been turned up, a newsflash running along the bottom of the screen as images of flames and a crumbling disfigured building played out. "It's the State Police Centre," Ariel whispered, looking again at him fearfully, waiting for his reaction._

_Rhys just stared, his hands flat on the bar, his eyes unable to be torn away from what he was seeing. Was this real? He turned to Ariel. "Is this for real?" he asked her dazedly._

_She nodded and he left her at the bar then, ran back to their table out in the courtyard, grabbed his belongings, and bolted._

_The first person he found was Bernice. She had escaped with only cuts and large dark bruises. She embraced him, thankful she hadn't lost another member of her family. She hadn't been able to remember if he was on shift that day or not, and for a few terrified minutes after she'd got her head together, she wondered if he was inside somewhere, trapped._

_They stood underneath a first aid tent that had been set up at the edge of the crater, its white canvas a fringe dwelling beacon of safety and healing. He asked her questions in quick succession, eager for information. But she only shook her head sadly at him, knowing little more than he did. "I'm sorry Rhys," she apologised, her frown not going away. "We still don't know where everyone is. They're still searching. It could be hours…days."_

"_Days?" Rhys almost screeched, filled with dread at the thought. These people, his colleagues, his friends, they were cops. They weren't Stuart Diver. He wondered how many friends he might lose today, and he suddenly felt the need to be by himself, just to gain some perspective as well as his composure. He walked away from his aunt and then out of the way of the people in charge. _

_He had to walk for quite a distance – there was a huge exclusion zone in place, marked out with police tape and road works barriers, and so many SES workers, paramedics, uniformed police, even army personnel, were milling around, controlling the situation and working hard at the rescue effort. He didn't want to get in their way, but he didn't want to be far from his friends either, should they be found. If they were found. He shuddered again._

_He sat himself down on a kerb outside a little café and stared ahead of him at nothing. He already felt incredibly grateful he'd been spared his life. _

"_Here, take this," a voice said as a body stood beside him. Rhys looked up and saw a man holding out a paper cup to him. He accepted it but didn't drink the tea inside. The man sat down beside him. "What's your name mate?"_

"_Rhys."_

"_Hope you don't know anyone in there Rhys," the man stated forlornly as they both looked into the distance at the dilapidated building Rhys had once spent more than twelve hours a day in most days._

"_I do actually."_

_They were both adults, and he rarely referred to her as he had when he was a child anymore. But he was at his wits end. He'd just heard of Nick's passing and he could barely put two words together because an even greater fear had started eating away at him – and had been for more than a day now. "Aunty Bernie c'mon! I need to know where she is!" he pleaded as he followed hot on her heals towards the hospital's side entrance._

_She finally stopped and looked at him. She was rattled, and it overshadowed any sympathy she seemed to have. "Look I'm sorry Rhys," she explained quickly. "Duncan and Jen are fine, Stanley is too, Matt was with me…but that's all I know."_

"_But what about Allie?" he pressed her, not letting her leave. "Haven't you even been told where she is?" His face pleaded with her._

"_I'm sorry," she said again. "I honestly haven't. They've been trying to track her down, but this city is in chaos right now Rhys. She could be anywhere." She stepped around him, her assistants following like ducklings behind her and out the door. _

_Rhys made one final attempt. "Bernie…!" _

_She put a hand to his shoulder and squeezed it. "I've got to go and do this press conference Rhys. I've got to go tell them that we lost Nick. I'm sorry. I'll see you later."_

_He sighed and watched her climb into a waiting marked car. Duty called, he thought sombrely._


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30 Time Spent in Recovery

After the night Allie and Rhys had shared her bed, and she'd asked him if he wanted to move in, she asked him again. He'd not said anything to her about it since she'd first asked and she wanted desperately to know where she stood and what the hell was going on. But he was holding back, she could tell.

"What's going on Rhys?" she said before she'd even said hello when he knocked on the door of her flat one night. She said it in such a way that demanded an answer, and could've made him shake in his boots if he hadn't been expecting her to ask. But he had. He was prepared. But he didn't have any answers.

"Can I come in first at least?" he replied, not answering her.

She stepped aside and let him in begrudgingly. But she wasn't in the mood to drag it out. She wanted answers. "What's the deal?" she demanded.

He looked at her, noticing how different she looked these days. She was still tall and long and lithe, but she just looked different. Older. Older than he. "Why did you ask me to move in?" he began.

Allie immediately stumbled, and she hated that. "Because I…" she stopped. "Why, don't you want to anymore?"

"I do, but I need to know I'm doing it for the right reasons Allie," his slight Kiwi accent was coming out now that the conversation had turned serious.

_Was it that obvious that her priorities had changed? That she no longer wanted to live and breathe work and running? _Allie didn't know where to start to explain herself.

"Why are you giving me a second chance? What made you change your mind?" he probed. "Because if it's just a knee jerk reaction to the bombing, I'm not sure it's a good idea."

Allie felt deflated. He was probably right in saying that it was a knee jerk reaction to the bombing. But that fateful day had made her realise so many things. It had made so many things clearer to her. In a way, it had been a blessing, as well as a tragedy. She couldn't say anything.

Rhys reached out and put his hands on her shoulders and smiled. "I really like you Allie, but something's changed."

"I know," she admitted, her eyes on the floor for a moment. "_I've_ have changed. I know I have."

Rhys nodded, expecting this.

"But I think I want you to be part of the change."

Rhys looked frightened and shocked at the thought.

"Because I'm never going to go back to the way I was. I can't. So if we're going to be together, it's not going to be like it was last time. I'm a different person now. And I need to know if you still want to be apart of that. If you still want to be with me despite how I've changed."

She stepped back towards the door, keen for him to go. "Because if you don't, we certainly shouldn't live together."

Rhys frowned and stepped out the doorway, getting her hints loud and clear.

"But if you do…" she said slowly. "I think we could do a lot together."

_November 12, 2013_

_It's been almost a year Nick, and while I still feel pretty clueless I can feel life shifting, and I need to keep up whether I'm ready to or not. Everything is moving along at such a quick pace, and I feel rushed into making a decision. Because Nick these decisions are huge decisions. Life changing. And part of me is reluctant to make them, but I have no choice._

_Elise is walking now, and it too was a quick succession. One day she was crawling, the next she was running. Some days I can barely keep up! She's got a good vocabulary of words under her belt now too, and I only wish you could hear her voice. It's so lovely. She chirps away at me constantly. I'm so relieved nothing that happened in her first year of life seems to be affecting her yet, and she is developing and growing just like any other child._

_But now that she is older, I'm forced to think of the future more and more. Is it time for me to return to work? Put her in daycare? I don't want to be a burden to Mum and have her always looking after a toddler. Nor put the burden on your parents. But I don't want to put her in some strange place – and it'd have to be fulltime, since we all know you can't be a part time detective. It's all or nothing. And I can't help but rue the fact if you were still here, everything would be ok, and this decision wouldn't need to be made. You would just work and I would stay home for the first few years at least, like we had decided. We had it all planned out, and it made so much sense. But now…it's all too hard._

Jennifer had actually expected Matt to invite her out again after their dinner at his house in early October. But he hadn't, and she guessed it was because of what he'd said and felt the day after that when he'd come and visited, returning her scarf. He'd been completely right of course – it had been almost ten months then since Nick had passed away yet his presence in their house and in her thoughts, actions and words, was still as overwhelming and as in your face as ever. Most of the time this bought Jen comfort. It meant she still felt close to him, like he wasn't just fading away. But she knew too that it alienated some people. Janine had mentioned it off hand one day, and then Matt had not been able to stop himself admitting how uncomfortable it made him. Allie didn't seem to mind, but with Allie it was an exceptional circumstance – she wasn't like the others, who'd not been as close that day.

So she shouldn't have been surprised that he'd not been as friendly recently, but she was. And a little sad, because it only fuelled her feelings of confusion over which path to take with…everything. She needed to talk it over with somebody, knowing that stewing over it every night in bed wasn't helping, nor was writing page after page about it in her journal. That wasn't going to solve anything.

The weather was starting to get warmer, and so Allie agreed to meet Jen at the park a block from her house that Friday afternoon. As Jen gathered her sunglasses and keys off the bench and then turned to pick up her daughter to plop her in the pram to head down the street, Elise's face shadowed over as she sat at Jennifer's feet on the kitchen floor. For a second Jennifer was shocked but then had to laugh. She'd never noticed it before, but the stubborn look on her daughter's face was identical to how her father's had been. The funny little realisation made Jennifer's heart feel warm and sent a rush through her, comforted to know that she could still get these little dribs and drabs of Nick every now and then, to keep her going. It helped enormously.

But Elise had her stubborn face on for a reason. She wasn't getting in that pram and grizzled loudly when Jennifer attempted to place her in there. After three tries Jennifer relented, sighing, but still with a semi smile on her face. "All right Beauty, all right." She picked her up and carried her on her hip out the back door, pulling it locked behind her. When they were out on the footpath that bordered the front yard she put her down and took her hand, and painstakingly slowly, they made their way to the park to meet Allie.

Allie was waiting on the wooden bench, exactly where she said she'd be. As Jennifer and Elise approached, Jennifer's back and shoulders were slightly hunched over to keep ahold of the toddler's hand. Elise was only as tall as her mother's knees, but toddled along the footpath happily towards Allie.

"Look at you guys!" Allie greeted them with a wide smile. Elise continued to bring out the maternal feelings in Allie every time she saw her, and even she was shocked at how much she felt like a changed person because of it. A year ago she would've laughed in the face of anyone who'd suggested her feeling such a way.

Jennifer smiled and swung Elise up with both hands to greet her colleague in the afternoon sunshine. Allie placed a comical raspberry kiss on her cheek and Elise squealed with laughter as they sat down on the picnic blanket Allie had bought. As she settled upon it and kicked off her shoes Allie shook her head in disbelief at herself again. _God I wouldn't have even owned a picnic blanket a year ago, let alone spent an afternoon in the park unless I was running through it at a hundred k's an hour. What's happened to me?_

"How are you Allie?" Jen asked as she too settled herself on the blanket, enjoying the feeling of the afternoon sun as it toasted her legs and arms.

Allie brushed it off immediately, focusing her attention instead on Elise at her feet. "Oh you know," she replied.

"Has Rhys moved in yet?"

Allie shook her head and Jen raised her eyebrows in surprise. "No?"

Allie shook her head again and let out a big sigh. "I can't work him out," she admitted sadly. She shrugged her shoulders, defeated. "I thought he wanted to move in, but I don't think he does anymore. I think I scared him off."

"How so?" Jen asked.

"I haven't really said anything, but I think he's cottoned on to the fact I want different things now," she explained. "And I think it freaked him out a bit."

Jen nodded sympathetically but had no real words of advice.

But Allie wasn't expecting any – she simply wanted a chance to lay it all out on the table, make it clearer for herself. "If he's not interested in me the way I am now then I don't want to be with him anyway."

They didn't speak for several minutes, lost in their respective thoughts. Then suddenly Allie spoke up again softly. "But then after Nick died, he came looking for me Jen." Hot tears sprung to her eyes at the memory. "He went to every hospital in the city trying to find me." When she'd found this out it had touched her somewhere deep inside, leaving a mark that was permanent. It still meant everything to her that he had gone on such a relentless pursuit trying to find her and find out if she'd survived. "I think that was when I knew…" _That was probably what made me ask him to move in with me._

"So what are you going to do?" Jen asked.

Allie shrugged, pushing her emotions back to where she preferred to keep them. "I think it's time I went back to work," she confessed. "I can't believe how long I've had off. I never thought it'd stretch to this long."

Jennifer nodded, thinking the same thing about herself, but knowing at the same time that like Stanley had hinted, no time frame could be put on something like grief.

Allie continued. "I need something else to focus on Jen. I think I'm starting to go a bit crazy. I just need other things in my life." She was embarrassed at her admittances so soon tried to change the subject, taking the heat off of herself.

"What about you? Keeping up with this one all right?" she asked grinning over at Elise, who was lying on her front, fascinated with a leaf.

Jennifer smiled. "Yeah," she replied. "She's quick on her feet though."

Allie nodded.

"I've been wondering when I should go back to work myself actually." Jennifer looked at Allie intently.

Allie couldn't hide her surprise. "Really? Already?"

Jen shrugged her shoulders. "Well not _right_ now," she explained. "But soon perhaps. I kind of feel like I have to."

"Do you think you're ready?" Allie asked cautiously.

Again she shrugged. "I don't know. I've been like…waiting for a sign, something to tell me that the time is right. But I haven't got it, so I was thinking maybe there's not going to be one."

"I know Wolfey would take you back in a heartbeat Jen," Allie said kindly. "But I don't think you should rush into anything."

Jennifer nodded. She didn't know what to think.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31 I'm Only Me When I'm With You

Allie climbed into her car happily exhausted at the end of the day. She'd been back at Homicide for only a week but already she felt she was right back into the swing of things, and knew she'd made the right decision to come back. She'd been away for almost a year, which still shocked her to realise, but it was obviously the right amount of time to be away, to recover. She would never forget, but she could tackle life and work together again now, whereas for a while after Nick's death, she'd struggled just with life.

Rhys had bailed her up in the crew rest room on her first day and explained himself, not wanting to create an awkward workplace with her. He'd winced as he'd apologised for deciding to reneg on moving in with her. "I don't think it'd be a good idea Allie," he'd said. "It's just not…or at least not right now."

She'd appreciated his honesty, and left it to lie, deciding she was happy enough being good friends with Jen, acting as fairy godmother to Elise and spending more time socialising with the likes of Matt and Duncan instead. And it was useless to try to pursue something with someone if they didn't feel the same way back. She still felt the need to hold on better to what was, and who was, important in her life, but she knew it was better not to rush into anything. One day at a time.

And now she was back at work, and she felt alive again. The cases they worked on re-energised her mind, making it work hard, the way she liked it. She'd also had a brilliant idea she wanted to broach to Jen, and she drove towards her house after work that day to do just that.

When Matt rang her mobile and she answered, all he could hear was coughing.

"Jen?" he asked down the line, stricken at the horrific sound.

She coughed a few more times and then finally managed to clear her throat. "Yep, yep I'm here," she croaked out, cradling the phone between her ear and her shoulder so she could pour herself a glass of water from the kitchen tap to soothe her scratchy firey throat.

"You sound terrible," he said bluntly as he walked into work.

Jen shook her head into the mobile phone. "Nah honestly, it's been a lot better lately," she told him.

"Really?" Matt was unconvinced.

"I'm ok Matty," she smiled.

"Well good, because I'm cooking up another feast tomorrow night, and you're invited."

"Can't get enough of that kitchen can you?" she teased him as she walked back into the living room to check on her daughter who sat in a playpen.

Matt laughed. That wasn't the case at all. It was more like he couldn't get enough of her. He'd thought about it for more than a month now, and changed his mind yet again, deciding to try again with Jen, despite Nick's memory still lingering over their lives. As soon as he'd reached this decision he suddenly couldn't wait to give her a call and see what she'd say, but work had been insane the past two days and he'd just not had a chance. Hence he was ringing before eight in the morning on his way in to the new Homicide building, as it was the only time he could find spare in his day. And he knew Jen would be awake.

"So would you like to join me?" he pressed.

She was flattered and knew she had to give it a fair go, so she said yes, and promised to be at his place at seven the next evening.

They sat at the kitchen table cradling cups of coffee as Elise slept a few rooms away. "I'd like to set up a bursary Jen," Allie began. "A kind of scholarship, in Nick's memory."

"What?" she immediately got choked up, despite her best efforts at holding her emotions back. This idea of Allie's had come out of nowhere.

Allie nodded, so sure her idea was a good one. "I've already floated the idea a little bit to Wolfey and Waverly. They love it. It'd be for young kids at the academy – ones that are as devoted and passionate as Nick was."

Jennifer's face crumpled and she leaned her elbow on the table and tilted her head onto her hand as she looked at Allie. She was incredibly touched at the thought but she wasn't sure.

"And I'd like it to be in Elise's name." Allie held her breath, waiting to see how Jennifer would react to that.

"I dunno Allie," Jennifer managed to say, a few tears rolling silently down her cheeks. "I dunno."

It was the reaction Stanley and Bernice had warned Allie she might get from the still grieving widow.

"Just think about it. Nick deserves this." She reached over and pulled Jennifer into a hug. "Just think about it, and let me know."

_November 18, 2013_

_Allie has approached me and asked my permission to set up a bursary in your memory, and have it be in our daughter's name. It's a wonderful idea, and I am so moved by her kind thoughts. She has been speaking with your lecturers and mentors from the Academy and they still remember you Nick. You obviously made a lasting impression on them._

_The bursary would provide a scholarship for a young person entering the Academy, who shows promise and passion, and who needs some financial help. Everyone seems to be in support of it, wanting it to become a provider for those who show traits similar to what you did when you were there. I just have to give my permission and they will set the ball rolling. It would be a great legacy to you, but it is just something else I have to decide upon, and I feel like it's going to take a lot of thought. I'm already trying to decide if I should go back to work, how Elise will be if I do, if I should allow myself to continue to say yes when Matt asks me to go to his place for dinner. _

_It's all getting on top of me a little bit and I feel like any minute now, it's going to bubble over._

Matt sat at the head of his kitchen table, Jennifer to his right. He watched her as she ate the Thai dish he'd prepared, and then as she took a sip demurely of her wine. She looked like she was enjoying herself, but something was holding her back – he could tell. She'd not been as chatty as she had been the first time she'd come over. He frowned over at her and couldn't help but feel like tonight was going to make them or break them. And so as not to prolong the agony of this, he was honest and straight forward.

He reached out his hand to hold hers on the table top, taking her slender soft fingers in his burly grip, not speaking at first.

Upon his touch she looked up from her food, but wasn't smiling. She was locked in seriousness as her eyes flicked between their hands and his eyes. Their heads were bent close. She knew how much he cared about her.

Part of her was so tempted, so lured again, by the touch of someone who cared so much about her. She wondered, in that millisecond in which they stared at each other, if it was just an animal reaction, her wanting to be touched and held again, or if her brain actually was ok with her maybe trying to love another man. She had no idea, so said nothing.

But the lack of speech made the tension palpable in the room, and she began to tense up as he continued to hold her hand. There was nothing wrong with his touch - he was gentle and polite – nor with the time or place or way in which he'd made the move, but she just couldn't fight off her feelings of Nick. They'd shared such a great love – they were soul mates when it came down to it – that she felt it near impossible to move past that. Nor was she sure she even wanted to. It was all or nothing. Nick or nothing.

She slipped her hand out of his.

"I'm sorry," she backed her chair out suddenly, standing up, her meal only half eaten.

"Jen-" he stood up too, wanting to explain his motives.

She shrunk away from him when he went to reach for her hand again. "I'm sorry Matt. I thought I could do this, but I can't." She gave a tiny shrug of her shoulders and looked mournfully at him. "My daughter is at home unaware of who Nick even was."

That was all Matt needed to hear to come to the realisation he had perhaps been searching for ever since Nick had died. It hit him like a sledge hammer right then and there. He and Jen could never be romantic. They could never be in a relationship. They could never admit love to each other. Because Jennifer's love for Nick would never die.

Jennifer stood hopelessly in front of him, knowing she'd hurt him. She just wanted to get out of there, not look at him anymore, or deal with the fallout. It was too awful. Matt sensed her feelings and offered a reassuring smile. He conceded defeat to put her at ease. He still cared for her enough to do that, even if this wasn't going to work out the way that he wanted. He admitted out loud what had been nagging at him for ages, and which he'd tried to refuse to accept, but which he could no longer.

"It's ok Jen," he said calmly. "It's ok."

She looked back at him, her eyes glassy now, her pretty face contorted, so unsure.

"I think that kind of love you had…that kind of marriage you had with Nick…" he drifted off a little, unable to disguise the regret and wistfulness that now entered his voice. "…it just doesn't happen twice."

Jennifer nodded. He was spot on, and she'd just needed someone to say it to her to make her believe it. She stepped up to him to wrap her arms around his sturdy frame, thankful he was such an understanding person.

"So it's ok," he reassured her.

As he wrapped his arms around her in response they silently agreed to remain nothing more than just very good friends. It was the only way things could be.

But people are people

And sometimes it doesn't work out

Only much later, when she had returned home and was alone in her bed did she allow herself to cry. She let out long, wailing, mournful sobs that made her whole body shake underneath the covers. Her pillow was soaked within minutes and she fitfully turned over to lay her head on a dry bit of pillow as her tears continued to flow, unstoppable in the darkness.

She missed Nick so much. Being with him had been the only time she'd felt truly happy. He completed her, and now she had to live without her other half. It was so hard, and she didn't want to have to struggle with it everyday. Her heart felt like it was going to splinter with the sadness that gripped her. She wasn't sure she was a strong enough person to go on the rest of her life without him. If she was strong enough to raise their child on her own. If she could go back to the place of work where she had met him and then fallen in love with him. If she could ever function completely normally again.

She felt powerless and wondered if she would feel this way for the rest of her life.

Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me

You're the only thing I know, like the back of my hand


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32 Make No Mistake

I count the colours in his eyes

First thought when I wake up

Is my God he's beautiful

_December 13, 2013_

_I can still feel your warm skin underneath my fingers, and picture your chest rising and falling. I can still remember the colour of your eyes and the texture of your hair. The way you were so embracing when you slept, always holding onto me. The look on your face when we danced together at our wedding and then again when I told you we were having a baby. The beautifully delicate way you cradled Elise the first time you held her, so overcome with love._

_I'll never forget anything about you. Because you…I was never meant to marry anyone else. Just you. _

_It'll always be you Nick. Forever. I feel just as strongly about this today, exactly one year after I lost you, as I did the day I met you. _

_I wish you could be here to watch your daughter grow up. I know nothing would bring you greater happiness. We both love you infinitely._

When I fall in love

It will be forever

Or I'll never fall in love

When I give my heart

It will be completely

Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too

Is when I fall in love with you

Jennifer woke up on the morning of the fourteenth and before she did anything else she dialled Allie's number.

"Kingston," came the breathless reply. It was 6am, and Allie was out running – just like she used to.

"I want you to go ahead with setting up the scholarship."

Jennifer could hear Allie stop running and smile into the phone. "Good Jen," she replied. "That's so great. I'll set the wheels in motion as soon as I get into the office today."

Jennifer nodded silently into her mobile, knowing she was doing the right thing. "Good," she said firmly in reply.

"And can we have it in Elise's name? I think Nick would want that Jen."

Jennifer forced the lump in her throat down. "Yes," she said firmly. "Yes."

Over the next two months Jennifer met with many of the people who had taught and mentored Nick at the Academy, and they all bubbled over with praise for her husband. She spoke with those who'd trained alongside him, and who had looked up to him. Finally she gathered all the courage she had and spoke in front of a graduating class, encouraging them to strive for everything Nick had strived for in the job.

These were all little steps, but she knew she was slowly making her way back – back from a brink she didn't think she'd ever recover from.

The final step came late on a Wednesday afternoon in March, when the telephone rang. It was Matt. He only said four little words.

"We got the bastards."

Six weeks later Jennifer strode toward the new Homicide building knowing she'd made the right decision. Her colleagues were inside, waiting and ready to support her and help her back into a job she'd been away from for almost two years. As she approached the main door she smiled a small smile at the sight of the subtle, but unmissable, golden plaque that heralded the entrance to the building. It's words were simple.

_In memory of our friend_

_Nick Buchanan_

_1973-2012_

_We will never forget_

**Songs lyrics used, by chapter**

**2 She's Everything – Brad Paisley**

**4 You Belong With Me – Taylor Swift**

**7 Wedding Dress – Matt Nathanson**

**7 You're 39, You're Beautiful, You're Mine – Paul Kelly**

**7 All I Ever Needed – Bret Michaels**

**8 Wedding Dress – Matt Nathanson**

**9 Wedding Day – Seal**

**10 You're 39, You're Beautiful, You're Mine – Paul Kelly**

**10 You're 39, You're Beautiful, You're Mine – Paul Kelly**

**12 If I Could Start Today Again – Paul Kelly**

**14 With or Without You – U2**

**17 You're 39, You're Beautiful, You're Mine – Paul Kelly**

**17 Let It Start Again – Claire Bowditch**

**19 Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw**

**19 364 Days To Go – Brad Paisley**

**22 Never Let Me Go – Florence and the Machine**

**23 Fast Car – Tracey Chapman**

**26 She's Everything – Brad Paisley**

**27 Somebody That I Used To Know – Gotye**

**27 Somebody That I Used To Know – Gotye**

**27 Someone Like You – Adele**

**28 Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw**

**31 Breathe – Taylor Swift**

**31 Breathe – Taylor Swift**

**32 I'd Lie – Taylor Swift**

**32 When I Fall In Love – Celine Dion**

**Thankyou so much to all the people who took the time to write reviews for this story. Your effort truly means the world to me. **


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